Vignettes from a Borrowed Life

Last week I did something I've never done before ... I played "Mom" for a whole week to my three awesome nieces (ages 8, 10 & 10 ... mid-week the little one had a birthday, so it was 9, 10 & 10.) My sister had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go to Nepal for a month and trek around on a particular trail on Mount Everest, which gave me & other family members the chance to spend some time with the girls by alternating weeks.  By the end of my week with the girls I was EXHAUSTED ... and totally bummed it was over. I had so much fun and I owe so much to three special young ladies who made that time unforgettable!

Here are some of the priceless moments from the week that I hope to always remember:

• Coming to the realization - pretty early in the week - that my sister (and all others who take raising a family seriously AND who have to juggle everything else in life) are pretty much real-life superheroes. I feel very strongly that she has a cape and mask hidden somewhere in her house. Without it I don't know how she does it.
• Having a heart-to-heart with my oldest niece over a cup of frozen yogurt.
• Doing an impromptu photo shoot with them while toodling around up in Nevada City, when we came across the perfect brick wall!
• Having random conversations about faith, Jesus and godly living throughout the week, especially with my oldest niece - mostly because of questions she asked me. One was about how I can know that the Bible is trustworthy. We talked about things like the Dead Sea Scrolls, prophecy, carbon dating and consistency. She also asked God's view on temptation and sin in the middle of lunch. We all had a good talk about "not returning evil for evil" when they'd be snippy to each other because "she did it first." We've talked about the good ol' line, "everyone else is doing it" and how God's people are never the majority in society, so it's usually a good thing if you stand out from the crowd! We've talked about "garbage in, garbage out" several times and how no matter our age, we always need to be mindful of the influences we are mentally & spiritually digesting.
• Awkward Moment of the Week award goes to: having to explain my "no" answer to my youngest niece when she asked if I ever wanted to have kids.
• Coming to appreciate even more how much of a full-time job and entire-life sacrifice it is to raise kids. You can't take a day off or "check out" of it for a while. It's the most important - and quite possibly the most difficult thing - anyone could ever do.
• "Dangers of Technology & The Insane Speed at which Things Can Go Awry" Awareness award goes to: showing my nieces how to start a 2-player game of Words on their Kindles using a family member's known username, checking back 10 minutes later to find they've started roughly 15 new games with random opponents, some of whom they'd already started live chats with. Eeek! 
• Being teased about my having had multiple weddings. While playing dress-up with them, my niece got a good long laugh out of having to specify which wedding of Aunt Karyn's that red dress of their mom's was used in. ;-)
• Even though I only "played Mom" for one week, I have a newfound appreciation and compassion for all those people who have to deal with chronic illness and a family. I don't know how they do it.
• Not-so-different with age: I learned that even if kids are wide awake and able to have fun during a late-night slumber party, where they're up over 2 hours past their bedtime, it doesn't mean they'll be able to do their next morning's chores without pinching each other's heads off. Slumber parties the night before our busiest morning of chores (as we were getting ready to leave to take them elsewhere for the next week) was not a good idea. However, the night was fun and I have some awesome pictures of the hours we spent playing dress-up. So I guess in the end it was worth it. :)
• Selfishly Awesome Moment of the Week: while with the girls at their ceramics class (an hour and a half each for four days) the teacher actually allowed me to work in clay too! When she heard that half my college degree is in ceramics, she told me to feel free to use the clay and the wheels to make anything I wanted, and she would fire it for me! I worked on the wheel one day ... the first time in the 11 years since I graduated college!! ... and it was sooooo wonderful!! It was like a therapy session with a trusted counselor! And then the next day I worked on a hand building project along with the girls. Even though I ended up not saving the bowl I threw (below), it was all worth it just to have the time on the wheel!

• I can see especially now how parents have to walk a line in their relationship with their kids where they are not just "friends" with them, but are parents. I have seen many-a family fall because the parents want so much to be liked by their kids and to have someone to hang out with that they fail to uphold standards and discipline when the need arises. I'm not saying at all that there shouldn't be a tightly-knit love & relationship ... I'm just saying they can't be your buddy. Being an aunt is a special sub-category -- and while I have the benefit of not being the disciplinarian, I still hope to set a good example!! (While at the same time allowing them to eat ice cream for dinner.) ;-) 
• Realizing that other than special occasions, I've never once called my nieces just to say hi and see what they're up to. Sure, when I talk to my sister I will sometimes chat with them too for a bit ... but I don't ever remember calling just to talk to each of them. So I've made a resolve to do that.
• Watching the girls document their day each evening as we took some time to write in our journals that will be given to their mom when she gets home, both as a way of "talking to mom" while she's gone and as a fun memento for this time.
• Coming to look at pop culture (like music) in a whole new light. Parts of songs I never really noticed before jump out at me when listening to them with 10-yr-olds!! And realizing just how toxic pop music is. One of the hit songs right now is "Teenage Dream" ... and you know what it's about?? Here's just a few of the lyrics: "Let's go all the way tonight/No regrets, just love...You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream/The way you turn me on/I can't sleep/Let's run away and don't ever look back." YIKES!!! And even when listening to a decent song on a decent station on Pandora, the cover art and ads that pop up can be crazy!! I can see why some parents want to put their kids in an insulated bubble ... which of course you can't do ... but ohhhhh it's a tough world to be a kid or to raise a kid in right now. :(
• Biggest AUNT FAIL moment: asking the oldest to hold the strainer while I pour out the noodles & water I just boiled - and having some of it splash her hand because I poured too fast! She didn't cry, but I sure wanted to!!
• (This one will be hard to explain ... so bear with me. And if you're good with kids and/or have spent a lot of time around them, this might not make ANY sense to you whatsoever.) I realized just how very much little people they are. I mean, they are each striking individuals. Each of my nieces are profoundly unique from not only their sisters, but from anyone else. They are already the core of what they will always be ... they have the core personalities and traits and dis/likes they will likely always have. They are people!! When you have never really spent a lot of time around kids, it's all too easy to think that they aren't just little people - at least not yet. At what point did I think they became little people?? I don't know. Teenagers? More?? I don't know. It's not really a logical thing to try to explain. In fact, I have no idea how to explain this. Suffice it to say that although they're little and they're young, they very much have unique and distinctive traits, goals, dreams, preferences and styles.  I can already see much of the young adults and even adults they will likely be. Even though I wholeheartedly believe we have the power to change much about ourselves (I sure have!!) I also believe that there is, deep down, a core to your soul that makes you you. And even at 8 ... 9 ... 10 ... you've already got it.
• Getting to play "Tooth Fairy" for the first time ever!!! My oldest niece said she was finally going to put a tooth under her pillow that she lost a year ago. Let me tell you, it was stressful to do!! I held my iPhone in my teeth as a flashlight, trying not to shine it on her sleeping face, while I oh-so-carefully lifted the [giant] pillow slightly with one hand & tried to search for the tooth with my other hand all while nervously holding my breath trying not to wake her. I finally found it and slipped the dollar in [having no idea what the going rate for a lost tooth is], but BOY it was stressful!!!
• Moments of the week that stand out that show how they are being raised right:
• seeing how incredibly polite they are. They aren't pushy little kids or whiners or beggars. They are just plain fun to be around.
• after eating chinese food for lunch and saying I was tired and could sleep the rest of the afternoon, all three girls piped up with, "That means this is the best time for you to go exercise." I just laughed!
• upon waking up from a short night's sleep (due to our slumber party the final night) and in prep for a morning of chores, the oldest one said to the others: "Since we didn't get a lot of sleep last night we are more likely to be cranky this morning. We really need to watch ourselves and check our attitudes."
• two of the girls recently saved up enough money of their own and each purchased for themselves a Kindle Fire (a 7" tablet, like an iPad.) 
• Even with the excitement of their brand-new Kindles, when they youngest one asked for a turn playing on them they each said yes without any prompting.
• at a frozen yogurt place where you dish it up yourself and then are charged based on the weight, the only topping my niece would add was whipped cream, "Because you can get a lot and it doesn't weigh hardly anything." Even when I encouraged her to pick something else, just for this one special time, she said, "No thank you. Those weigh too much."
• after eating take-out or fast meals pretty much all week, when we hit a Chinese buffet on Friday for the little one's birthday the middle one came back with a big plate of salad. She said, "We haven't had many greens this week."
• But most of all, more than any other moment, I remember the way I dreaded Saturday's quick approach and my sadness that the week was over. Was I exhausted beyond any reasonable level? Absolutely. Would I have loved to have my time with them be longer? Without a doubt.

.........Aunt Karyn

Crochet: Beginner's success!!

Well, I can now say I know how to crochet! In fact, like I told Danny last night, my crochet knowledge now probably matches my knitting knowledge. I could go back and forth with the same stitch and make a bookmark, washcloth, or scarf (which are all basically the same thing, just in a different scale!) So here's my progress so far:

Woohoooo!!!! A chain stitch followed by the single crochet stitch (which, for crazy reasons, in the UK is called the double crochet. Weird.) But really, the main reason I wanted to post about this was to give a HUGE shout-out to the blog that's helping me learn this. The author is amazing! She has posted a whole "Crochet School" for free, just to be helpful. I think she hits every learning style possible - she writes out all the instructions, has illustrations, and has even made videos looking over her shoulder while she crochets. What else could you need? So, for your help, I will post the two videos she made that have been the most useful for getting started. Here is how to do the chain stitch:

How to make the chain stitch - for right-handed students from Craftyminx on Vimeo.
(If you are left-handed, she has also posted a video for that -- which, ingeniously, is the right-handed video flipped!)
Here is how to do the single crochet stitch:


The Single Crochet Stitch - Right Handed Version from Craftyminx on Vimeo.
(Or, for lefties, on this page.)

Anyway, when I find something great I like to share it, so there you go!!! Happy crafting!! I'd love to hear if any of you are going to give crochet a try - or if there's something else you're working on learning. Believe me, even though I was kind of intimidated, it really was very easy! I got it my first try. :o)

Next endeavor: Crochet!!

Alrighty, here we go!! Thanks to Pinterest and the internet, I've found a blog that looks really helpfull for learning to crochet. Here's the link:



So, we'll see how it goes! What new thing are you going to learn this year? Do you have a particular craft you've always wanted to try? What's holding you back? What about other new things - like gardening, reading, mechanical things .... what new trick does your New Year hold? For me, I have a whole list of things I am determined to learn! Crochet is at the top of the list ... but next comes art quilting. I've tried my hand at traditional quilting (with a Karyn twist, of course) - but my next project will be much more non-traditional. More on that to come in the future! As for now, I will break out a crochet hook and have at it. I've very thankful for resources like the internet, and for a great friend here who will no doubt help a ton with some more hands-on help!! Happy learning and crafting, y'all!

Process or Product?

Well here we are, the days after Christmas. Everyone take a big ol' deep breathe in and out together! There's always a bit of a lull for me the couple days after Christmas, where all the hustle and high-gear  living has come to an abrupt stop and I feel like the middle of a sugar crash. Now don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of projects in mind to do -- but now I am going to shift the focus a little bit. I'd love to work on a quilted project for me. Does that sound horrible? Other than the very first thing I made (a table runner), I haven't sewn anything for myself. And the only reason I made that one for me was because I didn't believe it would be good enough to give to anyone else! (Just for the record, I ended up really liking it - shown here.)

What about you? When you craft and make things, do you tend to make stuff for yourself or for other people more? I promise that's not a trick question, and I won't think you're a terrible person if you make stuff for yourself. ;-) Actually, I think the answer addresses a pretty fundamental difference between the two main kind of personalities in people who make things: those that do so more for the final product, and those who make things for the process of making it. (For example, do you think "I really need curtains. I guess I'll sew something." -or do you think- "I really want to sew - what should I make? How about curtains?") I am *definitely* the latter. I don't mean to say I don't enjoy the finished item - I do -- I just mean that the most important aspect of creating anything is the actual making of it. Maybe that's why I give away so much of what I make? I don't know. But some of my personally happiest time and, more importantly, my "inner peace" times are when I'm sitting at my bench, my work station, my sewing machine, etc., and my fingers are flying as I bring an idea to life. I love the experimenting and piecing and adjusting and problem solving and learning ... and then once it's complete, it's not as interesting to me. It's as if now it is a static object and the energy of its life has stagnated. Maybe that's why metal has been my favorite medium - it never comes to a point where the creative potential is maxed out. I can take a gold shield created in antiquity and alter the design by soldering additional elements to it. I can take an earring made 100 years ago and melt it completely down to make a computer element. Think of all the rubble from the 9/11 disaster -- at first the steel was put together to make skyscrapers. Once an act of terrorism destroyed those towers, the steel lay in twisted heaps on the ground. But they've taken much of that steel and repurposed it into memorials and other uses. Its life never ends! Metal is one of the most fluid and interesting media on this planet! For contrast, think of ceramic. As long as it remains unfired, you can always add water and it will return to a workable mud again. But once it has been fired, the life has been removed from that piece of clay. It is no longer moldable - it is now forever set. How boring! The best you can do is shatter it and grind it down. Man, what a parallel to life, huh? I prefer to be metal - strong & useful, but forever able to be shaped by a Master .... as opposed to a fired piece of clay, unchangeable and single-focused. As long as we remain "unfired" in life, we can be molded and shaped into an ever-improving form. If we remain in the Potter's hands, then we have hope! But once a piece is fired, it's no longer in the Potter's hands ... it sits on the shelf waiting for its determined use.

So, I guess all that to say - the process of making things is what has always been my lifeline. Once I began working full-time as a goldsmith, I noticed I had quit doing many art/craft projects on my own time. But when I had to quit working due to health reasons almost 6 years ago (WOW, has it really been that long??), I noticed within a year that I had an unsettled feeling in me. I just brushed it off for a while as part of my transition, but after a while I realized what was really going on. I was not involved in creating anything. A big part of my psyche had been abandoned, left desolately void. It was not until I made a conscious effort to put my hands to work making things again that I felt peace in that way again. I guess it's never been about the finished product for me!

Crafty hands

Today was a great day .... ahhhh. :o) I love days like this. It's getting to be the end of the day and I am tired out and sore all over - because I've been active and productive all day! This day started with us heading to the health club where I did my usual workout while Danny took photos of our group BodyFlow class. I told him that I was afraid to look at his photos, afraid that it would only confirm my suspicions of what I really look while working out! This is all I could think about:

We got home and had a simple lunch and then I headed out to do yard work while Danny had the fun job of taking packages and our Christmas cards to the post office. Besides raking up a ton of leaves, one of my tasks today was to cut off the suckers that were growing straight up out of our Japanese plum trees. As I was trimming them and throwing them all in a pile, they made me think of the wrapped grapevine wreaths that make such beautiful decorations, and how these small branches would be perfect for that. So, with my ADD in high gear, I took a break from yard work and just started wrapping branches in the driveway! While I was twisting them, two Indian women walked by and smiled and seemed to be admiring what I was doing. I held up the wreath to show them, and they said a few sentences to me in Punjabi. I am hoping they were complimenting me - but it's also quite likely that they were just laughing at a silly white girl trying to make art out of lawn clippings. ;-) But, soon I had two wreaths all twisted up!

The smaller one is probably 18" and the larger one is about 24" across. They are now drying in the garage - I can't wait to decorate them! When I showed Danny what I'd made while I supposed to be doing yard work, after complimenting them he said, "But, who does that?!" ;-) My mind just works that way, I guess! I am always happy when my hands are making things, and it never really matters what I'm making. I'm just happy to be being crafty! That's one of the things I like the most about the pre-Christmas season; that's usually when I have the most projects in the works. And, speaking of which, time for me to get off the computer and back to work in Santa's workshop here. Goodnight all!

Rewind #33: Getting Back In The Saddle (again)

Original air date: 21Jan2010

No big news. No big revelations. Just enjoying getting back in the swing of things - albeit slower than I might prefer - but I’m thankful for the recovery I am being given from my surgery. I am now 5½ weeks post-op, and doing well. Of COURSE I’d prefer to be spending more time away from the couch, but hey - I won’t complain. (Too loudly.) 

Sometimes it’s the occasions when we’re forced to slow down that we take the time to look around how notice how blessed we really are. I am so grateful for my husband who has nursed me tirelessly day and night, both in the last month and too frequently for the last six years. I can’t believe we just celebrated our 6th anniversary!! In some respects it seems like just a few months, but on the other hand, anything else feels like a dream of another life. 

I could also talk of the blessings that have overflowed on friends and family recently -- one declared cancer-free after a 2-year fight, one had too close of a call with cancer but received normal results, another is enjoying healing unprecedented for 9 years ... not to mention some of the  more personal spiritual growth in people I know ... and myself. The more I experience in life, the more I am convinced that blessings are everywhere for us to recognize and claim, not something we sit back and wait for. And, more often than not, the biggest blessings come in packages that can be very uncomfortable to open.

But I said this wouldn’t be about big revelations. :) Soon I will tell the tales of the new adventures I’m having with learning a new trick or two, and what it looks like this spring and summer will have in store for us. Until then, we’ll just sway to the rhythm of love and thank God for every new day we’re given. ♥

Rewind #23: More than Half Full

Original air date: 18Apr2010

Someday girl this ol’ world will try to beat you up,
Well let ‘em bring it on, cuz every time we touch
Life is good, the grass is green,
The good Lord’s smilin’ on you and me
.... Sweet sunshine everywhere I look
You love me like no one could -
Life is good!

Well, that just about sums it up! This blog entry was brought to you by Kenny Chesney. The End.

Just kidding - I know you want WAY more information than that - otherwise why would you be reading this?? (I say that like I even have a clue who’s reading this!) :-P Anyway, as usual, things have been busy and chaotic around here - but such is life!! Danny had surgery on his shoulder day before yesterday, and he’s doing pretty well. So far he’s only woken up in a lot of pain once, and that was because we both slept about 2 hours past his next pain pill dose. Once that had kicked in he was doing alright again - and as long as he’s cozied in to his little spot on the couch, he says he really doesn’t feel much pain. I am very thankful that they were able to repair everything going on in his shoulder without having to go into his rotator cuff - once they have to repair that, the recovery becomes considerably longer and more intensive. As it is, he should be back to himself within a few months - yay! I just can’t wait for him to be in less pain.

So what’s been going on with my health saga lately? Well, there’s news on many fronts. I *finally* got to go in for my appt with my new GYN at UCDavis - I had a lot of anxiety and eagerness about the appt. The clinic sent me a bunch of paperwork to fill out ahead of time and bring with me - but as I started going through the papers, I got reeeeeally nervous. It was ALL related to fertility!!! In fact, I found out the the clinic was called the FERTILITY clinic!! Yikes! I got very nervous and vowed not to take a single medicine or treatment or even drink from their water fountain until I knew well and good what it was for. I started to doubt that I was really being send to the correct clinic, so I called in. I told the lady that answered the phone that I wanted to check to make sure I was going to the right place - saying that I was ONLY coming in to be treated for Endometriosis, and it was NOT related to fertility, not now not ever. She said “oh yes, he treats that, come on in - you’re in the right place.” Okaaaaay. (I was still hesitant.) I was a little nervous in the waiting room, surrounded by all the pregnant people (evidently they are a successful clinic.) I mean, I know they know what causes that “condition” in women now, but just in *case* they’ve missed a contagious factor, I made sure to stay sitting over by myself. ;-) So Danny and I went in to the appt, and it took a little while to get to the bottom line, but within about 20 minutes we figured out with the doctor’s help that we were in the wrong place. He said that yes, he treats Endo, but only inasmuch as it relates to resolving it in order to get pregnant. (Needless to say, the word “hysterectomy” is considered a VERY bad word there.) I became very disheartened and frustrated. It had taken me quite a while to get to that appt, and now I was having to start over with the referral and appt-making process. :( He referred me on to the Chronic Pelvic Pain Clinic (CPPC) for treatment - but two weeks later when the secretary finally called me, they said that there were no appts available until after June, so they could schedule me the first week of June for the resident’s clinic in the same place. I tried to explain to them that I am a complicated case - they have four diseases they have to take into consideration for my treatment (not exactly a straightforward, textbook case,) but they assured me the residents are overseen by the same attending physicians as in the CPPC. So, just to feel like I am making progress, I made an appt for the 8th of May, I think. Somewhere in there. 

On another front, I am taking a few steps forward on getting my cough figured out. The last news I had given on here (I think) was that they had gotten the results of my chest CT scan, where they saw “a certain kind of inflammation indicative of MAC disease.” So they sent me to a specialist in MAC, who I saw last week. They showed me my CT scan (that kind of stuff I just find *fascinating*!) and showed me the places that were not normal, and what was of concern to them. They would like to redo my bronchoscopy (my last one was last summer,) so we have scheduled that for April 29th, I believe. (Sometimes these appts all run together!) Also, on the 27th I go into my Dermatologist for a follow-up on my LS. It’s improved, but not gone away. :( 

And still in yet *other* health news, my body seems to be getting back on track since my Lupron shot last October. Things are returning to a normal schedule - but unfortunately that means that my monthly hand flares have also returned. This month I am having my first flare since October, and it seems to be making up for lost time! The hand spots have become full target lesions, many with tight blisters in the middle, making using my hands very difficult and painful. Hopefully that subsides soon. The good news is that it hasn’t shown up in my mouth yet though.

So -- other than all of the health news (which has been changing daily around here,) I have to say that life is going really well. The sun is shining, spring looks to be finally springing - with a beautiful cluster of yellow roses blooming out front! I have two big yellow rose bushes out front (and two more out back) that just go crazy this time of year. They’re so pretty! I finally got some flowers planted in the pots out in the entry way, which always brightens things up. Plus, I am in love with my husband more than I have ever been, he is in love with me, and we are optimistic about our future. I think this is going to be a *great* year - full of surgeries and health advancements, but I think that by this time next year both Danny and me will be in a better physical state. Plus we are both getting really excited about the travel plans we have! Yippee! *This* is what life is about! I have better relationships with my family, my friends, my church family than I have ever had. I have gotten thru a point in life where I have figured out the difference between a true friend and a fair-weather friend, and I have really come to appreciate the friendship of a true friend - and learned not to waste my time and energy with the other kind - and more importantly, it teaches me what kind of friend I always need to strive to be. With the Lord’s help, I will be the kind of friend that I desire to have. So, it’s not a matter of not having struggles or things to overcome in life, it’s always remaining grateful for all of the overflowing blessings in our lives. Do we focus on the things that we are struggling with, or do we insist on looking at them only in the proper perspective in relation to all of the overwhelming good? I can’t say I am able to pull this off *every* day of my life, but by and large I have to say that I try to make the choice to count my blessings, be thankful for the lessons I learn during my trials, and thank the Lord that He’s always with me no matter what I’m going through, and I trust His promise that He will never give me more than I can handle. Life is good.

Life is good, the grass is green,
The good Lord’s smilin’ on you and me ....
Life is good!

Rewind #21: Life, and Stuff

Original air date: 29Mar2010

Well good morning! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s unfortunate because there’s been all kinds of things going on that I would have liked to have written about - but life has just been too busy to allow for blogging. (Somewhere in the middle would be nice!) Our most recent adventure was a couple days spent at a little bed & breakfast on the coast up near Ft Bragg, CA (that’s where the flower pics came from - the garden out front of the house at the B&B.) It was a really nice getaway ... right up until the moment I got knocked underwater by a rogue wave -- with my iPhone in my pocket. :( Needless to say, please don’t be sending me any texts anytime soon - I won’t be getting them. So *anyway* - on to cheerier topics! I am thankful and excited to be able to report that I have been feeling much better recently! My worst round of bronchitis ever has finally receded and I back to nearly business as usual. (I wish my poor hubby could kick his cough once and for all though.) I actually went three weeks without any pelvic pain last month -- which is *quite* the record for me in the last many many months (like a year or better.) It’s come back now - in fact, that’s the reason I’m writing this at such a wee hour, I was up and saw every hour on the hour last night, tossing and turning due to a symphony being played by GI cramping, “girl” cramping, and my hips aching. Since I was just laying there staring at the ceiling since about 4:30am, and I had already had a good long conversation with God (those quiet hours of the night are sure great for that,) I figured I may as well get up and get a cup of coffee in me before I meet my friend LaDona here in about 15 minutes to (re-)start our morning walking again. Ahhh, wouldn’t it be nice if Jack had to be at work at 10 -- then we wouldn’t have to go out so early! ;)

So while Danny and I were enjoying the beautiful scenery of the drive and the great company we had (at least that *I* had,) we were having our usual deep conversations about life. One of my favorite things about our relationship is how much sharing and talking and dreaming and analyzing and solving all of the world’s problems that we do. In fact, our whole dating experience is defined by the hours and hours and houuuuurs we spent talking! During the drive yesterday I asked myself a very interesting question, something I had never considered before. It’s one of those questions that really is hypothetical, since my answer one way or the other would change nothing, it’s just interesting to think about. Here’s the question: Do I think I got a “fair trade” for my life, from the life that I had planned on and worked towards and was in the process of living (basically, everything I considered “normal” back then - working as a goldsmith, being very physically active, really being quite healthy,) to what now defines my life? Would I say it was a “fair trade,” that I got the “short end of the stick,” or that I got “the better end of the deal?”  I considered the ‘cons’ of my life - the constantly being sick, seeing umpteen doctors regularly and taking umpteen medications daily, all the things I can’t do or end up having to cancel, being hospitalized 5 times in 5 years and facing all the new unknowns about the most recent additions to the disease repertoire ... with the pros of my life, first of all that I get to spend virtually all of my time with my best friend, we are able to focus our time and energy (what I do have) to first and foremost our work in the kingdom. I had to think about the answer a lot less than I thought I would have to. The simple answer is, although there are many very difficult aspects of my life, I really wouldn’t change a thing. I love my life and consider myself really having the better end of the deal. Although I never would have picked this course for my life, I am thankful for what God is doing in my life and the ways that He is shaping me. I have learned things and grown in ways I never could have during my “old life.” I know that my ways are not God’s ways, and that His plan is always better than I could imagine. Of course it doesn’t take me agreeing with Him to make that true, but embracing His plan with an open and moldable heart sure makes a difference in the quality of my life! So thinking about all of this actually led to me thanking God for my illnesses and my conditions this morning, because without them I would not be where I am at now. So many people look back and have regrets about their lives, but that is just somewhere my heart doesn’t go. I know that every terrible decision I made and every way that I jumbled up my life has been rolled together with every *right* decision I made and every way that I have grown to make me the person I am today. If I went back and changed any of that, I would change where I am at now - and that is nothing I am willing to consider. I can honestly say that I have never been truly happier ever before. I might have been more playful or joyful or giggly at times, but I have never had the true spiritual peace, comfort and contentment that I have now. As the apostle Paul said, “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am ... I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Phil 4:11-13

Anyway, it has been such a while since I updated this, so I just wanted to jump on here and say hello. Hope you all are doing well! God bless. ♡

Rewind #19: Living with Urgency

Original air date: 20Feb2010

... and no, I’m not talking about the bladder-kind of urgency. ;-)

This blog has been a place for me to mull over some of the struggles and trials I have been facing lately due to my health issues, and it has been a very beneficial outlet for me. I also think that this would be an appropriate forum for me to talk about some of the unique blessings that have come from those very same struggles.

First of all, let me start by saying I don’t think I’m dying. Don’t be alarmed by the song ... but I *do* think it’s an important analogy. I may not necessarily live each day “like I was dying,” but my mindset does adapt to appreciate the fact that I have no guarantee how healthy I will be in the future. Recently this line of thinking was sparked by reading one of my newest friend’s blog, and she wrote an entry about “Always Being Prepared.” It really hit the nail on the head as she talked about how having a disease like BD [she’s in the process of being diagnosed, which unfortunately is not a quick process,] can really change your perception of control. In a regular ol’ life, we have the illusion of control in just about every aspect of life. This was especially magnified before I was a Christian - before I understood just how truly fleeting life is. In our society, it is so easy to develop an “invincible” attitude ... which is especially contagious among the young, the healthy, and the financially stable. We tend to take for granted that because the average life span in the US is 78 (as of 2007,) that means we are guaranteed those 78 years. When people in their 40’s have emotional issues, what do we call it? A “mid-life crisis.” Well who says that 45 is your half-way point?? Isn’t that awfully presumptuous? We act like if only we eat salad often enough and are at least moderately physically active, then we are in control of our bodies and our health. And we can’t forget the illusion of having enough equity in your home, diversified stocks, and so-many months income put back in savings means we cannot be financially devastated. Well, I hate to say it but there is a poor joke saying that my high school wasn’t going to be able to have a 10-year reunion because there weren’t going to be enough people left to attend it, since tragedy after tragedy has claimed the lives of countless people I graduated with ... I am just one example of someone just cruisin’ along, fine and pretty healthy, and then out of the blue a disease comes along that turns my life upside-down ... and ask victims of things like Hurricane Katrina or the recent economy dive how secure their financial lives really were. The point is, nothing is really secure and anything & everything can be swept away in a moment’s notice. We can all intellectually acknowledge that, but I believe that it’s not until YOU get a personal taste of it in your life that it truly changes you forever. Survivors of cancer know what it’s like to have no guarantee of tomorrow and be forced to make peace with their mortality. Even with just a condition like mine, I acknowledge that I may never be healthier than I am today for the rest of my life. I have no guarantee of remission or of a treatment that is successful at managing things. So what do I do with that? I can either get depressed, which is certainly a temptation, or I can use that outlook to truly seize every moment in life as if it will never happen twice. It’s not necessarily about living impulsively ... I am not advocating a “do anything, regardless of the consequences” mindset, but I *am* advocating an outlook that says: If you ever have the opportunity to do something you’ve always wanted to do, TAKE IT, because that chance may never happen again. That is why I chose this picture of my mom (on the left) -- I absolutely love this picture! It might be one of my favorite pictures I’ve ever had of my mom! She has had health struggle after struggle (that make mine look like I’m dealing with the common cold,) yet she and my dad seized the opportunity to spend a month in Brazil with some new friends recently. They had SUCH a great time and made memories that I know will last the rest of their lives! They knew that the stress and demands of such an ambitious trip would most likely take a toll on her, but they also knew that another opportunity to go on a trip like this might never happen again. How great!! I thank God that they were able to take that trip and had so much fun while there. ((Maybe sometime we can go down there with them!))

Another benefit of “living like you are dying” is help prioritizing your life. We’ve probably all played the “What if?” game and asked ourselves, If I had one year left to live ... or 6 months ... or one month ... or 24 hours ... left to live, how would I spend that time? How would I change my life? One of the biggest ways that this has affected me has been in what I say and what I leave unsaid. I am trying not to assume that my family and friends know how I feel about them - I would rather say something to them from my heart that they already know than take the risk that it had never been said. I still have a long ways to go on this, but I am trying to get better and better about this. 

But to me, the ultimate benefit of all of these struggles and trials and wins and losses associated with my health has been twofold: (1) I know that I have grown spiritually in ways and amounts that I could NEVER have done without facing these things. I have chosen to allow this to draw me closer to the Lord, and He will always reward that. I do not believe that because I have chosen to put my faith and trust in the Lord means that I will get out of trials (in fact, we are promised the opposite ...), but I believe that means God will help me during anything I have to face. What’s the saying? --loving God doesn’t get me out of struggles, but it gets me through them. And (2) I believe that having faced these things in my life has better equipped me to be able to relate to and help others that are struggling, and to help share with them the love of Christ. Have you ever been really down and had someone try to encourage you that you knew had never ever experienced anything close to what you were going through? You appreciate their love and effort, but when push really comes to shove, we want to talk with someone that has tasted our struggle ... and hopefully come through on the other side with shining colors. I am striving to be that person, that can say “I’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death/pain/heartache and tears, and the Lord has made me to lay down beside cool waters in my soul, and with God as my shepherd I shall not want ...... and He will do the same for you.”

Rewind #18: Right on the Money

Original air date: 18Feb2010

"She’s bulls-eye perfect, she’s right on the money ..." (Alan Jackson)

I dedicate this song to ....... me.

Now, before you become all appalled at my narcissism, give me a minute to explain. 

It’s sometimes a temptation to think that something is wrong with us if we don’t live up to some standard of perfection that is generally adopted by our society - but never ever reached. *No* one “has it all” - not even the people we put up on a pedestal for those measures of success. Sure, we look at the magazine rack and see all of those perfectly-sculpted human figures, and suddenly we feel crappy about ourselves. (Marketers of course like it that way, because then we’ll buy the “look better” product that model is selling that you know she has never once used.) But you know what? I have a simple fix for that entire epidemic of low self-esteem in America. One company came *close* to a fix, but weren’t quite thorough enough. I believe that in the 7th grade EVERY child should have their portrait taken by a professional photographer and then be given a 2-day course in Adobe Photoshop. With entry-level proficiency at the most basic Photoshop techniques, I think every child should be given the raw picture file that was taken, and within 3 hours they will be able to transform that picture into something that looks remarkably like the cover of that magazine. One of the most self-esteem boosting moves I ever did was learn Photoshop. Guess what? I really CAN have perfect skin!! I really can have a longer neck, less there, more there, and perfectly white teeth. I think this exercise should be repeated about every 10 years throughout our lives, just to remind ourselves how much of the standard of perfection in America is nothing but smoke and mirrors.  But I have digressed.

In my particular case, it could be easy (and at times it *has* been easy) to think of my health issues and determine that something about me is broken, wrong, or less than perfect. It might be tempting to think that God made a mistake on me, or forgot about me altogether. But on the way home today I was listening to this song by Alan Jackson and was reminded of one simple truth: I am exactly how God made me at this moment. As a friend once reminded me, God was not surprised when biopsy or blood test results came back. God always knew this would happen to me -- and the fact that it IS happening is proof that this is all part of God’s will. 

Now I am not as bold as some who presume to know the mind of God, and so I cannot say that “God gave me” these conditions. But I can say they are in His will, since they are happening. I think of Job, who Satan inflicted with terrible hardships to test his faithfulness to the Lord. God did not directly give Job those trials, but He allowed them to happen because they served a bigger purpose. My faith says that on some level, that is what God is doing with me. God has created me exactly the way He wanted me to be. God has allowed everything that has come into my life, and I know He is powerful enough to use it ALL to work together for good for those that love Him .... and I love Him.

Rewind #13: The Conversation EVERY Married Couple Should Have

Original air date: 10Feb2010

I’m really trying not to make this blog a moment-by-moment account of my life ... I guess that’s a lot of the difference between Facebook and a blog - I’ve determined that this blog would be for more of my “deeper thoughts” and more in-depth discussions (even if they are just one-way!) But something happened this evening with my hubby that I really want to pass along - and really, something I’d recommend every married couple should do.

It all started with a conversation about speakers. It morphed into a conversation about ways that we have permanently changed each other, where even after the other spouse is gone, the effect would remain. I am going to keep as a special treasure in my heart the different ways that Danny said I have impacted him (and vice versa,) but all I can do is recommend that all spouses take the time to tell each other the things we usually don’t. Too often we tend to take for granted that our spouse just *knows* that they are our best friend, or that we are proud of them, or that we respect them, or that they make us happy or we appreciate the work they do ... and on & on & on!! That’s one of the big things I’m learning from the “Love & Respect” book we are reading - that we need to actually say those words to each other! Women: when was the last time you told your husband that you were proud of him? That you respected how hard he worked and all the sacrifices he’s made for the family? When do we think to actually say those words? Don’t we take for granted that he knows it? I hope the guys will think about how often he has told his wife that he loves her & enjoys spending time with her, that he thinks she is the prettiest girl in town, and he appreciates how hard she works, and that he loves how she is raising the kids... stuff like that. Whatever our day-to-day life is, that is typically the stuff we overlook showing appreciation for. I always want my husband to be convinced without a doubt that he is the most amazing man on the planet to me - and I know I have a long ways to go in expressing enough of my feelings about that. He needs to know that in an entire room full of men, he would be the ONLY man to stand out of the crowd to me. He has forever changed my life, and I hope I am thoughtful enough to tell him that! You know what’s weird??? I have even thought about what I would say at his --funeral--, yet I don’t think I’ve ever told HIM. I resolve to tell him soon. 

Again, just food for thought.

Rewind #11: Things That Make Me HAPPY

Original air date: 6Feb2010

You might consider this a continuation of the entry: Some of the good things!, or you just think of it as a Happy List. My life is filled with some absolutely AMAZING things, and there are opportunities to be filled with joy & happiness at every turn ... so I wanted to share a few of them with you! I once read about a woman that kept a “happy box” ... it was filled with all kinds of little things that made her happy. It might be dried flowers from a special event, a meaningful card from a friend, a hilarious comic she ran across ... anything that would make her smile if she looked at it while feeling a little blue. Think of this blog entry as my happy box! (And since I covered all the deeper spiritual stuff before, this is just the kind of stuff that can make me smile during the day.) :)

First, a good song. There are SO many songs that are just GREAT to sing along to in the car. Sun shining, my windows down and sunroof open, my radio up & singing at the top of my lungs, complete with funny looks by the people in the car next to me at the red light. But that’s alright ... I’ve seen that look before, and I’ll see it again. Here are some songs that are absolutely impossible to sing along to and stay in a blue mood:

“Loco” by David Lee Murphy. Now just TRY to
say you can sing along to that with the windows down
and the sun shining and NOT be instantly in a
better mood!!

Fun fonts. I *really* hope these are showing up
on your computer too ... because few things about
working on a computer are more fun for me that cool fonts. Believe me, Danny hates it when he has to get on my computer for something ... he thinks I make “everything all weird.” :)

I like calla lilies, daisies, and anything other flower brave enough to
bloom in my yard. I love horseback riding and I love birds. I have had
several little hand-fed cockatiels and really enjoyed them! Unfortunately,
they aren’t the cleanest of pets. :( Other happy things are: the color red,
artsing, craftsing, and creating anything with my hands; cross stitching,
learning new things - like sewing, which is the most recent thing to be
added to my repertoire. And yes, I like spell check, which enables me to use words like "repertoire."

You don’t have to know me very long to know that one of the things I
enjoy the most about life is a good excuse for a gut-busting laugh. I
can’t think of many things in life that aren’t made better by some humor &
learning to take myself a little less seriously. Got a great joke? Share it with me! Know a
funny quote? I like to collect those too. This is one of the reasons I enjoy comedy movies so much (plus the fact that they are a GREAT excuse to cuddle with Danny on the couch.) Danny & I tease each other that we talk in movie lines more than we talk in actual invented conversation. You’ll hear us often quoting from shows like 24, Dumb & Dumber, Kung Fu Panda,  House, Honeymooners ...... well shoot, we quote just about anything we can remember!! There’s also another habit we have when we watch movies that is hilarious to us and I’m sure annoying as can be to anyone sitting with us: we LOVE to talk, criticize, guess, advise and jab our way through the shows! Danny says it’s like Mystery Science Theatre ... but since I’ve never seen it, I can’t confirm or deny that. ;-) We watch movies so much and so many times that we say that the next thing we’re going to do is start watching the shows on mute and we’ll make up our own dialogue. 

My life is filled with ALL KINDS of good things ... all I’ve done here is scratch the surface of things I enjoy. I hope to continue to post things I like and bring a little joy to this blog. Right now I am surrounded by a few of my favorite things in my life: my husband (who is my best friend) is sitting right next to me -- (even if he is asleep, making cute little partial conversation-sounding noises;) a semi-warm cup of really sweet coffee and a homemade dark chocolate thingy that my mom made on the end table next to the couch, and of course, the world of my friends sharing their lives with me through the wonders of things like Facebook ... as I wind down from a day of worshipping the Lord and spending time with my church family - with the bonus of knowing that my Mom & Dad will be in town soon and I’ll get to spend time with them and my sister this week. What a night! It is easy for me to see that I am blessed and my cup overflows.

Hope you guys are having a most fabulous day!!