Contrary to Popular Opinion

At one time or another we've all been excited to see a movie because of all the hype we've heard about it - only to be dismally disappointed. (I'm still sore about the fact that I lost two hours of my life to watching "Transformers 2.") In fact, it's gotten to the point where the more hype I hear about a movie, the less interested I am in seeing it. Some shows that are known as "classics" just boggle my mind for how they've stood the test of time (all I really remember from "Gone With The Wind" was that a snobby girl made herself a dress out of curtains. And there was a fire. Frankly my dear .....) In one setting or another I think we've all experienced that feeling of total befuddlement when what we were told to expect doesn't match up to the actual scenario -- and I don't think there's a difference when it comes to matters of faith.

If there's one thing I've learned from reading the Bible for myself, it's that it doesn't say 95% of what people say it says.

Put another way, there have been times that I've wondered if I'm even reading the same Bible as other people. I've heard the quotes fly ... I've heard the philosophies explained ... I've seen the examples of what people say are biblical traits .... only to become convinced I must be reading an alien translation.

You know what I think the #1 reason is for this? People don't read the Bible. Christians don't read the Bible. Oh they might read an individual verse or section here and there - maybe they even have it written in an elegant font overlaid on a beautiful sunset photo - but they don't read the Bible. Let me be more specific: People don't read the Bible first, and then come up with conclusions. We have conclusions in our minds and then read the Bible for passages to use for justification. There are few conversations that have ever occurred in which tiny snippets couldn't be extracted from their context, rearranged, and Frankenstein-ed into some conversation foreign to the original meaning. Imagine for a moment that someone went through your sent emails and only pulled individual sentences out and pasted them into a new email. What crazy things could be written in your own words?? I'm not saying that most people intentionally distort the Bible. I'm saying that anything taken out of context could be dangerous - and more often than not, things from the Bible are taken out of context. Most often we hear people talk about individual verses - or worse, parts of individual verses - but rarely do we ever hear people talking about the big picture. We have memory verses* coming out our ears (and mouths), and the shorter they are the better. But how often do we talk about the principles, the situation, the context behind those verses??

Every spring near graduation time I see all kinds of paraphernalia - like picture frames and keychains and coffee mugs - sporting the uplifting "Scriptural promise" to the new grads: "I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) But do we EVER stop to wonder if God was actually talking to the present-day graduates from Yuba City High School when He said that?? Does it even apply to graduates, or newlyweds, or me? Does every verse in the Bible translate and apply directly to my life?

Are you shaking your head 'yes, it does' right now? OK, then try this on for size:

"Curse God and die." Job 2:9
"Continue in sin so that grace may increase." Romans 6:1
"You go, and do likewise." Luke 10:37
"Jesus said to him, 'What you are going to do, do quickly.'" John 13:27
OK OK OK ... so that was obviously an exaggerated example to prove a point. I don't hear many people going around preaching that we should curse God and die ..... but I do hear people seriously teaching all kinds of other things that are found nowhere in Scripture. How many times have we heard someone quote, "Thou shalt not judge" (which I personally think is the world's favorite Scripture), yet they never quote, "Judge with righteous judgment." Why is that?? Because they pick out the verse that suits their agenda and they fail to read the entire context. It's no wonder why some say the Bible is full of confusion and contradictions! A simple reading of the whole context is usually enough to dispel those allegations.  Some of the out-of-context things or matters of pure opinion that are believed/taught make no difference in the big picture of life. Whether or not a person believes that God used 6 literal 24-hour days or periods of time means nothing to my daily life (unless, of course, I make this matter of opinion an issue of fellowship; sadly this is done all too often). But what about the parts of Scripture that are sorely taken out of context and taught as a complete doctrine, when what the Bible teaches is drastically different?

.......

I just erased a big paragraph of examples that I had written. You know why? (a) This post is long enough already; but more importantly, (b) it's not about taking MY word for it. All I'm trying to do here is encourage people to read the Bible for themselves. All of it. Repeatedly. From different perspectives. We need to have the whole picture in mind before we have any business dissecting tiny parts of it. I am absolutely convinced that we - as a society (believers & not) need to take a loooong, hard, fresh look at what we've been convinced the Bible teaches. We need to be much slower to jump to the defense and longer to listen to those who have differing views. Whether or not you are a believer, reading the whole Bible for yourself will be one of the most "wait a minute!!!" moments you've had (and yes, I am also speaking to those who've read it many, many times. I could (and might?) write an entire post on the filters with which we approach the Bible.) The first time I ever read the Bible (before I even believed there was a god), my biggest impression of it all was: This doesn't teach at all what I've always heard that it taught. It's only been in the last couple years that I've been able to take a step back again and look at the Word of God afresh .... only to realize again - and even more so - that what I took in as "fact" was SO much more tradition and our culture than Scripture. I dare you ........ I triple dog dare you ...... to read the Bible for yourself.

And if right now all you are thinking about is all "those people" who have distorted and decontextualized Scripture, you've missed my entire point.

God is not the Author of confusion - yet we end up confused by the tidbits we have pulled out of context. We try to assemble a car while leaving half the pieces on the bench. I believe this is where the wisdom lies in the psalmist's statement, "The sum of Your word is truth." Jesus says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. It is likely that if you feel weighed down by the demands & commands of Christianity that you have swallowed more tradition & manmade doctrine than you have ingested the pure & simple words of the Lord. I know I did, for several years. Peeling back the layers of tradition from the pure Word of God is the most liberating thing I've ever done! One thing I need to specify though, just in case I have left a wrong impression: I am not claiming to have the monopoly on understanding God's Word. I am only saying that the one thing I do know for sure is that in too many people's minds, we have inextricably woven the laws & opinions of man with the pure Word of God.

*I'm not saying that memorizing parts of Scripture is bad; it can be quite helpful in some situations. I'm saying we have dissected the Word as a whole so much that it is hardly recognizable when we try to reassemble all the bite-sized pieces.

The Faith of an Atheist

"Faith, hope and love...

But the dumbest of these is faith."

(Summarizing a common thought of atheists)

Recently I celebrated nine years of being in Christ. Wow! Where did the time go?? In some ways I look back and it seems like it flew by - like maybe it's only been a year or two. Could my life really be that different now? But other times it feels like my life "B.C." (yes, "Before Christ") was another lifetime ... eons ago ... a vague dream that's hard to remember when waking.

So when I look back, what do I see? I can confidently tell you one thing: I have truly learned the meaning of the saying, "The more I know, the more I realize I don't know." Things that used to be so obvious to me - things I accepted about my faith and Christianity as a whole - that seemed rock-solid in my mind have become anything but solid. Now don't get scared - I'm not doubting my faith or Jesus at all. In fact I can easily say my faith and my confidence in Jesus as the Son of God is firmer now than it has ever been. I'm just talking about the application of that faith. But .... I digress. That's not where I'm going today.

I've already written about some of the things that went into my journey from being an atheist to a follower of Jesus, but of course there's no blog post long enough to describe all of it! Right now I want to dive into a topic that to me - when I was an atheist - was the worst "f" word in the world: faith. <<shudder>> What a horrible thing. What a check your brain at the door kind of trait. Who would want to be known by their faith?? It's practically like boasting about how low your IQ is.

Isn't it??

At the ripe ol' age of 24, I began really questioning my beliefs and worldview. At that point I was a "card-carrying atheist" (well, if there had been a card to carry for being an atheist, I would have carried it. I at least had the obligatory "Darwin fish" on my bumper.) I was as far left as you can imagine ... and probably a tad farther. I was convinced that if everyone in the world just put on their thinking caps for 5 solid minutes and were willing to set aside millennia of Dark Ages lore, they'd quickly realize how absurd it is to believe in some big guy in the sky just talking things into existence or destroying them. (Kinda makes you think of Tim from Monty Python's "Holy Grail" movie, doesn't it?) I mean, that's on par with thinking that I can get to heaven because I've eaten some dead guy's flesh and drank his blood, or that a bunch of strong guys from another world come across a rainbow bridge to help us poor little humans by fighting with a super-tough hammer, or that life began on earth by aliens sending tiny bacteria cells hitchhiking on a rock from space to earth ..... oh wait, that last one really is a belief some atheists (like Steven Dawkins) hold. Never mind that one.

Aren't we supposed to be in the age of science by now? Isn't it time we all give up on these crazy "grown-up Santa Claus" fantasies of God and bite down on the cold, hard truth that there is no meaning to life and that we are just one big cosmic accident?? Wanting something to be true doesn't make it true. If it did, I wouldn't have to be going to the gym to trim my rumpus; because I want it thinner it would be.

But I soon had to come to grips with my own cold, hard truth: The fact that I had come to the point of wanting there to be no God - then I wouldn't be accountable to anything beyond my own selfish agenda - didn't mean that there wasn't a God. I had been living in a way that was consistent with my world view: nothing's wrong if everyone involved consents; survival of the fittest meant I should be concerned with "me and mine" only. But yet ..... in the still, dark quiet of the night .... there was always something eating away at me. Some deep voice inside me kept reminding me that no matter how I justified it, I knew that living like this wasn't right. I knew it. But that doesn't mean I'd admit it. So I tried to drown out that voice - literally. I poured enough alcohol over that voice to drown an elephant - yet it kept whispering. And despite an ever-increasing amount of numbing self-medicating, that voice grew steadily louder. And louder. And louder. It about drove me mad. Finally I came to a breaking point - quite literally. SOMEthing wasn't adding up in my life - but I didn't know what that was. All I knew is that what I rationalized in my mind did not jive with what my heart screamed. Finally, I caved. I decided to reexamine everything. And I mean everything. What I did for a living, where I lived, who I spent my time with, my politics, my worldview, my opinions on life and death and God and afterlife and faith and all that. Everything was on the chopping block. I made a wholehearted decision that I would examine everything with as little bias as I could manage. If after investigation I concluded my previous belief, then so be it. I'd stick with it. But if I came to a different conclusion ..... then everything would change. And I mean everything.

There was one thing above everything else that was the nail in the coffin of my atheism. Once I jumped this obstacle, I had to look at everything differently. Nothing was the same. "What's the difference," I asked myself, "between me reading my science textbooks and believing it, and me listening to my biology professors and believing them -- and a Christian who reads their Bible and listens to their preacher and believes them?" At first all the justifications flooded my brain, like "My textbooks are based on fact. There are proofs. There are experiments that prove the conclusions. There's physical evidence. A Bible is just written by a bunch of guys who didn't even know each other over thousands of years. And it's full of contradictions." However, in an effort to be true to my resolve to give everything a fair shake, I kept thinking it out. Soon I realized that my Biology textbook is in its 7th edition. Why do they revise science books? It's not just for updated graphics. It's because they've proven some things and disproven others, and new theories have come out. After all, isn't it called the Theory of Evolution? The plain fact of the matter is that when I read my textbook, I believe that those experiments actually happened as they were reported. I believe that the author wouldn't lie to me and publish bogus stuff. I believe that my professor teaches me what s/he has personally seen proven. But I never saw those things. I never saw that fossil. I take what I read and hear on faith. WHOA!!!!! Did I just say I had FAITH!?!?!! YIKES!!!!! If anyone ever hears me say that, they'll revoke my atheist card!!!!

But it made sense. And I couldn't shake that thought. I walked around all day thinking, "I have faith. I've had to have faith to believe in science. That just doesn't make sense. Yet it makes perfect sense." When it really comes down to it, doesn't everything we believe in take faith? Even what we see with our own eyes and touch with our own fingers takes faith that it is real - that we aren't hallucinating - that we're not out of our minds.

The moment I realized that I've had faith all along, suddenly Christians didn't seem so dumb. (Well ok, they were still pretty dumb but not totally dumb.) After all, isn't it all just a matter of where you place your faith? Not whether or not you have faith?

So at that moment I decided to give the Bible a fair chance. I would read it from cover to cover, without going on a witch hunt or with an agenda to prove it wrong -- simply just to read it and see what all the fuss was about. After all, I'd never read it. I'd made a lifetime of arguing against its validity, yet I'd never read it. The closest I'd come was to hearing the same chapter from the gospel of Luke recited every Christmas Eve service I was forced to go to, and in printing off lists from the internet about all the contradictions. But even that I took on faith, that someone was representing it truthfully. If I read the Bible and it was a bunch of hocus-pocus, then I'd set it back down and have even more ammunition for future debates. But if not ..... if it wasn't a bunch of hooey ...... then everything would change.

And believe me, it has. Oh how it's changed. And it keeps changing .......

"Faith, fact and proof...

But the cornerstone of these is faith."

More on the most important transitions in my life:

Epiphany #1

Epiphany #2

Epiphany #3

My Three Epiphanies - #3

I hope that before you read the rest of this post, you've read Epiphany #1 and Epiphany #2 first. Then this will make a lot more sense. Just to recap, what I am listing in these three posts are the three most important "revelations" in my life. I don't at all mean that these are anything special or unique to me - these truths have been around for thousands of years. Not exactly ground-breaking stuff. But to me, coming to understand these three things have changed everything about my life - and have become much of the foundation upon which everything else in my life is being built.

With my first post, I imagine much of the world agreed with me. The vast majority of this world believes that there is something higher than us - something supernatural going on in the universe. Most people, in fact, probably don't remember a time where they didn't believe that, or where they had to prove that to themselves. Most people have just taken it as a given that there is a god. With my second post I imagine that although many people would agree with me, the number is considerably less than the first post. While most people believe there is some sort of higher power or god, substantially less believe that Jesus is the Son of God. Now, with my third post, I imagine the audience will narrow even more. But here we go anyway.

#3. There is a big difference between a Christian and a Churchan.
As I write this, there is a video going virally around the internet in which a young man explains why he "loves Jesus but hates religion." Frankly, I don't really like the video or agree with it. According to the Bible, you cannot have Jesus without having true religion. That being said, I would wholeheartedly agree that much of what man has turned religion into - even Christianity - does not at all resemble the Christianity that Christ designed. Ironic, huh? So, how do we tell the difference? If it was up to my opinions vs. your opinions, there could and would be endless debate. Thank God we have a definitive source on the topic - the Bible. In the book of James we read, "Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." We also read that is why Sodom was judged so harshly - because they did not do those things! But alas, I am getting sidetracked a bit. (I do that from time to time.) ;-)

So, what is the difference between a Christian and a Churchan, you ask? How can I tell the two apart? Let me give a couple of examples. Be honest as you answer the questions to yourself. If you, being a believer, are having a conversation with another person, which of the following questions are you more likely to ask?

• "What church do you go to?"  -or-
• "Do you know Jesus?"

If you were going to take the conversation to the next level, would you ask:

• "Would you like to come to church with me?" -or-
• "Can I tell you about how Jesus has changed my life?"

Which of the following have you used to 'advertise' your faith:

• "You should come to my church. We are a really loving group of people and have a very active youth group. Our preacher gives really encouraging sermons and we have good, upbeat music." -or-
• "Man, I sure made a mess out of my life and had really hit rock bottom. I can sure relate with where you're at. But thankfully God loves me so much that He sacrificed His own Son, Jesus, so that I could be reconciled to Him. My life has never been better! I sure don't mean that I don't have any problems - I still have all kinds of things I struggle with - but since I have His Spirit in me, I know that Jesus is helping me to change, and I have a promise of a home in heaven with Him."

Be honest. Which of these two options sounds like your conversations? By and large, Christians today preach the church and not Jesus. So why is that a big deal? Jesus said, "If I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw all men to Myself." Not only was Jesus talking about being lifted off the ground on a cross, He was talking about what the draw would be: Himself. Jesus is supposed to be who we flock to - not something He created. The church is something Jesus built -- it is a by-product of being in Him. What's an analogy I might use? Maybe marriage. Did you get married because you were in love with the idea of being married, or because you were in love with your spouse? Was being married your goal, or was spending the rest of your life with that special person your goal, and so you got married? The church is no different. Obviously I'm not against marriage - I am married. But that's not why I got married. Similarly, I am in the church [ie the kingdom, not a certain denomination] because I am in love with Jesus. Would I talk to a single person about the benefits of tax exemption and cheaper bills because you can split them with someone, therefore you should get married? Of course not. So why do we skip over Jesus and talk about the church? What has become the draw?

There are many scary consequences of lifting up the church instead of Jesus. For one, we would be guilty of worshiping the created thing instead of the Creator - and we know that doesn't go over well with God. We should be like the apostles and early followers of Christ - we should preach Jesus also. Think about Peter's famous sermon on the day of Pentecost after the ascension of Jesus: did Peter preach the church? Did he preach any of the benefits of the church? Did he ever even talk about the church? No. Through Peter, the Holy Spirit convicted the thousands of listening Jews of their sin and where they stood in relation to God because of it. Once their hearts had been cut because of that, it was the hearers that asked, "Brethren, what shall we do?" Can you hear the pleading in their voice? I can - I've been in the same place! It was only then that Peter told them to repent of their sinful life, be baptized for the forgiveness of their sin, and then he promised they would receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. That's what should be our draw!! Only after we see the 3,000 people obeying the gospel that day is it mentioned that "God was adding daily to the church those who were being saved." Then we see what the church was busy doing.

Here's my final, probably most important thought on this. When we lift up the church instead of lifting up Jesus, we tend to forget who our Master is. We forget who was given ALL authority on heaven and on earth. We can easily start making spiritual decisions based on the will of the church, and not of the will of Jesus. "Well I would never do that," you think. "My allegiance is to Christ." Let me challenge you to really examine that. When faced with a decision of which path you will take, do you first think, "What about the congregation? - The elders would/n't want me to do that. - That decision might alienate some people. - If I do this, not everyone would understand and I'd be on my own."  To whom do we look for guidance? It is easy to start weighing spiritual decisions based on how many people agree and would also do, instead of simply asking, "Is this what Jesus wants me to do?" What if we see a conflict between what elders teach and what Jesus teaches? When elders, for example, teach that sharing our faith is only for a "select few that have a special calling" yet we hear Jesus saying that the entire reason we were saved is to proclaim Him to the world, with whom do we side? Even if the elders aren't corrupt, do you think the Son of God wants to share His glory and authority with another?? (I'm not trying to undermine the guidance of biblical elders - I'm simply trying to ask whether or not we've looked to them to legislate our spiritual decisions.) What if you're faced with the decision on whether or not you will pursue true, biblical worship instead of calling the traditions of man the doctrine of God, and you know that many (most?) will not agree or understand. Some will even dislike you for it. What do you do?

A true disciple of Jesus never considers the consequences before he/she decides whether or not they will obey Jesus.

Through the Spirit my senses are being trained to discern a Christian from a Churchan, and it has become amazingly easy to do so - it's as if a foreign language is interjected in conversations. Listen closely to the content of your spiritual discussions; do you speak of the immeasurable riches of the grace given to you by Jesus, or do you talk about the activities of your church?

More:

Epiphany #1

Epiphany #2

The Faith of an Atheist

Author's note: I sure pray that I can continually add epiphanies to my list. I by no means consider that I "have arrived" or have figured everything out. Far, far from it!! If you know anything about my life, or have even read a few of my posts, you see that the whole point of me listing these epiphanies is to show that I have - and will - change everything in my life if I become convinced I should do so. I am sure not afraid to admit I've been wrong and change course. I pray that God continues to show His truth to me, and that I grow in His wisdom. :-) 

My Three Epiphanies - #2

Welcome back! First of all, I hope you've read Epiphany #1. If not, then #2 won't make as much sense. As I said in the intro to #1, in my life I have had three major epiphanies - major breakthroughs in my thinking and understanding that have changed everything in my life. And I really do mean everything. My first epiphany at the ripe ol' age of 24 was that there is a god. And then ......

Epiphany #2 - Jesus is the Son of God
For many people, they assume that #1 is the same as #2. But let me assure you, there is a wide chasm of understanding between knowing there is a god - some kind of higher power or something supernatural in the universe - and putting a name and character traits to that God. Billions of people in this world believe #1 without believing #2. Many people believe that there are just vague forces of good and evil, that Allah is their god, or they believe in Buddhism, etc etc etc. without that higher power being the man, Jesus Christ. So how did I get from #1 to #2? A lot of research. And an open, seeking heart.

I would say that one of the hardest things when doing any kind of research is to put aside our own preconceived ideas and preferences. At the point in my life where I was between #1 and #2, I was still in much of my old mindset - namely, that religious people had swallowed "the opiate of the masses" and that in order to believe anything as antiquated as the Bible, you had to check all intellect and critical thinking at the door. I mean, that book is a few thousand years old! How in the world could it possibly relate to my life today? And besides, I'd made quite a habit of printing off lists from the internet of "Contradictions in the Bible" and using them to debate people. So don't think for a minute that I had any slant towards the Bible or Christianity! In fact, I think at that point I had given more credence to eastern religions and mysticism. (Which, it's so funny to me what we call an "eastern" religion or a "western" religion. Christianity is seen as a western religion - but why, I have no idea. It was born in Iraq and fulfilled in Israel. Not really what I think of as western society.) Anyway - I at least decided to look into Christianity. While you might hear of people who denounce particular denominations, you very rarely hear of people who turned to Jehovah (the God of the Bible) and regretted it later.

So, I set out to study. I had studied the Book of Mormon (some people very close to me were Mormon). I looked into Buddhism, as well as the native American ideas, etc.. I also decided to read the Bible, just to see what all the fuss was about. While grocery shopping in a superstore, I grabbed a Bible. It was the "So That's Why! Bible" - one that's very textbook-like. I wanted my quest to be intellectual research, and I liked how this particular book tied biblical events and times into "the real world." But, while shopping, I was afraid that people would get the wrong impression of me if they saw me buying a Bible, so I hid it under a case of beer. Every night after work I would crack a beer and crack the Bible. That particular book is laid out chronologically. Soon I would really look forward to my reading time - it was fascinating to me. I would have all my old art history books out, and when I would read about things like the apostle Paul dealing with people who were making shrines to the goddess Artemis, I would flip open my art books and look at photos of the temple of Artemis. Since my background was in art, it helped me make "real-world" correlations, which validated what the Bible was saying. There are other books that claim to be from God that do not have any such validations. The people and places mentioned have never been verified - but not so with the Bible.

The only way I can describe my experience with slowly coming to believe the Bible is that you have to read it to believe it. There's nothing I can say to convince you. And when I say "read it", I mean READ IT. I don't mean to read commentaries on it or summaries of it, or to read bits and portions of it. I mean dedicate to sit down and read it. After all, if it's false, then by reading it you'll only have more ammo against believers, right? (But again, I wholeheartedly believe in "seek and ye shall find" - or in other words, you will find what you look for. If you are only looking for things that don't make sense or things you don't agree with, you'll find plenty. If you are looking objectively at it, you will find an objective truth.) Once I had been reading the Bible for a little while, I easily came to see that the vast majority of so-called contradictions of the Bible were simply misunderstandings or things taken out of context. For example, on many lists of contradictions, you'll see things like "in Genesis 1 it says God was pleased with creation, but in Gen 6 it says He was not pleased. That's a contradiction." Really? First of all, you have to notice that there is quite a difference in the point in time these two comments were made. Most people say over 1,600 years difference. God was pleased with what He had done, but was not pleased with what man had turned His creation into. Big difference. But you'd never get that by reading two verses out of context. When you study the explanations, the contradictions seem trivial at best.

So, now that I had come to believe the Bible, I had to believe what the Bible said about things like the afterlife, the purpose of my life now, what happens to those who follow Christ and those who don't, and whether or not we have an excuse for not believing. I remember as I read the Bible for the first time, I thought, "Well even if I died now I'd be ok, because surely God wouldn't hold me accountable for something I didn't know." Right? Wow, I still remember (almost 9 years later) exactly where I was sitting when I first read, "Since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse." It goes on to talk about no person will ever be able to say that they didn't have enough evidence to believe in God, and we will all be held accountable for that. That's sobering stuff. No wonder I remember that moment 9 years later. We all understand these concepts in ordinary life, but for some reason we won't translate the logic to faith. If I was driving down the freeway doing 90mph and the cop pulled me over, could I get away with telling her that because I didn't read the speed limit sign, I shouldn't get a ticket? Of course not! Yet we act like ignorance of God's Word will somehow be a free pass on the day of judgment.

So where did this all leave me? I now believed there was a higher power at work in the universe. I now knew that higher power was Jehovah, and His Son was Jesus. Not only did Jesus come down from heaven, take the form of a man, live a perfect life to show us the will of God, but he was crucified because of *my* sin and then God raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in heaven. So what? What does that mean for my life? Well, that means everything. Everything changes. My life is no longer under my own control. The only logical thing to do was to submit myself to the God that not only has the power to create everything that has ever been created, but who has the love for me to give His Son as a sacrifice for me. He loved me enough that He would provide a way for me to be forgiven of my sin, be reconciled into a right relationship with Him, and teach me day by day how to live for Him. He would give me His Spirit to dwell inside of me to help me! He knows I am incapable of living holy on my own!! The kindness of God led me to repent of my selfish lifestyle, be baptized for the forgiveness of my sins so that I could be born to a new life full of purpose and hope. Everything changed, and I would never, ever go back to the way things were. Praise God that He has the power - and the love - to change me one day at a time.

to be continued.....

Epiphany #1

Epiphany #3

The Faith of an Atheist

Author's note: I am not trying in one blog entry to convince you that there is a god and that He is Jesus. That's not my job. All I am trying to do is to tell a tiny bit of what happened in my life that led me from being an atheist to where I am now. While I can - and should - give you all the reasons for the hope within me, unless you are willing to seek Him (on His terms), dedicate yourself to the study of His Word and to live whatever is in it, then no little blog entry will change anything. 


Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He exists, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.
Heb 11:6

My Three Epiphanies - #1

In the 33 years that I have been alive, I would say that there have been three "discoveries" in my life that have changed everything. I don't mean discoveries in terms of penicillin, space shuttles or the internet (although Facebook comes close to qualifying) - I mean truths that I have discovered for myself that changed my life. Not only did my beliefs about things change, but my entire way of thinking had to change, as well as every thing about my life. I also don't mean that these truths are special or independent to me - as if I received a revelation unknown to mankind. In fact, these epiphanies are probably millennia old to the world; just new to me. But I don't use the term "epiphany" lightly.  So here they are:

1. There is a god.
More on this transition here: "The Faith of an Atheist"
The majority of people in the world accepted that there was at least some kind of higher power at work in the universe pretty much from the day they were born. But I didn't. This one took me 25 years to get. Although I grew up in a family that believed this, I never did. I was definitely a "5 senses" kind of person - if I couldn't see it, touch it, taste it, hear it or feel it (in the way I had defined), then it didn't exist. Oh now plenty of people would say "What about electricity? You can't see that, yet when you flip a switch the lights come on." -or- "What about the wind? You can't see the wind, you only see the effects of the wind." And frankly, I think those questions were just so cliché that I didn't really pay any attention to them. In fact I've never known of an atheist that was swayed in any way by them - even though they are good questions. I believe my atheism started out for two main reasons - the first was that there was no god standing in front of me face-to-face that I could ask questions of. (I mean really, people doubted Santa Claus, but at least he was at the mall once a year.)

The second was that my kid-brain way of testing the hypothesis of whether there was a god bore no fruit. I remember sitting on my bed at the ripe old age of 7, staring up at the white wood shutters over my window. I remember telling God that I would believe in Him all my life and do whatever He wanted me to do if only He would move my shutters. Just a little. He didn't have to unhinge them and make them float around the room or anything, just wiggle them a little. Then I'd be all His. I mean, surely a god that could create the universe could wiggle a kid's shutters, right? And surely He would want me to believe in Him, right? Well, my shutters never moved (as you might have guessed) and I went to bed disappointed. It wouldn't be until years later ... probably 20 ... that I would read how many people (and Satan) are recorded in the Bible asking God to do the same type things. I would never have guessed how many times people have said, "IF you are the Son of God..... command these stones to be turned to bread .... throw yourself off the temple and let the angels heal you ... take yourself down from the cross." And then what do they say? Then "we will believe in You!" And even while Jesus was on [mock] trial, the Jews again gave Jesus an "if" statement. But Jesus answered, "If I tell you, you won't believe." And guess what? They didn't.

So why do I bring these up? For one, to prove that I'm not the first person in history to tell God to prove Himself to me (and I know I won't be the last). And to prove that I'm not the first one God said no to. But why? Shouldn't He have given me every reason to believe? It's not like I was asking Him to destroy a race of people, and when Satan asked Him to turn those desert stones to bread, it's not like Jesus was taking those rocks out of the mouths of hungry people. So why not? Simply, we don't make the conditions by which God proves Himself. Try to think about this from God's point of view: if His claims are true, then He created the entire universe. He created planets and stars that we haven't even found yet. He created sea monkeys and T-Rex and hydrogen. He gives me life & breath. Yet I'm telling God that none of that is enough for me; that I will determine the evidence I need to believe. (i.e., "Thanks, God, for creating me - you just don't know what makes me tick and how I think.") Frankly I don't blame Him for telling us that creation alone give us every bit of evidence we need to believe in Him. If we choose not to, we can never look to God and say, "I know you created the cosmos for me, but since You didn't move my shutters when I asked, I didn't believe in You. Basically it's Your fault."

But for me, when life was fine and I was healthy and everything was going swimmingly, I really didn't see a need to look for a god. It wasn't until I was knocked flat on my back from the dumb choices I repeatedly made that I came to the conclusion there MUST be another way. That's when I decided to really check into matters of faith - not just from an unbeliever's standpoint (i.e., printing out lists of 'contradictions' in the Bible from the internet to debate with), but I needed to start reading stuff that claimed to be from God. It was only through that process that God opened my heart to see Him. I had to quit setting my own terms and approach Him on His terms. Have you tried that? Or are you still where I was? Frankly it's worth a shot and you have nothing to lose. But I will warn you, you have to be absolutely prepared for whatever you might find. If you go into any research with a slanted view, that's all you'll find (either way - religious or not.) We have to somehow get to the point where we go to the evidence with a mind that says, "If the evidence doesn't prove there is a god, then I won't believe and nothing changes. But if the evidence does point to God, then I have to be prepared for what that means for my life." If we don't plan on at least the possibility of change, then it's useless to research it. I now believe the promise that if we do not have a love of the truth, then we will not find the truth. That's pretty scary, huh?

to be continued.....
Epiphany #2
Epiphany #3
The Faith of an Atheist

Author's note: I hope it's obvious that it would be impossible for me to include everything that went into the process of going from not believing in anything beyond the chemistry of the earth to accepting the supernatural to believing there is a god. There's countless ways I could've talked about this part of my life and thousands of examples. This post just reveals the way my brain wrapped around the topic today. It's quite possible (and likely, even) that this wasn't the best or most understandable way. If you have any other questions or are interested in more of the story, please feel free to contact me. Thank you.

Rewind #30: Just Go Ahead and Say "Thanks"

Original air date: 6Nov2010

Our “Roadtrip Extraordinaire” continues! We are having such an amazing time!! We have now been out for over a month ... and we are still several days and states away from being back home. (Wow - where would we be without the friends we have that are holding down the fort back home??) Danny and I are just without words to express how thankful we are for the opportunity of this trip. Right now we are at the heart of the trip - the Homecoming of Harding University ... especially the Jazz/Stage Band! It has been 30 years since this group played together, and the performance they put on today was worth the wait! Just stunning. Danny has been looking forward to this for so long, I can’t even count. Soooo great!!!

The weather has been ideal on the trip - the scenery has been amazing - the timing of everything is just more than we ever could have planned. When we got to Colorado, it was smack in the middle of the elk rutting season, so we got great pictures. We got to Tennessee at the height of all the autumn colors, and by the time we were leaving there the leaves had mostly fallen. We saw thunderstorms in Kansas like California has never seen! (Complete with a tornado siren.) :) And now here we are in Arkansas, and it is just amazing (am I over-using that word?? I can’t think of others more appropriate!) all the things we’ve been able to experience.

Yet in the middle of all these blessings tripping over each other to come in my front door, Satan still tries to cram his way in. Sometimes he almost wins - other times he wins. (But only temporarily!) A couple days ago I got a call from my surgeon’s office, and found out that there was a mistake in the scheduling of my operation. Instead of being November 30th, it will have to wait until December 15th. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper! I was quite bumped and even spent a tear or two on the deal - but then I just went on. This morning I was thinking about the fast pace we’ve been running and the few people we’ve been around that we know are or have recently been sick, and I couldn’t help but virtually start my count-down clock for when I’ll soon be sick. Then I thought, ‘Well, at least this is towards the end of my trip; I’ll have time to get a lot of rest at home now that my surgery is pushed back.’ Then it hit me - like a ton of shoulda-thought-of-that-before bricks. Remember last July when I was in the hospital and got the ‘horrible’ news that my laparoscopy had been cancelled due to my hospitalization? I was so crushed ... until I met with my surgeon a month later and found out that it was a good thing that it was cancelled! I didn’t see it coming, but God knew all along exactly what I needed and orchestrated things to work out perfectly! So, it wasn’t until this morning that I put all the pieces together. Whether or not I actually get sick from this trip, I *know* I will need time to recover from this trip. I kept thinking, and then one neuron met another (seemingly unrelated) neuron. The I-need-time-to-recover neuron met up with the my-surgery’s-been-rescheduled neuron, and they tied a bow together around the God-ALWAYS-knows-what-I-need neuron!! 

So I guess what I am saying is that even when things frustrate me, confuse me, and set me back, I should just go ahead and tell God “Thank You” - because I know that one way or another, visible short term or in the long run, He really IS working all things together for my good, because I love Him. That’s His promise .... yet how quickly I think my current circumstances must be exempt from that rule. Silly silly silly me. Satan may win a round here or there with me, but since I have the strength of Christ on my side, I know he will not win this war!!!

Rewind#4: Masquerade

Original air date: 27Jan10

First of all, I really want to thank everyone so far for all of your support for this blog effort of mine! It was a total step in faith, not really sure why I was feeling compelled to do it, but listening to that tug inside me anyway. Lately - more than ever before - I have felt my mind dwelling on topics that were much larger than my day-to-day routine, and my heart has felt as though it is being pulled open - wider than ever before - to encompass territory I never thought I would call my own. Don’t worry ... there will be much more on this in the entries to come, I’m sure. But there’s also been a surprise to all of my feedback lately -- not just to this blog, but to whenever I take the step to become vulnerable and share things that have been weighing on my heart (or setting my heart free, in some cases.) People relate. It reminds me of the simple principle from grade school - no, it’s not “There’s no such thing as a stupid question. Only stupid people.” I was thinking more of: “If you have a question, don’t feel dumb asking it, because if you’re confused then most likely someone else is too.” In our spiritual circles, I think the truth is that if you are struggling with something, either someone you know is struggling with it right now or they have in the past. And this has held true for some areas that I NEVER dreamed anyone could relate to me -- especially in the church! When I first started hanging around Christians, long before I was one, I of course noticed how nice everyone was - but I also noticed very quickly that no one struggled. No one was tore up about something they were dealing with. At least, not on the outside. This was a major sticking point for me at first, and it made me feel like I was SUCH an outcast that I would likely never fit in. “Surely no one here could relate with what I have struggled with this week!!” I thought. “What’s the worst these people have? They didn’t let someone merge in front of them in traffic? They left a $4 tip when they should have left a $5??” I was absolutely convinced that no one could relate to the process I was going through of purging my mind, my heart and my body of the sins that had accumulated there after living contrary to God for 25 years. I knew at that point that I needed to give my life to Christ, but I didn’t think I was ready. There was MUCH too much wrong with my life that I needed to fix first, and then I would turn to Christ. One night in Bible class though, the Lord spoke to me straight through Larry Cain. He said, “There are some people waiting to be a Christian because they think they need to get their life in order first. They are thinking absolutely backward! What they don’t realize is that the ONLY way they’ll be able to “fix” their life is through the strength that is found only in Christ.” That very week I was baptized, because I knew that until I was washed in the blood of Christ, my life would continue to be in opposition to God and all things good, and I wouldn’t have the tools in my belt to actually fix the problems I was facing. As for everybody looking perfect around me, it wasn’t for a long time that I realized I looked pretty perfect to them too! I too had been donning my mask of perfection when we got together.  My smile got bigger and my laugh got louder. Why? Because I didn’t want anyone to see the dark struggles that were happening right under the surface. I’ve done this to my friends and family for years -- as long as I can remember. Why? Because no one wants to look weak. Because *I* don’t want to look weak. That is why I chose the picture at the top of this page -- it’s so easy for us to look through a lens at someone else and be their armchair psychologist. How often do we willingly step out in front of that lens?

It’s only been recently, though, that I’ve come to realize the danger of this masquerade. YOU -- that’s right, you - the one reading this RIGHT now -- would NEVER know how to reach out to me and help me when I really need help if I never let you “in.” And ohhhh boy does satan like that strategy! It’s like the analogy of the single coal being taken out of the fire and left to sit by itself. What happens? Even though while it was near the other coals it was helping produce an intense heat, once it’s set by itself it quickly loses that heat and goes out. Satan knows that when he isolates us and makes us feel like this burden is too much to put on my friends, or that they would look down on me if they really knew what I struggled with, or any of the thousand other useless lies that keep us struggling in isolation - he knows we lose our effectiveness in the kingdom and are soon at the risk of having our light be extinguished altogether. The other danger is in recognizing we aren’t doing each other any favors by refusing to be honest. Isn’t that what we’re doing? We say we’re fine when we’re not, and we look happy when we’re troubled inside. How can God use my struggle to help anyone else if no one else knows what that struggle is? If my trials don’t go any farther than benefitting myself, that’s a pretty shallow existence.

So this blog is one of my attempts to take off that mask. It isn’t about parading my personal life to the world -- it’s about becoming vulnerable to the people that love me the most ... but may or may not know me the best. After all, if we do not bare our souls to one another, can we truly say we “know” each other? Or do we simply know the mask that person chooses to show us? Really, we get to pick who people think we are, instead of being honest about who we are. From now on I am committed to being a person who is more known by my loved ones. By having the strength to be honest when it’s not a good day, you will know I mean it when I say it really IS a good day. What’s so scary about bad days & struggles anyway?? We all have them. Why don’t we start admitting it?

Rewind#3: While I am Waiting

Original air date: 26Jan10

(Blogger’s note: don’t worry, dear reader - not all the posts on this little blog will be this long!  But when I’m trying to explain probably the second most profound revelation to my heart and soul in my adult life, it’s not going to be a quick note. So grab a cup of coffee, get in a comfy chair, and read on!)

Recently, I have been humbled. I have been brought to my spiritual knees and things became clear in my heart that have been struggling to find the surface for YEARS. This revelation has only been rivaled by my initial conviction to turn my life to Christ - almost 7 years ago! But I certainly don’t credit myself for this big breakthrough. I know in my heart of hearts that the Lord has been working diligently on me -- He has been using the people in my life to talk to me, He has used years of frustration and a general feeling of being lost & spinning hopelessly to get my attention, and He has used pain, sorrow and heartache to bring my heart to a point where I would truly listen to Him with my whole soul. I have known that God is bigger than any situation in my life, and that He is powerful enough to use all of these things together for what is good. This requires a “big picture” point of view! It is WAY too human and easy for us to only be able to see a day behind and a day in front of us. All we can see is the hurt we feel RIGHT NOW. We don’t see the blessings that come from what I will learn and grow in and mature by going through this. We just feel our pillow, wet with tears. We feel our fingernails digging into our own skin, the sinking of despair in our hearts. It takes the faith of a saint at THAT moment to know that God will use THAT moment for what is good. The Holy Spirit tells us: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to {His} purpose.” (Rom 8:28) - and now my soul is accepting that, beyond just my intellect believing it.

So what WAS this big breakthrough? What was powerful enough to shake the very core of all my thought processes and up-end and re-align my emotions? The shortest way I can explain it is by saying it’s putting my faith where my head is. I have always thought when I should have trusted. I worried when I should have trusted. I made my own plans, blazed my own trail, and then later asked God to bless me along the way. We all say the words and quasi-intellectually know that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives .... but then when our lives are changed by things outside of our control, we are TOTALLY lost and confused and mad!! Or, at least that described me. I have been living my life working towards the goals that I have set for myself - which, in and of themselves were not sinful goals or anything wrong - I had graduated from college with a degree in Metal, I had been working as a goldsmith, which was a job I just loved! I LOVED taking raw metal and having a vision of what it could become, and through the process of many cuts, burns, and laser welds on my skin, that hunk of metal would eventually turn into a beautiful piece of jewelry. Call me crazy, but I love the callouses on my hands and the permanent black fingernails from the polishing compound (although I quickly learned that people who make their own meth have hands that look the same, and therefore I was hit up for drugs more than once.) But at the ripe ol’ age of 25, my world was changed when Behcet’s Disease (BD) began manifesting in my body. Two years later I took some time off work to heal from a flare, (which had become my pattern by that point) -- but what I couldn’t have seen coming was that I would never go back. I would never sit at that bench again. Where I hung my torch that day is where it would remain. Whatever joints I hadn’t soldered or stones I hadn’t quite finished setting yet would never be done. Even right now as I write this, that is incredibly hard for me to say, and gets me a little teary. Right now I type this with clean hands, long nails, and a girly manicure. Not that I don’t like those things, but if I had to pick one or the other, *I* would have picked the nasty jeweler’s manicure in a heartbeat! But God had other plans for me, which are being revealed to me one painfully slow day at a time. That’s not the way I like it. (Which is weird, because I really am QUITE a spontaneous person ... in fact, too much routine will drive me nuts faster than most other things. But when it comes to my life, evidently I like to know what I’m getting into.)

So where am I going with all this? (If you know me at all, you already know that I am easily distracted by shiny objects and funny stories, so me getting off on tangents will NOT be a stranger to this blog.) :-P 

The last year of my life has been one of the most difficult years of my life. There haven’t been any big new developments (well, other than the addition of a new disease. I guess that counts as “major,") yet my mind has been in a constant struggle to accept my “new life.” I have heard that we can never go back to our old normal, but must create a “new normal.” That is especially difficult if you didn’t have anything against your old normal! My faith is strong and by far the most important thing in my life, so why was I so devastated about the changes in my life?? I have always considered myself an optimist, so it was really bothering me how negative the majority of my thoughts were. I had always wanted to be the kind of person that took everything in stride ... the kind of person who, when their left arm was cut off in some tragic farm equipment accident, could simply smile and say, “My wedding ring fit better on my other hand anyway,” and never think another thing about it. Then I’d travel the country speaking to other farm equipment victims and motivate them to be in the one-handed Olympics. But the reality was that I was having a tough time!! And I didn’t want to be having a tough time, so it made it even worse. If you had ever asked me, I would have said that what a person DOES for a living is NOT what that person IS. “A job title does not an identity make.” Yet in practice, now that I didn’t have a job title or a career, I was feeling totally lost and without an identity. So here I am, 31, without a career and without little kids runnin’ around the house ... so what did that make me? Without a career and without a family, what did I DO?? Who was I? I was struggling very much to feel intrinsic worth as a person, without making a tangible contribution to society in the work force. But I have never looked at anyone I’ve known that does not work (or is not raising a family) as if they were any less of a person because of it, but I was overwhelmed with those feelings for myself. Quite the double standard! 

Through a lot of conversations with people, through soul-searching and prayer and asking for prayers, and just by keeping my antennae up for direction from the Lord - it all revealed amazing things! I think it all came to a head and gelled together while listening to a sermon by Dane Bengard in Chester a couple weeks ago. The basic point of the sermon was yielding yourself and allowing the Spirit to work in your life, and not only asking for God to guide your life but also making yourself available to be guided daily. This was revolutionary! --even though I had known that intellectually for quite a while. The book of James talks about when we make plans for our lives, we should always say, “If the Lord wills we will do this or that.” But does our heart say that too? The litmus test is how we react when our plans don’t come through. I was failing that test miserably! I was devastated, pouting, hurt, angry, and unsure of where to go or who I was. As if God had been waiting for my agenda to move forward, and if He didn’t have MY plan to go by He’d just be at a loss for what to do next. I suddenly realized that I had never lifted my plans up to the Lord and asked if it was His will that I do the things I was planning!! It all came home when I realized (not for the first time in my brain, but the first time in my heart,) that I serve a God who does NOT simply close doors and leave us scratching our heads. If God is closing a door in my life, it is because He has another door opening for me. 

I have no idea what that door is. I don’t know what’s on the other side. I have no idea what I’m going to find when I walk through it. But I know one thing is for certain - GOD is on the other side of that door, and Christ is there waiting to walk with me every step of the way. Why do I need to worry about where the path leads, when I have Christ at my side? So I am waiting. I know that my old plan is not the way God is leading me, but I don’t know yet the form of the new plan. But while I am waiting I will be hopeful, and I will be peaceful, and I will continue to worship the God of my every tomorrow.