Living with April Showers, May Flowers, and Fertilizer

Earlier today I was driving in a light rain down a road called Garden Highway. It's one of the few streets with a fitting name; it winds through beautiful stretches of orchards and agriculture. While driving through the drizzle I was enjoying looking at the gorgeous trees covered with bright pink blossoms and all the flowers peeking their heads out of winter-worn flower beds. I thought how the brightly colored blooms seemed to not fit with the darkened grey sky; their beauty deserved the rays of sunshine classic of springtime postcards and computer screen savers. While I personally enjoy rainy days and puddles and mud, I thought of how many people complain when it rains and are miserable on days like this; I always feel they are missing out on the beauty of a rainy day. However, I've yet to meet a person who doesn't like spring blooms and trees covered in blossoms and the symphony of returning songbirds chorusing in their backyard! (Not counting people with bad seasonal allergies, that is - and even they enjoy the beauty if it weren't for the sneezing.)

But then something struck me -- while we all love the days and seasons in our lives that are full of proverbial flowers and songbirds, very few of us are thankful for the storms in life that make those lovely days possible! Think about it - as soon as any kind of hard time hits us or someone we love, what is the first thing we do? If we are praying people, then we call all our friends to pray hard for this person that their affliction is lifted. "Lord, please make them healthy - restore their job - heal their marriage - remove the trouble with their kids ---- make the hard times go away." If we aren't praying people, then we send them well wishes and healing energy and loving thoughts. We all commiserate with our friends and tell them we would take this away from them if we possibly could.

But should we?

What if we prayed that there were no dreary, rainy days in spring? Where would the flowers be? Where would the harvest be?

When there are times without rain, what do we have to do? What if there's no natural nutrients or fertilizer? Well, we have to pipe in the rain artificially. We turn on the sprinklers and apply the store-bought fertilizer. And the longer we go without rain, the more we have to turn to artificial means to hope for growth. But even with these artificial means, if the rain is absent long enough - if the drought is severe enough - then eventually even our irrigation channels will run dry. (In fact, for some people it requires a drought for them to appreciate the rain.) And life is no different. When I think about it, when growth is not happening naturally -- through mentoring, for example, where the people who are more mature have taken the younger under their wings and helped them grow by investing in their lives and teaching them day by day -- then artificial means have to be employed. Bring on the self-help books - the intellectual studies about how to build character, the workbooks about how to "be the best you you can be."

I don't know about you, but when I look back on my life it is almost solely in times of trial that I have really grown - that's when I have learned anything of substance, whether it's about myself or God or others. Very, very rarely does monumental growth happen for me when life is hunky-dorey. What about you? How much do your muscles grow when they are at rest? Don't they require resistance to grow? And from what I understand, the muscles have to tear ever so slightly in order to grow stronger. Where's the strongest part of a bone? Isn't it where was once broken and has since healed? The strongest part of a piece of metal is where it was soldered or welded. Unless, of course, the welding was done poorly, or the bone healed improperly. When there is trial and we try to heal artificially, instead of becoming the strongest point, it instead becomes the weakest point.

So how do I know whether or not the hardship is precisely what is needed to strengthen me? What if all our prayers were answered and every hardship was lifted - where would that leave us?

If it weren't for the hard times and afflictions in life, the rubber would never meet the road. The gold would never be refined. And who wants gold filled with impurities? We all want to be pure gold, but we never want to be refined. Often times the best possible thing that could happen in our lives is a healthy dose of rain and fertilizer.

So my mindset is changing. Instead of praying for every hardship to be lifted and for every refiner's fire to be snuffed out, I instead am learning to pray for perseverance, for faith, and for the wisdom to recognize the lessons in the trial facing me. In other words:

And because I have a hope that extends far beyond my circumstances -- far beyond this life, I can say from my heart, "[W]e rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit..." and therefore: "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. It is good for me that I was afflicted -- in faithfulness you have afflicted me."  

Note: While I was in the process of writing this post, a friend unknowingly caught me in my own trap! I had posted in a Facebook thread about how much I dislike the wind, and this was my dear friend's comment: "[I'm] not exactly a fan of the wind either. However, I find it interesting that the wind can help scatter seed in the windy season even if I think that the wind is frustrating at times. Likewise, when I get frustrated about spreading God's word to people thinking that my breath might be wasted and no one is listening, it helps to realize that seed is being scattered in the process and He knows where it will fall." I am so grateful for friends who help put things in perspective for me! 

Losing & Finding My Way - Again (Part Two)

{Continued from "Losing & Finding My Way - Again (Part One)"}

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one {more} traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

But then something slowly changed.

And I didn't notice it changing.

I think most of us have heard the story about the poor little frog and the boiling water; if he's put in lukewarm water and then it's heated to boiling, he won't jump out and it will kill him - but if you try to plop him into water already boiling he'll jump right out and save his life. Isn't that so true in life? 

Just like I didn't realize how weary I had become when I first tasted true healing, I didn't realize just how much things had changed in the years since I'd turned my life to Jesus. Have you ever been carrying a super heavy backpack and then when you set it down, you immediately feel like you're going to float right off the ground? Isn't that the weirdest feeling?! That's as close as I can explain the feeling when you realize that Jesus has taken your load of bricks off your back - your soul floats and soars. (And if you are where I was, believe me - I understand how hokey that sounds.) 

Well, somewhere along the line I never realized that my yoke was no longer easy and my burden was no longer light. But why? It has taken me years to realize why. 

I'm not here to go into the ins and outs of everything that made me realize what I have come to realize, but I would like to share a few things. First, the most important thing I could stress right now is:

If the yoke is not easy and the burden is not light, then it is not from Jesus. 

There are many, many people who are peddling heavy burdens in the name of God that are not from God. Just like when Jesus walked the earth 2,000 years ago, there are an overwhelming number of people who have changed what God has commanded into their own religion. How could Jesus defy so many Jewish laws and yet claim to be of God, when God Himself established the Jewish religion? Because over the centuries, Jews had added their own stipulations on top of what God had given - and yet they claimed it was all a mandatory part of the faith, and they would harshly judge and condemn anyone who did not keep their religion as they had come to define it. [Sound familiar?] For example, when God told the Jews to observe the Sabbath and keep it holy, the Jews added countless laws down to how many steps could be taken on the day. Did you know they even made a law saying you could not heal someone with mud & spittle on the Sabbath?? So, when Jesus came and healed a man born blind on a Sabbath using mud & spittle, was Jesus breaking the law? Yes. And no. He was breaking the law the Jews had created, but not the law of God. 

I believe if Jesus were to walk the earth in the flesh today, He would make a lot of Christians very mad. Why? Because He would no doubt break many such laws that we have added over 20 centuries in order to show us what God had intended for us all along. Why else does the Christianity we see all around us today look almost nothing like what we read about in the pages of the New Testament? Today we see a multi-billion dollar industry called "religion"; when Jesus walked the earth, helping the orphan and the widow in their affliction was called "true religion." "Organized religion" in their day might've meant multiple followers of Christ working together to feed those orphans; today a majority of Americans say they hate organized religion (for good reason) - because of what it's come to mean in our vocabulary. The differences are endless between how we see early followers of "the Way" acting with each other and their world, and what we see today.

There is one thing I am not interested in doing:

Giving you my conclusions about what those differences are. 

I am on a journey back to the beginning. Back to when the yoke was easy. Sometimes that means taking a turn off the road most traveled and most popular, and onto a road few understand or agree with. For too long I got caught up majoring in the minors and auditing the majors. I've learned there is a monumental difference between intellectually studying about the history of Jesus, and in pursuing a living, breathing, tangible, change-the-way-you-live-your-life relationship with Jesus, by living through the power of His Spirit. Francis Chan said it well when he said that the majority of lives of believers are indistinguishable - they "make sense" - to unbelievers. In what ways am I living by faith in such a way where if God does not come through, I'm hosed?? For years I have sung - and heard crowds singing - words such as, "Living by faith in Jesus alone" .... "Though none go with me, still I will follow" .... "We place You in the highest place, above all else" ......... and frankly, many of us haven't meant it. The first thing many consider when it comes to following Jesus is how popular that move would be with the church. (And if it's not popular, well then.......). And the fact is, in my life and many others', God has been anything but "above all else."

So here's where I am with all of this now. For the first time in my life I truly understand the old cliché about "the more I know, the more I know I don't know." I'm stripping things down to a living, breathing relationship with Jesus and am pursuing knowing Him - not knowing about Him. To the best of my ability I will help anyone I can to draw close to Him as well, but not to hand them my conclusions. I will help show them what I've learned about how to pursue Him so they can get their conclusions from Him, not my feeble little mind. I believe one of the reasons that His way is described as narrow is because it really is very simple. Seek to know Him, and Him crucified. There's so much else we try to add to the path that are distractions at best, detours at worst. Let's stick to the straight and narrow, my friend, and along the way we can help to remind each other that His way is easy and His burden is light. Let's not accept any counterfeits.

Losing & Finding My Way - Again (Part One)

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

----Robert Frost

Several years ago ... nearly 10, to be exact ... I turned the direction of my life on its tail and nothing has been the same since. I had been confident in my worldview and more than a bit cocky, because I "knew" what few others seemed to grasp - and yet it was so clear to me: All we are is all we are. There is no magical supernatural being over us or in us; the only part of the Bible I agreed with was some part about coming from dust and ending in dust. Period. End of story. 

Although I had this grasp on a "truth" that seemed to escape the masses, there eventually came a point when I was forced to admit that my life was digging itself deeper into a ditch - a ditch that those masses were seemingly avoiding. What was the difference? In my early 20's I finally took to heart the old maxim, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results." I had been making decisions the same way over & over and was getting the same downward-spiraling results over & over. It was time for a change. 

But what needed to change? I wasn't sure - so everything was up for reexamination. Turns out that my entire life was put on an anvil by which I was being forged into something completely different - what I believed, how I thought, who I spent time with, what I did for a living, what I did for recreation - all of these things were up for reevaluation. This was the most important thing I ever did in my life, and I hope that I never take any piece out of the "Able To Be Re-Examined" category again.

By that point in my life I was weary. Weary of running so hard and so fast in one direction only to realize, a hundred miles down that road, that it was the wrong road. I was weary of living according to the way that every logical neuron in my brain said was right, and yet it ended in disaster time and time again. I was weary of having no hope; I was weary of thinking that the here & now was the best it would ever be. "But I am a realist," I continued to tell myself. You don't believe in something that's not true just because you want it to be true; just because it makes you all fuzzy inside. That's the 'opiate of the masses,' right? But I was ... so ... weary.

"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me - and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Have you ever heard something that soothed a nerve deep inside your soul that had been rubbed raw? Maybe a raw nerve you didn't even realize you had? This was it for me. I don't know that I realized at the time just how weary I was, until I tasted of this salve for the first time.  Somewhere in my subconscious - that part where you know it, but you won't admit it to yourself - I had been trying to treat my own raw nerves in several ways for a long time. It was as if deep in my soul I had a bundle of raw nerves - like copper wires stripped of their protective coating - and as painful as each one was, they were outright dangerous if one bare wire touched another. So I would wrap each raw nerve in whatever I had in my tool belt (which, as an atheist, wasn't much), so I wrapped each nerve as if in an Ace bandage of alcohol, or partying, or just the constant noise and busy-ness around me so that I would never be left alone in the [sober] quiet company of my own raw nerves. But what I had come to learn was that these bandages of partying and distraction were actually just as conductive as a bare wire; although it might take a delay of a short amount of time for the electric shock to travel, the punch delivered was sometimes worse than it would've been without the delay. 

But then I started to experience a genuine salve - a true solution for my raw nerves instead of the poor & temporary fixes I'd been attempting. A single drop of hope applied to a raw nerve is more soothing than a hundred bottles of alcohol. The more I sought to learn more about this "easy yoke" and "light burden," the more that one drop of hope turned into a small, steady trickle from a faucet. Each drop peeled back a layer of my own shoddy bandaging and applied a sincere remedy - and unlike my other attempts, this one wasn't wearing off a few hours later to only reveal more corroded wire. Unless I went back in after the salve had been applied and stripped the wire raw again on my own, it stayed healed. I'd never experienced such a thing before -- and it made me crave more of it.

Little by little and day by day I realized that Jesus - yes, this same Jesus whom I had debated endlessly about and whom I had denied my entire life - was standing right in front of me, knocking persistently at my door and imploring that I let Him heal not just one or two of my raw nerves, but every single raw nerve I had. Ones I didn't even know I had. He would gladly take the bag of bricks I'd been accumulating off my back, set them down and forget them, and hand me a yoke that was truly a resting place for my soul. I was finding that Jesus was not some historical event to debate or some overlord desperate to condemn the world -- He was living and breathing and calling me, all in a way I couldn't explain. How could someone who lived 2,000 years ago be active in my life today?? Skeptical, thinking it was too good to be true, I eventually took Him up on His offer. And you know what? Every raw nerve is healing and my soul is at rest. This sure doesn't mean I don't have problems - it simply means that the fountain of hope & living water from which I now freely drink is enough to give me a contentment and a peace that goes well beyond whatever temporal problems I have -- and that, my friends, is rest for my soul.

{But then something changed. Please see Part Two}

Once again, I worried for no reason

Well, today is Day 1. Yesterday I received my first infusion of a medicine called Remicade. It is the next step up the ladder for me in immunosuppression in the fight to control my Behçet's Disease. [Quick dictionary entry: BD is an autoimmune (AI) disease, kind of like a cousin to the Lupus and Crohn's family that never shows up at the family reunions. Far more rare than its cousins, BD can be difficult to treat because so little is known about it. Only 13,000 people in the US have it ... for comparison, the football stadium for my alma matter, Boise State University, fits 33,500 people. As with most AI diseases, my immune system can't tell friend from foe. Imagine an army on a hill facing an opposing army. While all the soldiers start firing on the opposition, my immune system is the lone gunman that turns and starts shooting at his own men. So my healthy cells get attacked for no reason, causing all kinds of problems. In order to fix this problem, my doctors take away the M-16 from the rogue soldier - in other words, they suppress my immune system until it can no longer effectually fight friend OR foe.]

My hubby and I are so far thrilled to be able to say that I received the infusion very well and have had NO negative side effects. I pretty much slept all day yesterday because of the Benadryl I had to take to minimize side effects - and also, I believe, just as a let-down from all my anxiety. But why was I so anxious?? We have read about Remicade since practically the onset of my BD in 2004, and have been seriously tossing around the idea of starting it for almost 2 years. Last summer was when we made the decision with my rheumatologist to formally apply for insurance approval to start it (again, one of the drawbacks of BD being so rare is that no med is FDA-approved for BD, so I have to ride the coattails of similar diseases for approval.) After several months waiting, we finally received the approval and I started the infusions yesterday. So I guess on one hand I've had plenty of time to get the jitters about this - but on the other hand, I've had plenty of time to turn my worries over to God! Hmmmf. I hate it when I'm confronted with my own hypocrisy.

I knew in the days ahead of the infusion that I had some anxiety going on. After all, who can hear the word "chemo" and not get a little freaked out? (Remicade is and isn't chemo. I don't understand a lot of the details, but I know it's now classified as chemo, but isn't a conventional, make-your-hair-fall-out chemo. From what I understand, all immunosuppressants are a form of chemo.) While I've been on meds before that are also classified as chemo (like CellCept, which nurses in the hospital give the pills to me by a spoon so I don't have to touch it - which was always weird to me. Why is it important for my skin not to touch something I'm putting in my blood stream??) - there's just something different about infusions. My first three infusions will be given at the hospital center of my doctor's office, but thankfully from then on I'll be able to receive them at the local cancer center, trading a two hour round-trip drive for 15 minutes.

What I didn't know until the morning of my infusion was just how nervous I really was. By the time we got in the car and were headed to my appointment (with my trusty best friend and husband at my side, as always), I felt sick to my stomach. I kept thinking, 'How will I be able to tell the nurse if the infusion is making me sick or if I'm just a scaredy-pants??' So while Danny drove, I laid my seat back and had some quiet time. I just prayed to God that I knew I'd gotten myself all worked up over nothing - that not only did worrying not help anything, but we all know what stress does to the body - but even more so, my worrying proved that I was not trusting God. Didn't He already know how the treatment would affect me? Didn't He already have everything in control, whether or not the new med worked for me? So why worry? No matter what my body did, I knew Who held my future.

But here's my question: would I be sitting here this morning, confident in my God and feeling all silly about my worry if I would not have reacted so well to the infusion? What if I was losing my cookies all morning? How often is our faith and thankfulness based on things going smoothly? OK, I guess what I'm really asking is, is my faith too often based on things going smoothly? It's sure cause for me to stop & think. My goal is to have the faith of Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego. I read about them talking to the king who is about to throw them in a fiery furnace (heated 7 times hotter than normal!) because they refused to worship anything other than Jehovah. They told the king that they did not fear being thrown in the furnace because they knew Jehovah could save them - but even if He didn't, they would praise Him anyway!! Do I have that faith?? No. But I pray I'm on my way.

What's Important

I recently found this quote on a great blog I was looking through:

Thomas S. Monson --

I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey -- now.

That couldn't be any more true! And what a story of my life. It's so easy to get trapped by the mundane and temporary - because we're surrounded by it. It's what we see, day in and day out. A friend of mine recently admitted that sadly, he'd spent too many years of his life "majoring in the minors." Don't we all do that?! I know I have - and do. Right now I'm at a point in my life of separating what's truly important from what's not ... and it's surprising me what isn't making the 'truly important' list. More heart, less "stuff" ... more eternity and less here-and-now .... MUCH less comfort and more stretching my comfort zones. Mainly, less focus on what people think of me and more focusing on what God thinks of me. I wonder where all this is going? I wonder what God is doing with this new momentum in my life?? I guess only time will tell. The only thing I have any control over is today - and I don't even have much control over that! So, I will just put one foot in front of the other and let God sort out the details of where this path with lead me. ♥

Rewind #33: Getting Back In The Saddle (again)

Original air date: 21Jan2010

No big news. No big revelations. Just enjoying getting back in the swing of things - albeit slower than I might prefer - but I’m thankful for the recovery I am being given from my surgery. I am now 5½ weeks post-op, and doing well. Of COURSE I’d prefer to be spending more time away from the couch, but hey - I won’t complain. (Too loudly.) 

Sometimes it’s the occasions when we’re forced to slow down that we take the time to look around how notice how blessed we really are. I am so grateful for my husband who has nursed me tirelessly day and night, both in the last month and too frequently for the last six years. I can’t believe we just celebrated our 6th anniversary!! In some respects it seems like just a few months, but on the other hand, anything else feels like a dream of another life. 

I could also talk of the blessings that have overflowed on friends and family recently -- one declared cancer-free after a 2-year fight, one had too close of a call with cancer but received normal results, another is enjoying healing unprecedented for 9 years ... not to mention some of the  more personal spiritual growth in people I know ... and myself. The more I experience in life, the more I am convinced that blessings are everywhere for us to recognize and claim, not something we sit back and wait for. And, more often than not, the biggest blessings come in packages that can be very uncomfortable to open.

But I said this wouldn’t be about big revelations. :) Soon I will tell the tales of the new adventures I’m having with learning a new trick or two, and what it looks like this spring and summer will have in store for us. Until then, we’ll just sway to the rhythm of love and thank God for every new day we’re given. ♥

Rewind #32: But Even If He Doesn't...

Original air date: 13Dec2010

Well here we are, on the eve of the big day! Tomorrow, December 14, 2010, is a date which will live in infamy. I will call it “H Day,” because it’s the day of my complete hysterectomy. Wow! Here it is, at midnight, and before I know it I will be down at the hospital and then all done with surgery ... it’s funny how life moves that fast. Then right around the corner I’ll be telling people, “I remember when I had that surgery, back in my early 30’s ...” The days are fleeting, and there are no guarantees in this game! Well, at least not as far as time is concerned. Really, I’m not even promised tomorrow morning.

On one hand, deciding on this surgery was fairly easy: there weren’t many other options. We’ve tried most anything we could think of, and what was always “too drastic to consider yet” is now Plan A. One of the things that makes this difficult, though, is walking the line between having all my hopes & prayers for a “cure” (ie. remission,) or at least a drastic reduction in symptoms for both the Endometriosis and Behçet’s Disease, all resting on this surgery - and then not being devastated if it does not work out that way. I guess the bottom line is to have the kind of faith that would not only sustain me in a time like that, but actually serve to bring me closer to the Lord. There are SO many examples of that kind of faith in the Bible, and they are such an inspiration to me. Of course I think of the apostle Paul who had a “thorn in his flesh” that he repeatedly prayed that God would remove. Paul is blunt and says that God said “no.” Why? Because of the exceeding greatness of the revelations that would be given to Paul, there was given to him a “messenger of Satan” to torment him. Translation: God kept Paul humble! One of the quickest things I learned when my health failed was how little control we truly have over our health. We all think if we eat enough salad and walk around the block on a biannual basis we should live to be 100. But in reality, any day of the week we could look down and find a little spot on our skin, and our lives just changed. So yes, my health challenges has definitely served to keep my humble! Besides, if we were all strong and independant and - as the world views it - a “self-made man,” where would the room be for glorifying God? Who would see my good works and glorify my Father in heaven, if everyone just naturally assumed *I* was capable of doing that?? No one. Everyone would tell me, “well done!” and that would be the end of it. But God is glorified when we do great things through and for him in spite of our weaknesses -- so let me have the attitude of Paul and say, “Most gladly therefore I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor 12:9-10) 

As far as the outcome of this surgery goes, I of course pray for it to be successful in helping to heal me. However, if I rest all of my hope on only that outcome I may miss the blessings of what God will be doing through me if He decides to answer my prayer any other way. Who’s to say who I should meet, how I might share Christ, and what I might do with my life if I continue with my current condition? That might be where He needs me. Paul did some pretty important work while locked up in a prison! In fact, it can be our attitude during the toughest times that has the biggest influence on people - such as the prophet Daniel’s buddies, Shadrach, Meshack & Abednago. Someone twisted the law in order to make the king throw them into a furnace of fire heated 7 times its regular temperature for not worshipping the king’s false gods. Yikes! As the guys were being walked to the fire, this is what they said to the king: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up.” Wow!!! I bet that’s not the average spare-my-life speech the king heard! But what a great example for me. For us. Let my heart always joyfully say:

My God is fully capable of delivering me, of healing me, and of rescuing me - and He *will* deliver me! But even if He does not, I will not cease to praise His name.
Amen!!

Rewind #31: Back Home; Back to Life

Original air date: 20Nov2010

Well, the monster road trip of 2010 is now finished - we are back home and back to the “regular grind” (whatever that means!) Even though we’ve been home for a few days, AND we have company coming to stay a few days with us, I have to admit that most of my bags still sit like I dropped them, unpacked! Ugh, I really have to get to that today. Since we got home, Danny and I have each felt a little under the weather, but nothing major. Once a year Danny get a changing-of-the-seasons cold, and he’s been fighting that a few days. I hope he starts feeling better soon -- but I have to be honest that a part of me “likes” it when he’s under the weather, because it’s one of the very few times where I actually get to be a nurse to him, instead of the usual other way around!! I got my flu and pneumonia shots this week after getting home, and then I started feeling really yucky afterwards. I know it’s just my reaction, that it’s not the real flu, but it sure feels the same! But it only lasts a short time, so hopefully I’ll be feeling better soon.

Danny and I just couldn’t be more thankful for the trip we were able to take. It was SO wonderful! Not only was it a time of GREAT fun and a billion laughs, but we also used it as a spiritual realignment. That was very needed. We are both thankful for all the prayers on our behalf for health and safety while on the road, and we know that God heard and answered those prayers. 

Now, we’re onto the next phase! Keep checking back for updates on what THAT means. :-)

Rewind #29: Counting Down, Spoons, and Dreams

Original air date: 16Oct2010

Well, here we are - 16 days into our dream road trip! We are having SO much fun, and I have to say (since I’m not superstitious) that we haven’t had a single bump, issue, or setback. It’s truly been a blessed trip. The scenery across America in the heart of autumn has just been amazing, and I wouldn’t trade my company for the trip for anything. Danny and I have giggled our heads off, had big deep serious conversations, and just chatted away a few thousand miles. And even though we have XM radio, a bunch of cd’s, and several books with us, most all of our time has been spent just soaking up the conversation of a couple best friends. I am so blessed with my partner. I may not have done a lot of things well in my life, but one thing I *can* say is that I married well. :)

The one thing about the trip that’s really surprised me, though, is how many ‘spoons’ it requires to sit it a car all day. Even when we don’t have a schedule to keep, I can nap throughout the day, and there’s not a stressor to be found, I have still been strangely low on spoons! I knew I wasn’t going to have an overabundance of them, but I’ve been surprised by how many this trip has taken.  For so many reasons I am looking forward to my surgery in November -- but I have to admit there’s still quite a nervousness in me! I am still doing research, even at this point. I am reading a book (out loud while we drive, so that Danny is reading it with me,) on “What every woman needs to know” about a hysterectomy and ovary removal. There is a lot in there I didn’t know! I am sending out an email to all the women I know that have had this surgery (that have said they wouldn’t mind answering some questions) to get an informal “poll” back. Some questions will be specific, and others will be general. Hopefully it will help me get somewhat of a feel for these topics. I will admit something that is rearing its “ugly” head .... all of those issues I talk about a long time ago - I think when I was on the Lupron and contemplating this surgery - related to the emotional impact of this surgery. Things like: being less of a woman, having the option taken away of ever getting pregnant (and as those who know me would know, the decision to not bear children was made long before this surgery, or even these diseases, came about.) Yet these are all reeling around my head a mile a minute! For some reason the term “eunuch” keeps going through my head. I have had more dreams in the last 2 weeks about being pregnant than ever before in my life -- dreams that are happy & good (like being pregnant at the same time as a good friend and sharing the experience,) and dreams that are scary or sad (like having the surgeon find out midway through the surgery that I was actually pregnant, but it was too late because things were already severed.) Ahh! I really could use the help of my subconscious here. It doesn’t need to be messing with my head at this point. (Interestingly, from reading online I have found that these exact same dreams are pretty common among women facing this surgery -- especially the one about finding out mid-surgery that you were pregnant. I guess that’s why they do a pregnancy test during your pre-op.)

So, here I am - back where I was so many months ago: trying to bridge that gap between head and heart. Why can we intellectually know something that is so difficult to incorporate into our hearts? Another thing that is basically one of the major maker-breakers of the decision on the surgery is weighing the balance of (a) the benefits to moderate-to-major medical and quality-of-life issues now, with (b) the possible impact and consequences of major health and quality-of-life issues later. Just skimming off the top of that pond brings up issues of being 3 times more likely to develop coronary heart disease; 6 times more likely to develop congestive heart failure; and 8 times more likely to have a stroke. Isn’t that a lovely bedtime story?

I am so grateful for the wealth of information available at our fingertips with today’s technology, for living in a part of the world where I even have the possibility of major medical care like this, for the friends and family who support me through anything, for a husband who will walk through fire for & with me, and for the love and peace that transcends any medical condition or life situation that can only come from Christ. I am so thankful that the Lord held these health problems back until I was His child and had Him as a source of strength to draw from. 

“The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests
be made known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all comprehension,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Phil 4:5-7

Rewind #27: Ups & Downs

Original air date: 2Sept2010

Have you ever heard the phrase, “The only thing constant is change”? Isn’t that an annoying phrase? I think what’s so annoying about it is its truth. Well life goes on, things are changing and we’ve got a new game plan. As far as my health goes, I’ve had some ups and downs this summer, (kinda like that roller coaster behind me in the picture), and sometimes what we define as an “up” or a “down” is in the eye of the beholder. For example, during mid-July my husband and I were on a two-week trip to TN to visit his family and take part in a spiritual retreat --- it was a GREAT time. However (as it often does), my Behçet’s decided to use that time to come out in full force and thus it ended up earning me an early flight home and 10 days in the hospital. My doctors were all very concerned and immediately started talking about what new (& stronger) meds to put me on, whether to double or triple my current meds (they opted for triple), and how slowly to taper me off some of my flare meds (they opted for the “turtle-out-for-a-Sunday-drive” kind of slow). For a little while we all consoled each other about how terrible it was that it was happening, but then I really tried to look at the situation differently. With eyes of faith. For one, it had been 27 months since I was last hospitalized. That is a RECORD! My average is 8-10 months! Over two years between major flares has been unheard of for me. Second, of the 6 times I have been hospitalized, it was the second most moderate. Not bad, relatively speaking. More blessings about it include: the flare was timed perfectly so that I was able to spend a few days visiting with family and be part of the entire retreat before I had to fly home; God had blessed us with the means to be able to purchase that short-notice plane ticket; I had somewhat of a spiritual breakthrough during the flare that I was able to share with others; and hopefully now my Behçet’s will be fairly quiet so that I can focus on treating my Endo. The biggest thing I was upset about was that the laparoscopy I had *finally* been able to schedule had to be cancelled. It was too close to that major flare for safety’s sake. However, later when I met with my GYN surgeon, she said that it was actually a good thing that surgery was cancelled, since it wouldn’t have been the most beneficial thing for me. The game plan we’ve decided on now is that in late November I will have a complete hysterectomy, and while they are in there they will do what the laparoscopy would have done (look around and cut out and Endo they find.) So, it all worked out! In fact, had I *not* been hospitalized, I almost certainly would have had the lap, and not pursued the better alternative for my treatment. God knew what he was doing all along!!! Ahhhh, don’t I doubt too often??????

When it all boils down, isn’t that where my assumptions usually go? Here’s typical life: (a) I have my heart set on something; (b) something gets altered from how I thought it should go; (c) I assume it’s all ruined. Only LATER do I find out that it really was the best plan after all .... in this case I was blessed to be able to put the pieces together concretely within a matter of weeks, but how many times do I not have the vision of hindsight until months or even years later? And I spent all that time disappointed or doubting, thinking God must not have heard my prayers. At what point will my knee-jerk reaction be to look forward to how God is going to work His blessings in a way even better than I imagined?? I can easily say I’m still smack in the middle of THAT learning curve. 

Rewind #24: Courage

Original air date: 27Apr2010

I have to admit it’s kinda been a tough day. I think I am hormonal, I’m tired, I don’t feel good, and I’m getting really frustrated with my health. I was watching an episode of House the other night and a man who was chronically ill and disabled was diagnosed with a terminal condition, and the doctors were weighing options with him of extending his life with medication, etc., but it clearly would not have been an extension in any quality of life. The man said, “I have been trapped inside this body for so many years now, and I’m just looking forward to getting out of it.” Wow can I relate! Whenever I start feeling down or “claustrophobic” inside this body, and I reminded of just how temporary this situation is. It’s kind of like being in college and having to buy a pretty junky car, just because you have to have *some* kind of transportation but you can’t afford anything nice. So waa-laa, the ‘college clunker’ enters the scene. Why are you able to laugh off a car that you have to enter through the passenger’s door because the driver’s side door was from another car and therefore used a different key - one that you didn’t have? (True story in college there.) Because you know it’s not your ‘forever car’ - it’s just something to get you through right now. Sometimes when we are given something that is too nice, something that someone else worked for and that we ourselves didn’t do anything to earn, how much do we appreciate it? Don’t we take it for granted? Sometimes I feel like the same is true for our bodies. If everything worked just great and never deteriorated, where would the longing be for our heavenly dwelling? A body not made of the dust of the earth? Is that maybe why the young (and healthy) typically take their health and life for granted, but as we age we learn just how mortal and fallible we are? I think that has a lot to do with why the elderly have more longing for that final day -- and personally I’m quite excited about that day. Nobody better be grieving over me! I will be dancing on the streets of gold!

What I do most often when I really start getting down about health and issues of this life is I turn to scripture. God has given us every measure of comfort and hope that we could possibly need! Just this morning I was reading in 2 Corinthians 1: “Praise be to God ... who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (vs 4) Quite simply, we are comforted so that we may comfort! 

I would like to include some of the scriptures I have found over the last few years that have been an amazing source of encouragement to me, even on the toughest days. Do you ever find yourself getting discouraged in the same ways? Do you know someone else that struggles with health or aging? I pray that these are also a source of comfort to you.

One of the first places I go in scripture is to 2 Corinthians 12, where the apostle Paul talks about the way he struggles with his illness - what he calls the “thorn in his flesh.” Here are verses 7-12:
“Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me - to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of God may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Amen! Wow. Every time I read this it practically gives me goosebumps. Paul sums the physical fight up so well - it is definitely a ‘messenger from Satan’ meant to keep us from becoming arrogant. When I think about some of the crazy ways my body can misbehave, I can sure tell you it’s really hard to have much pride at certain times!! 

2 Cor 4:7-9
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

2 Cor 4:16-5:10
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, *1 we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, *2 guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith and not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please Him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.”

<<I just love cross-referencing the Bible! It really brings to light how perfect the Word is, and how is must be written by the hand of God. *1 Also see Galatians 3:26-27: “For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.” And also *2 see Acts 5:32, “we are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey Him.” Acts 2:38, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Christ Jesus for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” Isn’t this *great* stuff?! I just love how it all comes together!>>

As far as me feeling overwhelmed and like I’ve been given more than I can handle, I often find comfort in: “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide a way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” (1Cor 10:13) So what is that ‘way of escape’? Paul explains this: “For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope.” (2 Cor 1:8-10) So, our way of escape is to put our hope and trust in the Lord! Makes sense to me -- and when I can fully do it, it works every time.

OK, ok, ok ... so I could go on all day with uplifting things from God’s Word! In fact, just in typing all of this out for the benefit of my reader, I myself already feel worlds better. Do you? And do you have any other verses that help you in this kind of time? We all get there from time to time, and it’s up to us to choose either constructive ways to deal with life’s trials or deconstructive ways, which only heap trouble on top of trouble. (Trust me, I tried that route for many years, and it’s just not as productive as it sounds.) :-P 

The final quote that I will share with you is not from the Bible (even though I believe the principle is solidly biblical,) but it was a quote I recently saw on a friend’s Facebook page:

“Courage does not always come with a roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”

Amen!

Rewind #23: More than Half Full

Original air date: 18Apr2010

Someday girl this ol’ world will try to beat you up,
Well let ‘em bring it on, cuz every time we touch
Life is good, the grass is green,
The good Lord’s smilin’ on you and me
.... Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could -
Life is good!

Well, that just about sums it up! This blog entry was brought to you by Kenny Chesney. The End.

Just kidding - I know you want WAY more information than that - otherwise why would you be reading this?? (I say that like I even have a clue who’s reading this!) :-P Anyway, as usual, things have been busy and chaotic around here - but such is life!! Danny had surgery on his shoulder day before yesterday, and he’s doing pretty well. So far he’s only woken up in a lot of pain once, and that was because we both slept about 2 hours past his next pain pill dose. Once that had kicked in he was doing alright again - and as long as he’s cozied in to his little spot on the couch, he says he really doesn’t feel much pain. I am very thankful that they were able to repair everything going on in his shoulder without having to go into his rotator cuff - once they have to repair that, the recovery becomes considerably longer and more intensive. As it is, he should be back to himself within a few months - yay! I just can’t wait for him to be in less pain.

So what’s been going on with my health saga lately? Well, there’s news on many fronts. I *finally* got to go in for my appt with my new GYN at UCDavis - I had a lot of anxiety and eagerness about the appt. The clinic sent me a bunch of paperwork to fill out ahead of time and bring with me - but as I started going through the papers, I got reeeeeally nervous. It was ALL related to fertility!!! In fact, I found out the the clinic was called the FERTILITY clinic!! Yikes! I got very nervous and vowed not to take a single medicine or treatment or even drink from their water fountain until I knew well and good what it was for. I started to doubt that I was really being send to the correct clinic, so I called in. I told the lady that answered the phone that I wanted to check to make sure I was going to the right place - saying that I was ONLY coming in to be treated for Endometriosis, and it was NOT related to fertility, not now not ever. She said “oh yes, he treats that, come on in - you’re in the right place.” Okaaaaay. (I was still hesitant.) I was a little nervous in the waiting room, surrounded by all the pregnant people (evidently they are a successful clinic.) I mean, I know they know what causes that “condition” in women now, but just in *case* they’ve missed a contagious factor, I made sure to stay sitting over by myself. ;-) So Danny and I went in to the appt, and it took a little while to get to the bottom line, but within about 20 minutes we figured out with the doctor’s help that we were in the wrong place. He said that yes, he treats Endo, but only inasmuch as it relates to resolving it in order to get pregnant. (Needless to say, the word “hysterectomy” is considered a VERY bad word there.) I became very disheartened and frustrated. It had taken me quite a while to get to that appt, and now I was having to start over with the referral and appt-making process. :( He referred me on to the Chronic Pelvic Pain Clinic (CPPC) for treatment - but two weeks later when the secretary finally called me, they said that there were no appts available until after June, so they could schedule me the first week of June for the resident’s clinic in the same place. I tried to explain to them that I am a complicated case - they have four diseases they have to take into consideration for my treatment (not exactly a straightforward, textbook case,) but they assured me the residents are overseen by the same attending physicians as in the CPPC. So, just to feel like I am making progress, I made an appt for the 8th of May, I think. Somewhere in there. 

On another front, I am taking a few steps forward on getting my cough figured out. The last news I had given on here (I think) was that they had gotten the results of my chest CT scan, where they saw “a certain kind of inflammation indicative of MAC disease.” So they sent me to a specialist in MAC, who I saw last week. They showed me my CT scan (that kind of stuff I just find *fascinating*!) and showed me the places that were not normal, and what was of concern to them. They would like to redo my bronchoscopy (my last one was last summer,) so we have scheduled that for April 29th, I believe. (Sometimes these appts all run together!) Also, on the 27th I go into my Dermatologist for a follow-up on my LS. It’s improved, but not gone away. :( 

And still in yet *other* health news, my body seems to be getting back on track since my Lupron shot last October. Things are returning to a normal schedule - but unfortunately that means that my monthly hand flares have also returned. This month I am having my first flare since October, and it seems to be making up for lost time! The hand spots have become full target lesions, many with tight blisters in the middle, making using my hands very difficult and painful. Hopefully that subsides soon. The good news is that it hasn’t shown up in my mouth yet though.

So -- other than all of the health news (which has been changing daily around here,) I have to say that life is going really well. The sun is shining, spring looks to be finally springing - with a beautiful cluster of yellow roses blooming out front! I have two big yellow rose bushes out front (and two more out back) that just go crazy this time of year. They’re so pretty! I finally got some flowers planted in the pots out in the entry way, which always brightens things up. Plus, I am in love with my husband more than I have ever been, he is in love with me, and we are optimistic about our future. I think this is going to be a *great* year - full of surgeries and health advancements, but I think that by this time next year both Danny and me will be in a better physical state. Plus we are both getting really excited about the travel plans we have! Yippee! *This* is what life is about! I have better relationships with my family, my friends, my church family than I have ever had. I have gotten thru a point in life where I have figured out the difference between a true friend and a fair-weather friend, and I have really come to appreciate the friendship of a true friend - and learned not to waste my time and energy with the other kind - and more importantly, it teaches me what kind of friend I always need to strive to be. With the Lord’s help, I will be the kind of friend that I desire to have. So, it’s not a matter of not having struggles or things to overcome in life, it’s always remaining grateful for all of the overflowing blessings in our lives. Do we focus on the things that we are struggling with, or do we insist on looking at them only in the proper perspective in relation to all of the overwhelming good? I can’t say I am able to pull this off *every* day of my life, but by and large I have to say that I try to make the choice to count my blessings, be thankful for the lessons I learn during my trials, and thank the Lord that He’s always with me no matter what I’m going through, and I trust His promise that He will never give me more than I can handle. Life is good.

Life is good, the grass is green,
The good Lord’s smilin’ on you and me ....
Life is good!

Rewind #21: Life, and Stuff

Original air date: 29Mar2010

Well good morning! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s unfortunate because there’s been all kinds of things going on that I would have liked to have written about - but life has just been too busy to allow for blogging. (Somewhere in the middle would be nice!) Our most recent adventure was a couple days spent at a little bed & breakfast on the coast up near Ft Bragg, CA (that’s where the flower pics came from - the garden out front of the house at the B&B.) It was a really nice getaway ... right up until the moment I got knocked underwater by a rogue wave -- with my iPhone in my pocket. :( Needless to say, please don’t be sending me any texts anytime soon - I won’t be getting them. So *anyway* - on to cheerier topics! I am thankful and excited to be able to report that I have been feeling much better recently! My worst round of bronchitis ever has finally receded and I back to nearly business as usual. (I wish my poor hubby could kick his cough once and for all though.) I actually went three weeks without any pelvic pain last month -- which is *quite* the record for me in the last many many months (like a year or better.) It’s come back now - in fact, that’s the reason I’m writing this at such a wee hour, I was up and saw every hour on the hour last night, tossing and turning due to a symphony being played by GI cramping, “girl” cramping, and my hips aching. Since I was just laying there staring at the ceiling since about 4:30am, and I had already had a good long conversation with God (those quiet hours of the night are sure great for that,) I figured I may as well get up and get a cup of coffee in me before I meet my friend LaDona here in about 15 minutes to (re-)start our morning walking again. Ahhh, wouldn’t it be nice if Jack had to be at work at 10 -- then we wouldn’t have to go out so early! ;)

So while Danny and I were enjoying the beautiful scenery of the drive and the great company we had (at least that *I* had,) we were having our usual deep conversations about life. One of my favorite things about our relationship is how much sharing and talking and dreaming and analyzing and solving all of the world’s problems that we do. In fact, our whole dating experience is defined by the hours and hours and houuuuurs we spent talking! During the drive yesterday I asked myself a very interesting question, something I had never considered before. It’s one of those questions that really is hypothetical, since my answer one way or the other would change nothing, it’s just interesting to think about. Here’s the question: Do I think I got a “fair trade” for my life, from the life that I had planned on and worked towards and was in the process of living (basically, everything I considered “normal” back then - working as a goldsmith, being very physically active, really being quite healthy,) to what now defines my life? Would I say it was a “fair trade,” that I got the “short end of the stick,” or that I got “the better end of the deal?”  I considered the ‘cons’ of my life - the constantly being sick, seeing umpteen doctors regularly and taking umpteen medications daily, all the things I can’t do or end up having to cancel, being hospitalized 5 times in 5 years and facing all the new unknowns about the most recent additions to the disease repertoire ... with the pros of my life, first of all that I get to spend virtually all of my time with my best friend, we are able to focus our time and energy (what I do have) to first and foremost our work in the kingdom. I had to think about the answer a lot less than I thought I would have to. The simple answer is, although there are many very difficult aspects of my life, I really wouldn’t change a thing. I love my life and consider myself really having the better end of the deal. Although I never would have picked this course for my life, I am thankful for what God is doing in my life and the ways that He is shaping me. I have learned things and grown in ways I never could have during my “old life.” I know that my ways are not God’s ways, and that His plan is always better than I could imagine. Of course it doesn’t take me agreeing with Him to make that true, but embracing His plan with an open and moldable heart sure makes a difference in the quality of my life! So thinking about all of this actually led to me thanking God for my illnesses and my conditions this morning, because without them I would not be where I am at now. So many people look back and have regrets about their lives, but that is just somewhere my heart doesn’t go. I know that every terrible decision I made and every way that I jumbled up my life has been rolled together with every *right* decision I made and every way that I have grown to make me the person I am today. If I went back and changed any of that, I would change where I am at now - and that is nothing I am willing to consider. I can honestly say that I have never been truly happier ever before. I might have been more playful or joyful or giggly at times, but I have never had the true spiritual peace, comfort and contentment that I have now. As the apostle Paul said, “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am ... I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Phil 4:11-13

Anyway, it has been such a while since I updated this, so I just wanted to jump on here and say hello. Hope you all are doing well! God bless. ♡

Rewind #18: Right on the Money

Original air date: 18Feb2010

"She’s bulls-eye perfect, she’s right on the money ..." (Alan Jackson)

I dedicate this song to ....... me.

Now, before you become all appalled at my narcissism, give me a minute to explain. 

It’s sometimes a temptation to think that something is wrong with us if we don’t live up to some standard of perfection that is generally adopted by our society - but never ever reached. *No* one “has it all” - not even the people we put up on a pedestal for those measures of success. Sure, we look at the magazine rack and see all of those perfectly-sculpted human figures, and suddenly we feel crappy about ourselves. (Marketers of course like it that way, because then we’ll buy the “look better” product that model is selling that you know she has never once used.) But you know what? I have a simple fix for that entire epidemic of low self-esteem in America. One company came *close* to a fix, but weren’t quite thorough enough. I believe that in the 7th grade EVERY child should have their portrait taken by a professional photographer and then be given a 2-day course in Adobe Photoshop. With entry-level proficiency at the most basic Photoshop techniques, I think every child should be given the raw picture file that was taken, and within 3 hours they will be able to transform that picture into something that looks remarkably like the cover of that magazine. One of the most self-esteem boosting moves I ever did was learn Photoshop. Guess what? I really CAN have perfect skin!! I really can have a longer neck, less there, more there, and perfectly white teeth. I think this exercise should be repeated about every 10 years throughout our lives, just to remind ourselves how much of the standard of perfection in America is nothing but smoke and mirrors.  But I have digressed.

In my particular case, it could be easy (and at times it *has* been easy) to think of my health issues and determine that something about me is broken, wrong, or less than perfect. It might be tempting to think that God made a mistake on me, or forgot about me altogether. But on the way home today I was listening to this song by Alan Jackson and was reminded of one simple truth: I am exactly how God made me at this moment. As a friend once reminded me, God was not surprised when biopsy or blood test results came back. God always knew this would happen to me -- and the fact that it IS happening is proof that this is all part of God’s will. 

Now I am not as bold as some who presume to know the mind of God, and so I cannot say that “God gave me” these conditions. But I can say they are in His will, since they are happening. I think of Job, who Satan inflicted with terrible hardships to test his faithfulness to the Lord. God did not directly give Job those trials, but He allowed them to happen because they served a bigger purpose. My faith says that on some level, that is what God is doing with me. God has created me exactly the way He wanted me to be. God has allowed everything that has come into my life, and I know He is powerful enough to use it ALL to work together for good for those that love Him .... and I love Him.

Rewind #17: Blessing the Broken Road

Original air date: 17Feb2010

Every long-lost dream
Led me to where you are.
Others who broke my heart,
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms.
This much I know is true:
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you ....

"God Bless the Broken Road" --Rascal Flatts 

Just ask my husband - I cannot watch a movie without guessing a hundred times how the movie’s going to end. I am constantly saying things like, “Watch out behind that door! There’s a bad guy waiting!” or, “Ohh I don’t trust that guy. They’re only making us like him because he’s gonna turn out to be a terrorist.” or, “I’m tellin’ ya, this girl helped plant the bomb.” .... you know, stuff like that. (Did I just give away what kind of movies we watch most?? OK, so we watch WAY too much “24,” what’s your point?) ;-) I guess I’m kinda like Dr. House - I get enough of my guesses right that Danny threatens to not watch with me anymore ... but for each correct guess I have, I have 99 wrong guesses.

Ain’t that life?? I tell ya, I could never have guessed the path of my life. I would never have believed you if you came up to me 10 years ago and said simple truths from my life. I would never have believed that not only would I be a Christian, but I would have SUCH a fire for Christ that I would give anything to be able to share with any person that would listen for 5 minutes the unbelievable change that Christ has made in my life. I would have pointed to the little “Darwin fish” decal on my truck bumper back then and snidely said, “Yeah right.” If you would have told me that by the age of 25 I would have a college degree, two divorces, and a life-changing autoimmune disease that would force me to work my last day on the job less than two years later, I would have told you that you were off your rocker. I would also never have believed that one day I would have the kind of husband that makes me feel like I will NEVER be able to repay the love and the dedication that he shows to me on a daily basis, having stood with me through thick and thin, high and low - and that I would feel humbled nearly every time I looked at him. I wouldn’t have believed that I would find and marry a man of such worth.

Believe me, before I was a Christian I looked for love in all the wrong places - and not surprisingly, I found the fish native to the ponds in which I was trolling. It took changing the fishing pond, the bait and the standards for what was a keeper and what was strictly catch-n-release before I found the man that is the catch of a lifetime. Danny and I have never hidden that we have had our ups and downs since we were married in January of 2005, but I can say easily that we have never been stronger than we are now. God has blessed me beyond measure with my husband, and I am humbled and inspired by the kind of agape-love he shows for me. 

Both Danny and I admit that we each came into this marriage with no small amount of baggage. I like to think I simply had a carry-on while he was hauling his Air Force duffel bag, (which is NO small bag) ... but I know that’s simply not true. I practically had to have a bellhop follow me around the first years of our marriage just to make sure I wouldn’t lose track of any of my baggage. Well, item by item and prayer by prayer, Danny and I continue to set down that baggage and determine together never to pick it back up again. As painful as creating that baggage was, I *know* that it was exactly those experiences that built Danny and me into the people we are today. Without those experiences, we wouldn’t have the depth of relationship we have today. As this song truly says, I wholeheartedly believe that every thing along my broken road was leading me and preparing me for Danny -- and so wishing away any part of my past would wish away my present.

So here’s the real sticking point to that train of thought -- if I say that I trust that the Lord was always looking out for me, preparing me and discipling me for the blessings of my life now, knowing that without those difficult experiences I would not be the person I am today .... then wouldn’t the same hold true for my present and my future? Isn’t the God I serve today the same God that loved me back then, even before I loved Him? Why would I ever think, then, that my current trials aren’t all the more preparation for blessings I can not imagine and would not believe anyway awaiting me in my future?? I desire a faith that not only looks back and gives thanks, but one that looks forward and trusts.

Now I’m just rolling home, into my lover’s arms ....

This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

Rewind #14: My Legacy

Original air date: 11Feb2010

Speaking of funerals .... it might be kinda weird, but I find myself thinking about my funeral from time to time. I really need to write down my “final wishes,” because the last thing I would want to happen is for the couple days after I pass away for Danny to have to be running around and trying to make decisions on things that I could *easily* have lined out ahead of time and saved him the trouble and the heartache. Frankly, I hope he does the same thing for me ... there are some decisions I would have no idea where to start! And we shouldn’t have to spend those first couple days worrying about simple things that could have been lined out ahead of time.

But what is eternally more important (quite literally) than what flowers I want at my memorial (I love calla lilies best but they are way too expensive, so just red carnations with those mini white daisies) and what songs I want played - what is FAR more important than all of that is what kind of legacy I will really be leaving.

I wanna leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things?
I wanna leave an offering, a child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
I wanna leave that kind of legacy ....

Not well-travelled, not well-read
Not well-to-do or well-bred
I just wanna hear instead,
“Well done, good and faithful one.”

("Legacy" - Nicole Nordeman)

It’s nice and all to pick a song to be played at your funeral that’s beautiful and brings a tear to everybody’s eye, a song that describes how I wanted my life to be ... but will it be an accurate description? Will people hear the words and think, “Wow, that fit Karyn to a ‘T!’” - or will it just be another case of ‘everyone’s-a-great-guy-at-their-funeral’?? I guess the benefit to me of listening to a song now that I want played then is that I can continue to strive for the things that she sings about so beautifully. I am OH-so-aware that I am constantly a work in progress (and Danny’s aware of it too! hahaha) It’s probably when we STOP being a work in progress that we get into trouble, right? It’s easy for me to be lenient with others when I can recognize that they are still growing in the areas that *I* am still growing in .... it becomes difficult when someone else is struggling in one of those few areas I’ve already grown in. It’s so easy to expect everyone to be growing at MY rate! It is easy to look at someone who’s been a Christian ten times longer than I have and wonder why they still don’t “get it” in something that was “simple” to me ... meanwhile they shake their head at me while I still grapple with things they overcame in their first year of Christ. But, I guess that in itself is an area of growth ... and constant fine-tuning. I am grateful for the loved ones I have that continue to be patient with me as I break out of my little cocoon and turn into the butterfly I want to be! And I constantly work on having a moldable heart, and being open and receptive when my loved ones come to me with feedback, instead of getting so defensive. I know that it is ONLY through God’s work that I am where I am ... if it were up to me I would still be back in the train wreck of a life I had created for myself -- and yet God had always been there, rooting me on and placing people and events in my life designed to draw me closer to Him (even long before I admitted that He even existed) - and *finally* I caught on! As the words in this song say, the one and only thing I desire to hear when everything is said and done is, “Well done, good and faithful one.”