Rewind#4: Masquerade

Original air date: 27Jan10

First of all, I really want to thank everyone so far for all of your support for this blog effort of mine! It was a total step in faith, not really sure why I was feeling compelled to do it, but listening to that tug inside me anyway. Lately - more than ever before - I have felt my mind dwelling on topics that were much larger than my day-to-day routine, and my heart has felt as though it is being pulled open - wider than ever before - to encompass territory I never thought I would call my own. Don’t worry ... there will be much more on this in the entries to come, I’m sure. But there’s also been a surprise to all of my feedback lately -- not just to this blog, but to whenever I take the step to become vulnerable and share things that have been weighing on my heart (or setting my heart free, in some cases.) People relate. It reminds me of the simple principle from grade school - no, it’s not “There’s no such thing as a stupid question. Only stupid people.” I was thinking more of: “If you have a question, don’t feel dumb asking it, because if you’re confused then most likely someone else is too.” In our spiritual circles, I think the truth is that if you are struggling with something, either someone you know is struggling with it right now or they have in the past. And this has held true for some areas that I NEVER dreamed anyone could relate to me -- especially in the church! When I first started hanging around Christians, long before I was one, I of course noticed how nice everyone was - but I also noticed very quickly that no one struggled. No one was tore up about something they were dealing with. At least, not on the outside. This was a major sticking point for me at first, and it made me feel like I was SUCH an outcast that I would likely never fit in. “Surely no one here could relate with what I have struggled with this week!!” I thought. “What’s the worst these people have? They didn’t let someone merge in front of them in traffic? They left a $4 tip when they should have left a $5??” I was absolutely convinced that no one could relate to the process I was going through of purging my mind, my heart and my body of the sins that had accumulated there after living contrary to God for 25 years. I knew at that point that I needed to give my life to Christ, but I didn’t think I was ready. There was MUCH too much wrong with my life that I needed to fix first, and then I would turn to Christ. One night in Bible class though, the Lord spoke to me straight through Larry Cain. He said, “There are some people waiting to be a Christian because they think they need to get their life in order first. They are thinking absolutely backward! What they don’t realize is that the ONLY way they’ll be able to “fix” their life is through the strength that is found only in Christ.” That very week I was baptized, because I knew that until I was washed in the blood of Christ, my life would continue to be in opposition to God and all things good, and I wouldn’t have the tools in my belt to actually fix the problems I was facing. As for everybody looking perfect around me, it wasn’t for a long time that I realized I looked pretty perfect to them too! I too had been donning my mask of perfection when we got together.  My smile got bigger and my laugh got louder. Why? Because I didn’t want anyone to see the dark struggles that were happening right under the surface. I’ve done this to my friends and family for years -- as long as I can remember. Why? Because no one wants to look weak. Because *I* don’t want to look weak. That is why I chose the picture at the top of this page -- it’s so easy for us to look through a lens at someone else and be their armchair psychologist. How often do we willingly step out in front of that lens?

It’s only been recently, though, that I’ve come to realize the danger of this masquerade. YOU -- that’s right, you - the one reading this RIGHT now -- would NEVER know how to reach out to me and help me when I really need help if I never let you “in.” And ohhhh boy does satan like that strategy! It’s like the analogy of the single coal being taken out of the fire and left to sit by itself. What happens? Even though while it was near the other coals it was helping produce an intense heat, once it’s set by itself it quickly loses that heat and goes out. Satan knows that when he isolates us and makes us feel like this burden is too much to put on my friends, or that they would look down on me if they really knew what I struggled with, or any of the thousand other useless lies that keep us struggling in isolation - he knows we lose our effectiveness in the kingdom and are soon at the risk of having our light be extinguished altogether. The other danger is in recognizing we aren’t doing each other any favors by refusing to be honest. Isn’t that what we’re doing? We say we’re fine when we’re not, and we look happy when we’re troubled inside. How can God use my struggle to help anyone else if no one else knows what that struggle is? If my trials don’t go any farther than benefitting myself, that’s a pretty shallow existence.

So this blog is one of my attempts to take off that mask. It isn’t about parading my personal life to the world -- it’s about becoming vulnerable to the people that love me the most ... but may or may not know me the best. After all, if we do not bare our souls to one another, can we truly say we “know” each other? Or do we simply know the mask that person chooses to show us? Really, we get to pick who people think we are, instead of being honest about who we are. From now on I am committed to being a person who is more known by my loved ones. By having the strength to be honest when it’s not a good day, you will know I mean it when I say it really IS a good day. What’s so scary about bad days & struggles anyway?? We all have them. Why don’t we start admitting it?