Rewind #10: We (I) Want What We Can't Have

Original air date: 4Feb2010

I know this is MY blog and all, but I’m gonna have to tell someone else’s story. (And I haven’t even gotten their permission yet. Oops!) Let’s just say there was a certain young man applying for the Air Force. He had been working with the recruiter for a while, and he finally got to filling out some application paperwork. All was going fine ... work history and stuff like that ... when he came to the question about prior “run-ins” with the law ... this included any misdemeanors or even just traffic tickets. Thankfully there are no charges on his record, but there were speeding tickets. LOTS of speeding tickets. Danny -- er, I mean, ‘the young man whose name I will not mention’ -- used up all the room on the front of the form and continued writing on the back of the page. And then some. (I mean, there were a LOT of tickets. He explains that he was raised during the “Dukes of Hazard” days.) So what was the recruiter’s response to Danny’s “record?” He said that the Air Force might not accept him ... they were going to have to seriously consider this application. So how did Danny feel about the recruiter saying he might not be accepted? Danny said that he never wanted into the Air Force *more* than at that moment. Why? Because someone was telling him that he might not be allowed in. It was no longer just Danny’s choice -- they had to want *him* now too.

But I’m not here just to rat on Danny. Aren’t we all like that? I know that it SURE explains me at times. It’s a simple equation: we want what we can’t have. Think about it: why is there such mystique and intrigue about places like “the Forbidden City,” a “forbidden love” or just “forbidden fruit” ... or simply whatever a parent has told their teenager “no” to. Suddenly that extra piercing or funky haircut or that one boy they didn’t even really like that much becomes almost an obsession, and the teen HAS to have it. Where it gets complicated is like in Danny’s situation above -- when part of us wants something, but then we hit that “you can’t have it” wall, and then we REALLY want it -- sometimes it can be hard to distinguish how much is the true desire, and how much is simply the teenager in us that says, “You can’t tell ME no!”

What about me? Surely I don’t think I’m an exception to the rules of human nature. How much of what I am sad that I don’t have/will never have/will never do is simply because a force outside of my control is telling me no?? Do I miss certain things because I TRULY wanted them, or just because I can’t have them?? I think about my career. Do I miss prying myself out of bed when the alarm clock is RUDELY jolting me out of a peaceful sleep and dragging my tired behind to work? There is no doubt about it - I really did LOVE working as a goldsmith. From the first time I ever worked in metal, I absolutely fell in love with that medium, plus the challenges of problem solving that are packed a million per square millimeter into making any piece of jewelry. So I know that the fact that I am sad over not working as a goldsmith anymore IS driven by the love I had for it ... but is there also just the piece of having it taken away? I look at my life now, and even WITH all of the health crap that I go through (and therefore that Danny goes through,) I have a life inexplicably blessed at every turn. My husband retired from the Air Force, and because I can’t work anymore, that means I am home all the time with him. I never DREAMED that I would be able to spend this kind of time with my best friend every day!! Shoot, I’d spend time in the hospital every month for that trade-off! But still ... there’s that lingering pain for the career that will never be ... as well as all those “other” things that has changed recently. I am coming to accept the fact that I will likely have a complete hysterectomy as a treatment for my Endo. The phrase comes to mind: “Hey, it’s not like I was using those organs anyway!” I’ve often said that I wish the human body was like buying a car - you could add the options you wanted and not get the ones you didn’t. For example, a woman that plans on having kids could add the Reproductive Package ... complete with hormones, mood swings, “THAT” time of the month -- oh ya, and the ability to bear children. But a woman that didn’t plan on all that could order more of a “base model” and not have to deal with all that. Well, I guess it’s looking like even though I was made “fully loaded,” I’m gonna be converted to a base model. But if I wasn’t planning on “using those options,” then it shouldn’t be a big deal -- right??? How much of the loss I feel is a genuine desire, or simply the result of knowing that I can’t have it any other way??