What's Important

I recently found this quote on a great blog I was looking through:

Thomas S. Monson --

I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey -- now.

That couldn't be any more true! And what a story of my life. It's so easy to get trapped by the mundane and temporary - because we're surrounded by it. It's what we see, day in and day out. A friend of mine recently admitted that sadly, he'd spent too many years of his life "majoring in the minors." Don't we all do that?! I know I have - and do. Right now I'm at a point in my life of separating what's truly important from what's not ... and it's surprising me what isn't making the 'truly important' list. More heart, less "stuff" ... more eternity and less here-and-now .... MUCH less comfort and more stretching my comfort zones. Mainly, less focus on what people think of me and more focusing on what God thinks of me. I wonder where all this is going? I wonder what God is doing with this new momentum in my life?? I guess only time will tell. The only thing I have any control over is today - and I don't even have much control over that! So, I will just put one foot in front of the other and let God sort out the details of where this path with lead me. ♥

Rewind #32: But Even If He Doesn't...

Original air date: 13Dec2010

Well here we are, on the eve of the big day! Tomorrow, December 14, 2010, is a date which will live in infamy. I will call it “H Day,” because it’s the day of my complete hysterectomy. Wow! Here it is, at midnight, and before I know it I will be down at the hospital and then all done with surgery ... it’s funny how life moves that fast. Then right around the corner I’ll be telling people, “I remember when I had that surgery, back in my early 30’s ...” The days are fleeting, and there are no guarantees in this game! Well, at least not as far as time is concerned. Really, I’m not even promised tomorrow morning.

On one hand, deciding on this surgery was fairly easy: there weren’t many other options. We’ve tried most anything we could think of, and what was always “too drastic to consider yet” is now Plan A. One of the things that makes this difficult, though, is walking the line between having all my hopes & prayers for a “cure” (ie. remission,) or at least a drastic reduction in symptoms for both the Endometriosis and Behçet’s Disease, all resting on this surgery - and then not being devastated if it does not work out that way. I guess the bottom line is to have the kind of faith that would not only sustain me in a time like that, but actually serve to bring me closer to the Lord. There are SO many examples of that kind of faith in the Bible, and they are such an inspiration to me. Of course I think of the apostle Paul who had a “thorn in his flesh” that he repeatedly prayed that God would remove. Paul is blunt and says that God said “no.” Why? Because of the exceeding greatness of the revelations that would be given to Paul, there was given to him a “messenger of Satan” to torment him. Translation: God kept Paul humble! One of the quickest things I learned when my health failed was how little control we truly have over our health. We all think if we eat enough salad and walk around the block on a biannual basis we should live to be 100. But in reality, any day of the week we could look down and find a little spot on our skin, and our lives just changed. So yes, my health challenges has definitely served to keep my humble! Besides, if we were all strong and independant and - as the world views it - a “self-made man,” where would the room be for glorifying God? Who would see my good works and glorify my Father in heaven, if everyone just naturally assumed *I* was capable of doing that?? No one. Everyone would tell me, “well done!” and that would be the end of it. But God is glorified when we do great things through and for him in spite of our weaknesses -- so let me have the attitude of Paul and say, “Most gladly therefore I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor 12:9-10) 

As far as the outcome of this surgery goes, I of course pray for it to be successful in helping to heal me. However, if I rest all of my hope on only that outcome I may miss the blessings of what God will be doing through me if He decides to answer my prayer any other way. Who’s to say who I should meet, how I might share Christ, and what I might do with my life if I continue with my current condition? That might be where He needs me. Paul did some pretty important work while locked up in a prison! In fact, it can be our attitude during the toughest times that has the biggest influence on people - such as the prophet Daniel’s buddies, Shadrach, Meshack & Abednago. Someone twisted the law in order to make the king throw them into a furnace of fire heated 7 times its regular temperature for not worshipping the king’s false gods. Yikes! As the guys were being walked to the fire, this is what they said to the king: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up.” Wow!!! I bet that’s not the average spare-my-life speech the king heard! But what a great example for me. For us. Let my heart always joyfully say:

My God is fully capable of delivering me, of healing me, and of rescuing me - and He *will* deliver me! But even if He does not, I will not cease to praise His name.
Amen!!

Rewind #31: Back Home; Back to Life

Original air date: 20Nov2010

Well, the monster road trip of 2010 is now finished - we are back home and back to the “regular grind” (whatever that means!) Even though we’ve been home for a few days, AND we have company coming to stay a few days with us, I have to admit that most of my bags still sit like I dropped them, unpacked! Ugh, I really have to get to that today. Since we got home, Danny and I have each felt a little under the weather, but nothing major. Once a year Danny get a changing-of-the-seasons cold, and he’s been fighting that a few days. I hope he starts feeling better soon -- but I have to be honest that a part of me “likes” it when he’s under the weather, because it’s one of the very few times where I actually get to be a nurse to him, instead of the usual other way around!! I got my flu and pneumonia shots this week after getting home, and then I started feeling really yucky afterwards. I know it’s just my reaction, that it’s not the real flu, but it sure feels the same! But it only lasts a short time, so hopefully I’ll be feeling better soon.

Danny and I just couldn’t be more thankful for the trip we were able to take. It was SO wonderful! Not only was it a time of GREAT fun and a billion laughs, but we also used it as a spiritual realignment. That was very needed. We are both thankful for all the prayers on our behalf for health and safety while on the road, and we know that God heard and answered those prayers. 

Now, we’re onto the next phase! Keep checking back for updates on what THAT means. :-)

Rewind #30: Just Go Ahead and Say "Thanks"

Original air date: 6Nov2010

Our “Roadtrip Extraordinaire” continues! We are having such an amazing time!! We have now been out for over a month ... and we are still several days and states away from being back home. (Wow - where would we be without the friends we have that are holding down the fort back home??) Danny and I are just without words to express how thankful we are for the opportunity of this trip. Right now we are at the heart of the trip - the Homecoming of Harding University ... especially the Jazz/Stage Band! It has been 30 years since this group played together, and the performance they put on today was worth the wait! Just stunning. Danny has been looking forward to this for so long, I can’t even count. Soooo great!!!

The weather has been ideal on the trip - the scenery has been amazing - the timing of everything is just more than we ever could have planned. When we got to Colorado, it was smack in the middle of the elk rutting season, so we got great pictures. We got to Tennessee at the height of all the autumn colors, and by the time we were leaving there the leaves had mostly fallen. We saw thunderstorms in Kansas like California has never seen! (Complete with a tornado siren.) :) And now here we are in Arkansas, and it is just amazing (am I over-using that word?? I can’t think of others more appropriate!) all the things we’ve been able to experience.

Yet in the middle of all these blessings tripping over each other to come in my front door, Satan still tries to cram his way in. Sometimes he almost wins - other times he wins. (But only temporarily!) A couple days ago I got a call from my surgeon’s office, and found out that there was a mistake in the scheduling of my operation. Instead of being November 30th, it will have to wait until December 15th. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper! I was quite bumped and even spent a tear or two on the deal - but then I just went on. This morning I was thinking about the fast pace we’ve been running and the few people we’ve been around that we know are or have recently been sick, and I couldn’t help but virtually start my count-down clock for when I’ll soon be sick. Then I thought, ‘Well, at least this is towards the end of my trip; I’ll have time to get a lot of rest at home now that my surgery is pushed back.’ Then it hit me - like a ton of shoulda-thought-of-that-before bricks. Remember last July when I was in the hospital and got the ‘horrible’ news that my laparoscopy had been cancelled due to my hospitalization? I was so crushed ... until I met with my surgeon a month later and found out that it was a good thing that it was cancelled! I didn’t see it coming, but God knew all along exactly what I needed and orchestrated things to work out perfectly! So, it wasn’t until this morning that I put all the pieces together. Whether or not I actually get sick from this trip, I *know* I will need time to recover from this trip. I kept thinking, and then one neuron met another (seemingly unrelated) neuron. The I-need-time-to-recover neuron met up with the my-surgery’s-been-rescheduled neuron, and they tied a bow together around the God-ALWAYS-knows-what-I-need neuron!! 

So I guess what I am saying is that even when things frustrate me, confuse me, and set me back, I should just go ahead and tell God “Thank You” - because I know that one way or another, visible short term or in the long run, He really IS working all things together for my good, because I love Him. That’s His promise .... yet how quickly I think my current circumstances must be exempt from that rule. Silly silly silly me. Satan may win a round here or there with me, but since I have the strength of Christ on my side, I know he will not win this war!!!

Rewind #28: The Hands Start Sweating....

Original air date: 23Sept2010

I’m waiting,
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful,
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful,
But patiently I will wait.

While I’m waiting, I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not fade
I’ll be running the race, even while I wait

“While I’m Waiting” --John Waller

Well ... the rubber hits the road! I moved from being in pencil on a Post-It note to being in the system ... on the books ... my hysterectomy is officially scheduled. Yikes! So let me tell you, just being on the phone with the surgery coordinator made my hands sweat! How is this going to work?? It’s funny how different it feels to go from being a prospective patient to being scheduled.

So..... now I wait.  I am thankful that even though sometimes I feel as fragile as the bloom of a flower (despite that tough-as-nails exterior), I know that I have strength beyond myself to lean upon.

68 days .... but who’s counting?? 

Rewind #17: Blessing the Broken Road

Original air date: 17Feb2010

Every long-lost dream
Led me to where you are.
Others who broke my heart,
They were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms.
This much I know is true:
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you ....

"God Bless the Broken Road" --Rascal Flatts 

Just ask my husband - I cannot watch a movie without guessing a hundred times how the movie’s going to end. I am constantly saying things like, “Watch out behind that door! There’s a bad guy waiting!” or, “Ohh I don’t trust that guy. They’re only making us like him because he’s gonna turn out to be a terrorist.” or, “I’m tellin’ ya, this girl helped plant the bomb.” .... you know, stuff like that. (Did I just give away what kind of movies we watch most?? OK, so we watch WAY too much “24,” what’s your point?) ;-) I guess I’m kinda like Dr. House - I get enough of my guesses right that Danny threatens to not watch with me anymore ... but for each correct guess I have, I have 99 wrong guesses.

Ain’t that life?? I tell ya, I could never have guessed the path of my life. I would never have believed you if you came up to me 10 years ago and said simple truths from my life. I would never have believed that not only would I be a Christian, but I would have SUCH a fire for Christ that I would give anything to be able to share with any person that would listen for 5 minutes the unbelievable change that Christ has made in my life. I would have pointed to the little “Darwin fish” decal on my truck bumper back then and snidely said, “Yeah right.” If you would have told me that by the age of 25 I would have a college degree, two divorces, and a life-changing autoimmune disease that would force me to work my last day on the job less than two years later, I would have told you that you were off your rocker. I would also never have believed that one day I would have the kind of husband that makes me feel like I will NEVER be able to repay the love and the dedication that he shows to me on a daily basis, having stood with me through thick and thin, high and low - and that I would feel humbled nearly every time I looked at him. I wouldn’t have believed that I would find and marry a man of such worth.

Believe me, before I was a Christian I looked for love in all the wrong places - and not surprisingly, I found the fish native to the ponds in which I was trolling. It took changing the fishing pond, the bait and the standards for what was a keeper and what was strictly catch-n-release before I found the man that is the catch of a lifetime. Danny and I have never hidden that we have had our ups and downs since we were married in January of 2005, but I can say easily that we have never been stronger than we are now. God has blessed me beyond measure with my husband, and I am humbled and inspired by the kind of agape-love he shows for me. 

Both Danny and I admit that we each came into this marriage with no small amount of baggage. I like to think I simply had a carry-on while he was hauling his Air Force duffel bag, (which is NO small bag) ... but I know that’s simply not true. I practically had to have a bellhop follow me around the first years of our marriage just to make sure I wouldn’t lose track of any of my baggage. Well, item by item and prayer by prayer, Danny and I continue to set down that baggage and determine together never to pick it back up again. As painful as creating that baggage was, I *know* that it was exactly those experiences that built Danny and me into the people we are today. Without those experiences, we wouldn’t have the depth of relationship we have today. As this song truly says, I wholeheartedly believe that every thing along my broken road was leading me and preparing me for Danny -- and so wishing away any part of my past would wish away my present.

So here’s the real sticking point to that train of thought -- if I say that I trust that the Lord was always looking out for me, preparing me and discipling me for the blessings of my life now, knowing that without those difficult experiences I would not be the person I am today .... then wouldn’t the same hold true for my present and my future? Isn’t the God I serve today the same God that loved me back then, even before I loved Him? Why would I ever think, then, that my current trials aren’t all the more preparation for blessings I can not imagine and would not believe anyway awaiting me in my future?? I desire a faith that not only looks back and gives thanks, but one that looks forward and trusts.

Now I’m just rolling home, into my lover’s arms ....

This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

Rewind#3: While I am Waiting

Original air date: 26Jan10

(Blogger’s note: don’t worry, dear reader - not all the posts on this little blog will be this long!  But when I’m trying to explain probably the second most profound revelation to my heart and soul in my adult life, it’s not going to be a quick note. So grab a cup of coffee, get in a comfy chair, and read on!)

Recently, I have been humbled. I have been brought to my spiritual knees and things became clear in my heart that have been struggling to find the surface for YEARS. This revelation has only been rivaled by my initial conviction to turn my life to Christ - almost 7 years ago! But I certainly don’t credit myself for this big breakthrough. I know in my heart of hearts that the Lord has been working diligently on me -- He has been using the people in my life to talk to me, He has used years of frustration and a general feeling of being lost & spinning hopelessly to get my attention, and He has used pain, sorrow and heartache to bring my heart to a point where I would truly listen to Him with my whole soul. I have known that God is bigger than any situation in my life, and that He is powerful enough to use all of these things together for what is good. This requires a “big picture” point of view! It is WAY too human and easy for us to only be able to see a day behind and a day in front of us. All we can see is the hurt we feel RIGHT NOW. We don’t see the blessings that come from what I will learn and grow in and mature by going through this. We just feel our pillow, wet with tears. We feel our fingernails digging into our own skin, the sinking of despair in our hearts. It takes the faith of a saint at THAT moment to know that God will use THAT moment for what is good. The Holy Spirit tells us: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to {His} purpose.” (Rom 8:28) - and now my soul is accepting that, beyond just my intellect believing it.

So what WAS this big breakthrough? What was powerful enough to shake the very core of all my thought processes and up-end and re-align my emotions? The shortest way I can explain it is by saying it’s putting my faith where my head is. I have always thought when I should have trusted. I worried when I should have trusted. I made my own plans, blazed my own trail, and then later asked God to bless me along the way. We all say the words and quasi-intellectually know that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives .... but then when our lives are changed by things outside of our control, we are TOTALLY lost and confused and mad!! Or, at least that described me. I have been living my life working towards the goals that I have set for myself - which, in and of themselves were not sinful goals or anything wrong - I had graduated from college with a degree in Metal, I had been working as a goldsmith, which was a job I just loved! I LOVED taking raw metal and having a vision of what it could become, and through the process of many cuts, burns, and laser welds on my skin, that hunk of metal would eventually turn into a beautiful piece of jewelry. Call me crazy, but I love the callouses on my hands and the permanent black fingernails from the polishing compound (although I quickly learned that people who make their own meth have hands that look the same, and therefore I was hit up for drugs more than once.) But at the ripe ol’ age of 25, my world was changed when Behcet’s Disease (BD) began manifesting in my body. Two years later I took some time off work to heal from a flare, (which had become my pattern by that point) -- but what I couldn’t have seen coming was that I would never go back. I would never sit at that bench again. Where I hung my torch that day is where it would remain. Whatever joints I hadn’t soldered or stones I hadn’t quite finished setting yet would never be done. Even right now as I write this, that is incredibly hard for me to say, and gets me a little teary. Right now I type this with clean hands, long nails, and a girly manicure. Not that I don’t like those things, but if I had to pick one or the other, *I* would have picked the nasty jeweler’s manicure in a heartbeat! But God had other plans for me, which are being revealed to me one painfully slow day at a time. That’s not the way I like it. (Which is weird, because I really am QUITE a spontaneous person ... in fact, too much routine will drive me nuts faster than most other things. But when it comes to my life, evidently I like to know what I’m getting into.)

So where am I going with all this? (If you know me at all, you already know that I am easily distracted by shiny objects and funny stories, so me getting off on tangents will NOT be a stranger to this blog.) :-P 

The last year of my life has been one of the most difficult years of my life. There haven’t been any big new developments (well, other than the addition of a new disease. I guess that counts as “major,") yet my mind has been in a constant struggle to accept my “new life.” I have heard that we can never go back to our old normal, but must create a “new normal.” That is especially difficult if you didn’t have anything against your old normal! My faith is strong and by far the most important thing in my life, so why was I so devastated about the changes in my life?? I have always considered myself an optimist, so it was really bothering me how negative the majority of my thoughts were. I had always wanted to be the kind of person that took everything in stride ... the kind of person who, when their left arm was cut off in some tragic farm equipment accident, could simply smile and say, “My wedding ring fit better on my other hand anyway,” and never think another thing about it. Then I’d travel the country speaking to other farm equipment victims and motivate them to be in the one-handed Olympics. But the reality was that I was having a tough time!! And I didn’t want to be having a tough time, so it made it even worse. If you had ever asked me, I would have said that what a person DOES for a living is NOT what that person IS. “A job title does not an identity make.” Yet in practice, now that I didn’t have a job title or a career, I was feeling totally lost and without an identity. So here I am, 31, without a career and without little kids runnin’ around the house ... so what did that make me? Without a career and without a family, what did I DO?? Who was I? I was struggling very much to feel intrinsic worth as a person, without making a tangible contribution to society in the work force. But I have never looked at anyone I’ve known that does not work (or is not raising a family) as if they were any less of a person because of it, but I was overwhelmed with those feelings for myself. Quite the double standard! 

Through a lot of conversations with people, through soul-searching and prayer and asking for prayers, and just by keeping my antennae up for direction from the Lord - it all revealed amazing things! I think it all came to a head and gelled together while listening to a sermon by Dane Bengard in Chester a couple weeks ago. The basic point of the sermon was yielding yourself and allowing the Spirit to work in your life, and not only asking for God to guide your life but also making yourself available to be guided daily. This was revolutionary! --even though I had known that intellectually for quite a while. The book of James talks about when we make plans for our lives, we should always say, “If the Lord wills we will do this or that.” But does our heart say that too? The litmus test is how we react when our plans don’t come through. I was failing that test miserably! I was devastated, pouting, hurt, angry, and unsure of where to go or who I was. As if God had been waiting for my agenda to move forward, and if He didn’t have MY plan to go by He’d just be at a loss for what to do next. I suddenly realized that I had never lifted my plans up to the Lord and asked if it was His will that I do the things I was planning!! It all came home when I realized (not for the first time in my brain, but the first time in my heart,) that I serve a God who does NOT simply close doors and leave us scratching our heads. If God is closing a door in my life, it is because He has another door opening for me. 

I have no idea what that door is. I don’t know what’s on the other side. I have no idea what I’m going to find when I walk through it. But I know one thing is for certain - GOD is on the other side of that door, and Christ is there waiting to walk with me every step of the way. Why do I need to worry about where the path leads, when I have Christ at my side? So I am waiting. I know that my old plan is not the way God is leading me, but I don’t know yet the form of the new plan. But while I am waiting I will be hopeful, and I will be peaceful, and I will continue to worship the God of my every tomorrow.