Rewind #20: A Man's Word

Original air date: 10Mar2010

How would you finish that sentence? “A man’s word is” .... his bond? His oath? His worth? A man is only as good as his word? I would probably agree with that last one. (And just so we’re clear, here I’m using the term “man” as in “mankind” or “humankind” ... substitute “guy” or  “girl” or anyone in particular for it. I’m talking universally.)

The interesting thing about my last few years is that I feel I have crossed over some invisible boundary. I didn’t notice it at the time, there was no “coming of age” celebration or a rite of passage I had to do, like eating eye of newt ‘and now I am a woman’ or anything, it has just slowly happened with time. There’s a funny phrase that I never used to understand that goes, “The older I am, the smarter my parents get,” that now I get. I mean that in terms of my physical parents, in terms of the generations before me, and in terms of general worldly wisdom. There are some things that make more sense to me now than they ever have before, and some things I appreciate more than I ever have. It just means that we really *don’t* have the world as figured out as we think we do in college, that yes - everyone really does go through that at that age, and no - your parents really didn’t spend the last 60 years sitting in a closet. They actually might have life experience that you just might be able to learn from. But don’t worry, they understand that too - after all, they felt the same way about their parents at that age. ;-)

One of those things I have come to appreciate is the strength of a person’s word. Can you trust what they say? Always? Do you ever have to wonder if they are just saying what they think you want to hear?? The more life experience I get the more I realize what it is worth to be able to depend on someone’s word at face value, and also the consequences of what it means if I cannot depend on it. Unfortunately this has come to light all too clearly recently, and it has just broken my heart. (Don’t worry, Danny and I are *fine* - it has nothing to do with that.) When a person can look you in the eye (or at least address you directly) and give you calm assurances of something, when you later realize that those words were only meant to soothe you and there was no truth in them at all -- what does that do for the next time that person tries to assure you of something? Even if it was just a one-time offense, there is still a mark there left in the memory. When a person is known for that characteristic, well then it becomes a filter through which you always view that person and their words. 

There are those on the opposite side of the pendulum that struggle with “too much” honesty -- in perhaps knowing how to address someone on a sensitive topic in a caring way, or knowing when to even say nothing at all. This type of person used to be my biggest concern, because of how many times I had been hurt by an abrasive approach. More and more experience in life has revealed to me that while we could always look back and write and rewrite our speeches to one another to word it better, more often than not I would have to hold up my own hand and admit that when I was being addressed about a sensitive topic and then complained about the delivery, there really was never an approach “compassionate” enough to avoid my wounded ego blaming the deliverer for the fact that I simply did not want to hear the correction being offered. But which is easier, to admit that I don’t like to receive correction, or to throw flaming arrows at the messenger for having the audacity to come to me about such a sensitive issue?? Which is done more frequently? And how often is the content of the message completely deflected on account of an attack on the delivery boy? In my experience, *far* too often. I can probably count the number of times I have overlooked a poor delivery (or actually even a mediocre one) to open my heart to the message being said. In our culture of “offend no one at all costs” and of “political correctness for all,” I applaud the person who still has the guts to have difficult conversations with a friend. They are hardly ever received well, and almost always the character of the messenger is assaulted for being unloving, uncompassionate, self-righteous or even hypocritical. Don’t we even go to the extreme of pointing out completely unrelated “faults” in the messenger, hoping that it absolves us of a responsibility to hear the message? Ahhh, the lengths we will go to in order to preserve our self-made view that we are perfect just the way we are, and it’s the *world* that has to change. 

In my recent life I have challenged myself to be more of an approachable person, especially when it comes to sensitive issues of correction. Do we think of ourselves as someone a friend could approach, if they had a concern to talk to about us? Is this view of ourselves actually grounded in history - or do we just *want* to be the approachable kind of person? If we asked our spouses or our family or our friends if they would be comfortable coming to talk to us about an issue they knew would be sensitive, what would they say? I have to honestly admit that my poor husband has lived with a wife who was not open to those kinds of conversations for far too long. It has really become emblazoned on my heart and I am working (with the help of God’s Spirit) to become the kind of person I desire to be, and it’s not easy. I know the struggle of the flesh and of pride all too well. But my motivation is that at the end of the day, I want my loved ones to know that *I* know that I am not perfect. I do, however, know the One that is, and I am trying day by day to live more like Him - and I know that along that road I may often need to stop and get directions from others walking the same path. Just because they help and offer me directions doesn’t mean that they think they’ve already arrived, but it just might be they can recognize a poor shortcut when they see one. Instead of shooting the messenger, claiming that ‘until they have reached perfection how dare they help me get there,’ shouldn’t we be paying more attention to the actual message? And I daresay that offering sincere gratitude to the messenger would go a long way too. Face it, we don’t really have all that much practice in talking to one another about gut-deep topics, so when we actually try it we might leave a lot to be desired. But we’re all trying. And I would rather know that when someone says something to me, of all the things that go through my head, whether or not that person is being truthful should not be one of them. It might be more uncomfortable at the time to tell people the truth instead of what you think they want to hear, but in the long run you will be a LOT better off for it. When have you ever looked back and been glad that someone did that to you?

Just some food for thought.