Rewind #32: But Even If He Doesn't...

Original air date: 13Dec2010

Well here we are, on the eve of the big day! Tomorrow, December 14, 2010, is a date which will live in infamy. I will call it “H Day,” because it’s the day of my complete hysterectomy. Wow! Here it is, at midnight, and before I know it I will be down at the hospital and then all done with surgery ... it’s funny how life moves that fast. Then right around the corner I’ll be telling people, “I remember when I had that surgery, back in my early 30’s ...” The days are fleeting, and there are no guarantees in this game! Well, at least not as far as time is concerned. Really, I’m not even promised tomorrow morning.

On one hand, deciding on this surgery was fairly easy: there weren’t many other options. We’ve tried most anything we could think of, and what was always “too drastic to consider yet” is now Plan A. One of the things that makes this difficult, though, is walking the line between having all my hopes & prayers for a “cure” (ie. remission,) or at least a drastic reduction in symptoms for both the Endometriosis and Behçet’s Disease, all resting on this surgery - and then not being devastated if it does not work out that way. I guess the bottom line is to have the kind of faith that would not only sustain me in a time like that, but actually serve to bring me closer to the Lord. There are SO many examples of that kind of faith in the Bible, and they are such an inspiration to me. Of course I think of the apostle Paul who had a “thorn in his flesh” that he repeatedly prayed that God would remove. Paul is blunt and says that God said “no.” Why? Because of the exceeding greatness of the revelations that would be given to Paul, there was given to him a “messenger of Satan” to torment him. Translation: God kept Paul humble! One of the quickest things I learned when my health failed was how little control we truly have over our health. We all think if we eat enough salad and walk around the block on a biannual basis we should live to be 100. But in reality, any day of the week we could look down and find a little spot on our skin, and our lives just changed. So yes, my health challenges has definitely served to keep my humble! Besides, if we were all strong and independant and - as the world views it - a “self-made man,” where would the room be for glorifying God? Who would see my good works and glorify my Father in heaven, if everyone just naturally assumed *I* was capable of doing that?? No one. Everyone would tell me, “well done!” and that would be the end of it. But God is glorified when we do great things through and for him in spite of our weaknesses -- so let me have the attitude of Paul and say, “Most gladly therefore I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor 12:9-10) 

As far as the outcome of this surgery goes, I of course pray for it to be successful in helping to heal me. However, if I rest all of my hope on only that outcome I may miss the blessings of what God will be doing through me if He decides to answer my prayer any other way. Who’s to say who I should meet, how I might share Christ, and what I might do with my life if I continue with my current condition? That might be where He needs me. Paul did some pretty important work while locked up in a prison! In fact, it can be our attitude during the toughest times that has the biggest influence on people - such as the prophet Daniel’s buddies, Shadrach, Meshack & Abednago. Someone twisted the law in order to make the king throw them into a furnace of fire heated 7 times its regular temperature for not worshipping the king’s false gods. Yikes! As the guys were being walked to the fire, this is what they said to the king: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up.” Wow!!! I bet that’s not the average spare-my-life speech the king heard! But what a great example for me. For us. Let my heart always joyfully say:

My God is fully capable of delivering me, of healing me, and of rescuing me - and He *will* deliver me! But even if He does not, I will not cease to praise His name.
Amen!!

Rewind #30: Just Go Ahead and Say "Thanks"

Original air date: 6Nov2010

Our “Roadtrip Extraordinaire” continues! We are having such an amazing time!! We have now been out for over a month ... and we are still several days and states away from being back home. (Wow - where would we be without the friends we have that are holding down the fort back home??) Danny and I are just without words to express how thankful we are for the opportunity of this trip. Right now we are at the heart of the trip - the Homecoming of Harding University ... especially the Jazz/Stage Band! It has been 30 years since this group played together, and the performance they put on today was worth the wait! Just stunning. Danny has been looking forward to this for so long, I can’t even count. Soooo great!!!

The weather has been ideal on the trip - the scenery has been amazing - the timing of everything is just more than we ever could have planned. When we got to Colorado, it was smack in the middle of the elk rutting season, so we got great pictures. We got to Tennessee at the height of all the autumn colors, and by the time we were leaving there the leaves had mostly fallen. We saw thunderstorms in Kansas like California has never seen! (Complete with a tornado siren.) :) And now here we are in Arkansas, and it is just amazing (am I over-using that word?? I can’t think of others more appropriate!) all the things we’ve been able to experience.

Yet in the middle of all these blessings tripping over each other to come in my front door, Satan still tries to cram his way in. Sometimes he almost wins - other times he wins. (But only temporarily!) A couple days ago I got a call from my surgeon’s office, and found out that there was a mistake in the scheduling of my operation. Instead of being November 30th, it will have to wait until December 15th. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper! I was quite bumped and even spent a tear or two on the deal - but then I just went on. This morning I was thinking about the fast pace we’ve been running and the few people we’ve been around that we know are or have recently been sick, and I couldn’t help but virtually start my count-down clock for when I’ll soon be sick. Then I thought, ‘Well, at least this is towards the end of my trip; I’ll have time to get a lot of rest at home now that my surgery is pushed back.’ Then it hit me - like a ton of shoulda-thought-of-that-before bricks. Remember last July when I was in the hospital and got the ‘horrible’ news that my laparoscopy had been cancelled due to my hospitalization? I was so crushed ... until I met with my surgeon a month later and found out that it was a good thing that it was cancelled! I didn’t see it coming, but God knew all along exactly what I needed and orchestrated things to work out perfectly! So, it wasn’t until this morning that I put all the pieces together. Whether or not I actually get sick from this trip, I *know* I will need time to recover from this trip. I kept thinking, and then one neuron met another (seemingly unrelated) neuron. The I-need-time-to-recover neuron met up with the my-surgery’s-been-rescheduled neuron, and they tied a bow together around the God-ALWAYS-knows-what-I-need neuron!! 

So I guess what I am saying is that even when things frustrate me, confuse me, and set me back, I should just go ahead and tell God “Thank You” - because I know that one way or another, visible short term or in the long run, He really IS working all things together for my good, because I love Him. That’s His promise .... yet how quickly I think my current circumstances must be exempt from that rule. Silly silly silly me. Satan may win a round here or there with me, but since I have the strength of Christ on my side, I know he will not win this war!!!

Rewind #29: Counting Down, Spoons, and Dreams

Original air date: 16Oct2010

Well, here we are - 16 days into our dream road trip! We are having SO much fun, and I have to say (since I’m not superstitious) that we haven’t had a single bump, issue, or setback. It’s truly been a blessed trip. The scenery across America in the heart of autumn has just been amazing, and I wouldn’t trade my company for the trip for anything. Danny and I have giggled our heads off, had big deep serious conversations, and just chatted away a few thousand miles. And even though we have XM radio, a bunch of cd’s, and several books with us, most all of our time has been spent just soaking up the conversation of a couple best friends. I am so blessed with my partner. I may not have done a lot of things well in my life, but one thing I *can* say is that I married well. :)

The one thing about the trip that’s really surprised me, though, is how many ‘spoons’ it requires to sit it a car all day. Even when we don’t have a schedule to keep, I can nap throughout the day, and there’s not a stressor to be found, I have still been strangely low on spoons! I knew I wasn’t going to have an overabundance of them, but I’ve been surprised by how many this trip has taken.  For so many reasons I am looking forward to my surgery in November -- but I have to admit there’s still quite a nervousness in me! I am still doing research, even at this point. I am reading a book (out loud while we drive, so that Danny is reading it with me,) on “What every woman needs to know” about a hysterectomy and ovary removal. There is a lot in there I didn’t know! I am sending out an email to all the women I know that have had this surgery (that have said they wouldn’t mind answering some questions) to get an informal “poll” back. Some questions will be specific, and others will be general. Hopefully it will help me get somewhat of a feel for these topics. I will admit something that is rearing its “ugly” head .... all of those issues I talk about a long time ago - I think when I was on the Lupron and contemplating this surgery - related to the emotional impact of this surgery. Things like: being less of a woman, having the option taken away of ever getting pregnant (and as those who know me would know, the decision to not bear children was made long before this surgery, or even these diseases, came about.) Yet these are all reeling around my head a mile a minute! For some reason the term “eunuch” keeps going through my head. I have had more dreams in the last 2 weeks about being pregnant than ever before in my life -- dreams that are happy & good (like being pregnant at the same time as a good friend and sharing the experience,) and dreams that are scary or sad (like having the surgeon find out midway through the surgery that I was actually pregnant, but it was too late because things were already severed.) Ahh! I really could use the help of my subconscious here. It doesn’t need to be messing with my head at this point. (Interestingly, from reading online I have found that these exact same dreams are pretty common among women facing this surgery -- especially the one about finding out mid-surgery that you were pregnant. I guess that’s why they do a pregnancy test during your pre-op.)

So, here I am - back where I was so many months ago: trying to bridge that gap between head and heart. Why can we intellectually know something that is so difficult to incorporate into our hearts? Another thing that is basically one of the major maker-breakers of the decision on the surgery is weighing the balance of (a) the benefits to moderate-to-major medical and quality-of-life issues now, with (b) the possible impact and consequences of major health and quality-of-life issues later. Just skimming off the top of that pond brings up issues of being 3 times more likely to develop coronary heart disease; 6 times more likely to develop congestive heart failure; and 8 times more likely to have a stroke. Isn’t that a lovely bedtime story?

I am so grateful for the wealth of information available at our fingertips with today’s technology, for living in a part of the world where I even have the possibility of major medical care like this, for the friends and family who support me through anything, for a husband who will walk through fire for & with me, and for the love and peace that transcends any medical condition or life situation that can only come from Christ. I am so thankful that the Lord held these health problems back until I was His child and had Him as a source of strength to draw from. 

“The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests
be made known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all comprehension,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Phil 4:5-7

Rewind #23: More than Half Full

Original air date: 18Apr2010

Someday girl this ol’ world will try to beat you up,
Well let ‘em bring it on, cuz every time we touch
Life is good, the grass is green,
The good Lord’s smilin’ on you and me
.... Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could -
Life is good!

Well, that just about sums it up! This blog entry was brought to you by Kenny Chesney. The End.

Just kidding - I know you want WAY more information than that - otherwise why would you be reading this?? (I say that like I even have a clue who’s reading this!) :-P Anyway, as usual, things have been busy and chaotic around here - but such is life!! Danny had surgery on his shoulder day before yesterday, and he’s doing pretty well. So far he’s only woken up in a lot of pain once, and that was because we both slept about 2 hours past his next pain pill dose. Once that had kicked in he was doing alright again - and as long as he’s cozied in to his little spot on the couch, he says he really doesn’t feel much pain. I am very thankful that they were able to repair everything going on in his shoulder without having to go into his rotator cuff - once they have to repair that, the recovery becomes considerably longer and more intensive. As it is, he should be back to himself within a few months - yay! I just can’t wait for him to be in less pain.

So what’s been going on with my health saga lately? Well, there’s news on many fronts. I *finally* got to go in for my appt with my new GYN at UCDavis - I had a lot of anxiety and eagerness about the appt. The clinic sent me a bunch of paperwork to fill out ahead of time and bring with me - but as I started going through the papers, I got reeeeeally nervous. It was ALL related to fertility!!! In fact, I found out the the clinic was called the FERTILITY clinic!! Yikes! I got very nervous and vowed not to take a single medicine or treatment or even drink from their water fountain until I knew well and good what it was for. I started to doubt that I was really being send to the correct clinic, so I called in. I told the lady that answered the phone that I wanted to check to make sure I was going to the right place - saying that I was ONLY coming in to be treated for Endometriosis, and it was NOT related to fertility, not now not ever. She said “oh yes, he treats that, come on in - you’re in the right place.” Okaaaaay. (I was still hesitant.) I was a little nervous in the waiting room, surrounded by all the pregnant people (evidently they are a successful clinic.) I mean, I know they know what causes that “condition” in women now, but just in *case* they’ve missed a contagious factor, I made sure to stay sitting over by myself. ;-) So Danny and I went in to the appt, and it took a little while to get to the bottom line, but within about 20 minutes we figured out with the doctor’s help that we were in the wrong place. He said that yes, he treats Endo, but only inasmuch as it relates to resolving it in order to get pregnant. (Needless to say, the word “hysterectomy” is considered a VERY bad word there.) I became very disheartened and frustrated. It had taken me quite a while to get to that appt, and now I was having to start over with the referral and appt-making process. :( He referred me on to the Chronic Pelvic Pain Clinic (CPPC) for treatment - but two weeks later when the secretary finally called me, they said that there were no appts available until after June, so they could schedule me the first week of June for the resident’s clinic in the same place. I tried to explain to them that I am a complicated case - they have four diseases they have to take into consideration for my treatment (not exactly a straightforward, textbook case,) but they assured me the residents are overseen by the same attending physicians as in the CPPC. So, just to feel like I am making progress, I made an appt for the 8th of May, I think. Somewhere in there. 

On another front, I am taking a few steps forward on getting my cough figured out. The last news I had given on here (I think) was that they had gotten the results of my chest CT scan, where they saw “a certain kind of inflammation indicative of MAC disease.” So they sent me to a specialist in MAC, who I saw last week. They showed me my CT scan (that kind of stuff I just find *fascinating*!) and showed me the places that were not normal, and what was of concern to them. They would like to redo my bronchoscopy (my last one was last summer,) so we have scheduled that for April 29th, I believe. (Sometimes these appts all run together!) Also, on the 27th I go into my Dermatologist for a follow-up on my LS. It’s improved, but not gone away. :( 

And still in yet *other* health news, my body seems to be getting back on track since my Lupron shot last October. Things are returning to a normal schedule - but unfortunately that means that my monthly hand flares have also returned. This month I am having my first flare since October, and it seems to be making up for lost time! The hand spots have become full target lesions, many with tight blisters in the middle, making using my hands very difficult and painful. Hopefully that subsides soon. The good news is that it hasn’t shown up in my mouth yet though.

So -- other than all of the health news (which has been changing daily around here,) I have to say that life is going really well. The sun is shining, spring looks to be finally springing - with a beautiful cluster of yellow roses blooming out front! I have two big yellow rose bushes out front (and two more out back) that just go crazy this time of year. They’re so pretty! I finally got some flowers planted in the pots out in the entry way, which always brightens things up. Plus, I am in love with my husband more than I have ever been, he is in love with me, and we are optimistic about our future. I think this is going to be a *great* year - full of surgeries and health advancements, but I think that by this time next year both Danny and me will be in a better physical state. Plus we are both getting really excited about the travel plans we have! Yippee! *This* is what life is about! I have better relationships with my family, my friends, my church family than I have ever had. I have gotten thru a point in life where I have figured out the difference between a true friend and a fair-weather friend, and I have really come to appreciate the friendship of a true friend - and learned not to waste my time and energy with the other kind - and more importantly, it teaches me what kind of friend I always need to strive to be. With the Lord’s help, I will be the kind of friend that I desire to have. So, it’s not a matter of not having struggles or things to overcome in life, it’s always remaining grateful for all of the overflowing blessings in our lives. Do we focus on the things that we are struggling with, or do we insist on looking at them only in the proper perspective in relation to all of the overwhelming good? I can’t say I am able to pull this off *every* day of my life, but by and large I have to say that I try to make the choice to count my blessings, be thankful for the lessons I learn during my trials, and thank the Lord that He’s always with me no matter what I’m going through, and I trust His promise that He will never give me more than I can handle. Life is good.

Life is good, the grass is green,
The good Lord’s smilin’ on you and me ....
Life is good!

Rewind #16: Birth Control: The Ends Justify the Means??

Original air date: 16Feb2010

I feel compelled to write on this topic for many reasons. Some of the information in this post I have known as long as I can remember (or at least since Health class in high school,) other parts for just a couple years, and some of it is brand-spanking new to me. I think it is especially because of that last part -- the part that is NOT well-advertised, yet I believe EVERY woman should know -- that I write this.

Before I start, I’d like to throw  out a few questions. Some of them might be simple and quick for you to answer, others are pretty deep. All the answers, though, will have a bearing on what you feel about what I am about to write, so please bear with me.

• Are you pro-life or pro-abortion?
• Do you believe in taking the birth control pill (BCP)? What about the “morning-after” pill?
• When do you believe life begins? At conception? Implantation? Birth?
• Do you believe the Christian’s body is a temple of the Holy Spirit? (To back up a step, do you believe in Jehovah God? That there are things that are right and things that are wrong - and rewards/consequences for our choices?)
• Do you believe we are responsible for what we put into our bodies? That we will be called to answer for how we treated ourselves - what kind of steward we were?

As you probably know by now, my life has been a health roller coaster for the last 5½ years, facing Behçet’s Disease, Endometriosis, and more. I have been given medicines and treatments that are relatively safe and mannny years old, and others that are not proven, that are very risky, and are simply on a trial-and-error basis. At the height of my diagnostic quest, I once had to take 56 pills every day (and yeah, they were the prescribed, medication kind.) ;-) I have had to sign off and accept some pretty terrible side effects - everything from indigestion to mood swings to knowing that I have a higher rate of developing malignancies, due to the immunosuppressants I am on. My husband and I have had to weigh the benefits with the risks and decide on a course of treatment -- which many times simply felt like choosing the lesser of two evils (one of those decisions I am weighing right now, actually.) 

But one thing no doctor ever advised me about or asked for my consent for was related to being made aware that the medicine I was about to take would mean that if I ever conceived, my body would prevent a pregnancy, since my body would forcible flush it out. All I was told is this was the safest and most common form of birth control. 

Let me pause for a moment. I believe that within the medical practice, doctors have a certain responsibility for making the patient aware of a reasonable amount of risks and benefits of each treatment considered. Our society focuses, in fact, on the responsibility the “other person” bears. But how much do we stress our own responsibility for our own education? Especially now, living in such an information age, do we have any excuse for ignorance? For years I simply took a doctor at their word that such-and-such-a med would help me, never considering for a moment HOW that treatment worked inside my body or the long-term effects of such a treatment -- let alone any spiritual consequences such a choice might merit. It has only been recently that I have really focused on HOW certain treatments work inside the body, and I have been alternately fascinated and appalled at what I have learned. I have also become convinced that even if we remain ignorant to such inner-workings, we are not avoiding our responsibility in the matter. The Bible says that at one time God overlooked ignorance, but now He is calling ALL men to repentance. He also says that His people are destroyed because of their lack of knowledge. Note that it never says, “God understood why they made the wrong choice and forgave them, because they didn’t know any better and their heart was in the right place.” The Bible says repeatedly that we must come to God according to the truth of His Word. Now, both of those quotes are directly related to people’s ignorance of God’s Word and commands, but I believe it has a broader application also. I believe it means that just because we didn’t know about harm we were causing, that doesn’t mean we are absolved of responsibility. 

I would dare say that the majority of the people who read the beginning questions answered in the following way: “I am pro-life. Yes, I believe the BCP is a responsible choice for a married couple’s family planning - but no, I do not believe in the “morning-after” pill. (In fact, that is horrendous to even think about.) Life begins at conception, we are the temple ... and yes, we are responsible for our choices.”  How close did I come?? I can understand that point of view, because up until very recently I would have answered the exact same way. It’s a majority view (at least among Christians) but much of it even the world agrees with -- did you know that 54% of  all women are pro-life (with the largest pro-life group, other than elderly, being 18-24 yr-olds?) and as many as 100 million women worldwide use the BCP?

I approved of the BCP, even taking it myself for years -- until I learned how the pill really works. It’s not simply a “conception blocker,” as your average clinic doctor leads you believe ... it truly prevents births, but NOT pregnancies. See this website for more in-depth information: http://www.prolife.com/BIRTHCNT.html and I believe you will be very surprised. Not to get all “9th grade Health class” on you, but here’s a video on YouTube that explains it very well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhZOBqdlE5M . Very simply put, the hormones in the BCP force your body to act as if no conception occurred, even if conception DID occur. That means that an egg could have been met by sperm, and without any interference you WOULD have had a baby, but the pill forces you to have a period, which expels the fertilized egg.

When I learned this, I was sick to my stomach. I maintain that there is only ONE difference between the BCP pill and the “morning-after” pill -- when you take it. I believe the BCP is simply the “morning before” pill, but they both have the same result. When we arm ourselves with true medical knowledge, I believe that to be pro-life yet pro-BCP is hypocritical. To be pro-BCP yet against the “morning-after” pill is hypocritical.  We must do research and find out HOW different medications work and alter our bodies before we consent to taking them. Personally, I have deep sorrow at the years I took the pill, even though I never planned on having children ... and I have asked the Lord’s forgiveness for my ignorant behavior. This, I believe, is only genuine if I take it seriously enough to (a) do better about making educated choices in the future, and (b) do everything I can to educate my sisters, knowing how easily misled we are my the advertising and profit-seeking behavior of the pharmaceutical companies. I am grateful that the Lord forgives us when we seek Him according to His truth, knowing that we will no longer continue to make the same mistakes. 

Rewind #6: Units of Measure

Original air date: 28Jan10

[Blogger’s warning: this entry involves “language” ... words such as “estrogen” and even “uterus” are included. Read on at your own risk.]

Measure of a Man ~~Jack Ingram

“Do the best you can do,
love many / trust few,
Work hard for the money in your hand,
That’s the measure of a man.”

According to Jack Ingram, it’s pretty simple to measure a man. Grow to the point where you choose what’s noble, swallow your pride, and have a respectable woman by your side and you’re branded a Man by a catchy country song. But is it really that simple? Just how DO we “measure a man?” What criteria do we use? Is the measure of a man the amount of income they bring into the family? The years they are married or the number of children they have? What about the number of times they have thrown their coat over a puddle so that a fair maiden can walk over it? I have been wondering lately just what exactly is our measuring stick. What about a woman? How do we measure a woman? (And no, I’m NOT talking about the 24-36-26 kinda measurements.) Well ... maybe I am. Isn’t that at least part of it? After all, if you were an archeologist from another time & place and you were studying America in 2010, what would you see as the traits that are esteemed in a woman? Her noble character and a gentle & quiet spirit would surely NOT make the ‘top 10’ by studying our media! So do we try to say we aren’t influenced by that? In fact, does what we say and what we feel even resemble each other?! Are they even distant cousins? Recently I have had to face the reality that not only are those not even ugly step-sisters to each other in my brain, but I doubt they’ve ever even shared spinach dip at a family reunion before.  I don’t think they’ve ever met. But how dare I admit that! Here I am, going on record to say that I’m a hypocrite. Yup, here you have it in black & white. (Or at least grey & cream.) And here’s where I sink even lower: not ONLY does what I say not match what I feel, but the standard by which I judge myself isn’t even close to the standard by which I judge others. I wish it were, though, because I am a WHOLE lot kinder to others. I am able to give others forgiveness, for example, MUCH easier than I forgive myself, and I expect (& nearly demand) growth and maturity in myself at a super-human rate that I would never dream of holding my friends accountable to. I get so disappointed with myself when I fail to meet those standards. But what about the worth of a woman? Please don’t get your hopes up that I am going to gift-wrap a nicely concluded finishing statement by the end of this entry. I’m not being mean, it’s simply because I can’t give what I don’t have ... and I have no resolution to this question yet in my heart. Six or seven years ago, if you had asked me, “What makes a woman?”, my answer would have been one thing. One year ago, it would have been another. For some reason, my recent *diagnosis of Endo changes things. Maybe because of the limited treatment options. My next order of business is to find a new GYN to treat me. Because Endo is “encouraged” by the presence of estrogen, we have to rid my body of estrogen in order to control my pain & problems. Between the Endo and the Behcet’s, it seems that my body’s biggest enemy is, well, my body. Talk about being “Behind Enemy Lines!” I live with the enemy! I am the enemy. So in order to beat this “enemy” in my skin, we are going to have to take out (or neutralize) the parts that are causing the problems. That leaves [for the most part] the two options of: (a) medically-inducing the state of menopause by receiving injections every 3 months, which really messes with my body; or (b) surgically-inducing menopause by removing my uterus and ovaries ... (who are the little guys responsible for making most of my hormones) -which really messes with my body.

Read: “surgically-removing what makes me a woman.”

Now, SURELY I don’t REALLY believe that one organ makes me a woman any more than another organ. I had my wisdom teeth out, and I didn’t have an identity crisis. I have had bunions and keloids removed, and I felt no special loss. Heck, I could even donate a kidney and not feel less of a woman. So why are these organs any different?? Because these are the ones we’re afraid to talk about at the dinner table? When talking to most every medical professional I’ve seen about the decision of whether or not to have the hysterectomy, their #1 question is: “Did you plan on having kids?” Well, no .... we didn’t plan on having kids. They get this relieved look on their face, as if that was the ONLY consideration - and one doc even said, “Well then it won’t be a big deal.” Would you believe me if I told you that doc was a woman who was in her low 30’s?! I just stared at her, stunned. Kinda brings to mind the saying about, If I have to explain it for you to understand, you’ll never understand. My life has never been geared around the plan to have kids. When I married Danny, the fact that he came as a “package deal” with Chris and Kayla was a blessing I could never have imagined -- it is definitely the closest to having kids I will ever be. But they are both grown .... it’s not like I’m teaching anyone to tie their shoes; we are more on the peer level than that of a parent-child.  You can’t get far in scripture before you read that God respects a woman who takes the roles of wife and mother seriously, and dedicates her life to bringing glory to God by fulfilling those roles with her whole heart. But what about women who will not be mothers? I can easily give a whole page full of scripture, not to mention just common sense, to explain why I know [in my head] that God values each man and each woman, regardless of whether or not they procreate. In fact, even the apostle Paul states that marriage is only appropriate for some ... and that for many people it’s more desirable to never marry! “The woman who is unmarried ... is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body & spirit; but the one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This I say ... to promote what is appropriate.” (1 Cor 7:34-35) Those are hardly the words of a God who says every woman has to bear children. God does not have one mold that every woman must fit (well, at least not in this respect.) So when I decided to talk to an older woman in the church who has reconciled being a godly woman and yet not having children, I looked around and realized that there isn’t a woman older than me in our church that has not had kids. Hmm. But really, this isn’t a decision about having kids -- that was never up for debate, and Endo doesn’t change that one way or the other. I say all that just to say, as someone who was trying to reconcile being everything that God is calling me to be as a godly woman in my present circumstances, being faced with getting rid of the parts of my body that define me as a woman kinda poured a little salt in an already complicated wound. 

Uh-oh. See? I said that phrase without even thinking about it. Did you catch it? I said that those organs “define me as a woman.” How can I be so shallow on one hand, yet not believe it at all on the other? I think a lot of it comes down to how we define what is “feminine.” The typical picture that comes into my head when I think of that word is wearing a flowy, pink skirt with a daisy in my hair as I bring a pitcher of homemade iced tea out to where my man is digging a ditch in the front yard. But is that the ONLY definition of feminine? Am I just as feminine when I’m spinning donuts in my red 4x4 through giant mud puddles just because I love how a muddy truck looks? I mean really, does being feminine require pink high heels? This is a web that has been woven back to before I was even a Christian, when I first began grappling with the vast chasm between the world’s definition of a woman and God’s. My definitions of being a woman and being feminine are being challenged and redefined on a virtually daily basis ... and this Endo process is only complicating it.

In my head I am struggling to quaintly wrap up this post, and the reality is that I can’t do that because there’s no resolution in my heart. All I can offer is a host of questions, and pray that the Spirit reveals to me the guidance I need to make this decision. I can EASILY look at the women I know that have had this surgery and without even batting an eye I can surely say that they are every bit a woman, whether or not they still have a certain organ or two. So why do I feel the standard is so different for me?? Why is this even an issue???