Rewind #29: Counting Down, Spoons, and Dreams

Original air date: 16Oct2010

Well, here we are - 16 days into our dream road trip! We are having SO much fun, and I have to say (since I’m not superstitious) that we haven’t had a single bump, issue, or setback. It’s truly been a blessed trip. The scenery across America in the heart of autumn has just been amazing, and I wouldn’t trade my company for the trip for anything. Danny and I have giggled our heads off, had big deep serious conversations, and just chatted away a few thousand miles. And even though we have XM radio, a bunch of cd’s, and several books with us, most all of our time has been spent just soaking up the conversation of a couple best friends. I am so blessed with my partner. I may not have done a lot of things well in my life, but one thing I *can* say is that I married well. :)

The one thing about the trip that’s really surprised me, though, is how many ‘spoons’ it requires to sit it a car all day. Even when we don’t have a schedule to keep, I can nap throughout the day, and there’s not a stressor to be found, I have still been strangely low on spoons! I knew I wasn’t going to have an overabundance of them, but I’ve been surprised by how many this trip has taken.  For so many reasons I am looking forward to my surgery in November -- but I have to admit there’s still quite a nervousness in me! I am still doing research, even at this point. I am reading a book (out loud while we drive, so that Danny is reading it with me,) on “What every woman needs to know” about a hysterectomy and ovary removal. There is a lot in there I didn’t know! I am sending out an email to all the women I know that have had this surgery (that have said they wouldn’t mind answering some questions) to get an informal “poll” back. Some questions will be specific, and others will be general. Hopefully it will help me get somewhat of a feel for these topics. I will admit something that is rearing its “ugly” head .... all of those issues I talk about a long time ago - I think when I was on the Lupron and contemplating this surgery - related to the emotional impact of this surgery. Things like: being less of a woman, having the option taken away of ever getting pregnant (and as those who know me would know, the decision to not bear children was made long before this surgery, or even these diseases, came about.) Yet these are all reeling around my head a mile a minute! For some reason the term “eunuch” keeps going through my head. I have had more dreams in the last 2 weeks about being pregnant than ever before in my life -- dreams that are happy & good (like being pregnant at the same time as a good friend and sharing the experience,) and dreams that are scary or sad (like having the surgeon find out midway through the surgery that I was actually pregnant, but it was too late because things were already severed.) Ahh! I really could use the help of my subconscious here. It doesn’t need to be messing with my head at this point. (Interestingly, from reading online I have found that these exact same dreams are pretty common among women facing this surgery -- especially the one about finding out mid-surgery that you were pregnant. I guess that’s why they do a pregnancy test during your pre-op.)

So, here I am - back where I was so many months ago: trying to bridge that gap between head and heart. Why can we intellectually know something that is so difficult to incorporate into our hearts? Another thing that is basically one of the major maker-breakers of the decision on the surgery is weighing the balance of (a) the benefits to moderate-to-major medical and quality-of-life issues now, with (b) the possible impact and consequences of major health and quality-of-life issues later. Just skimming off the top of that pond brings up issues of being 3 times more likely to develop coronary heart disease; 6 times more likely to develop congestive heart failure; and 8 times more likely to have a stroke. Isn’t that a lovely bedtime story?

I am so grateful for the wealth of information available at our fingertips with today’s technology, for living in a part of the world where I even have the possibility of major medical care like this, for the friends and family who support me through anything, for a husband who will walk through fire for & with me, and for the love and peace that transcends any medical condition or life situation that can only come from Christ. I am so thankful that the Lord held these health problems back until I was His child and had Him as a source of strength to draw from. 

“The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests
be made known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all comprehension,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Phil 4:5-7