Process or Product?

Well here we are, the days after Christmas. Everyone take a big ol' deep breathe in and out together! There's always a bit of a lull for me the couple days after Christmas, where all the hustle and high-gear  living has come to an abrupt stop and I feel like the middle of a sugar crash. Now don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of projects in mind to do -- but now I am going to shift the focus a little bit. I'd love to work on a quilted project for me. Does that sound horrible? Other than the very first thing I made (a table runner), I haven't sewn anything for myself. And the only reason I made that one for me was because I didn't believe it would be good enough to give to anyone else! (Just for the record, I ended up really liking it - shown here.)

What about you? When you craft and make things, do you tend to make stuff for yourself or for other people more? I promise that's not a trick question, and I won't think you're a terrible person if you make stuff for yourself. ;-) Actually, I think the answer addresses a pretty fundamental difference between the two main kind of personalities in people who make things: those that do so more for the final product, and those who make things for the process of making it. (For example, do you think "I really need curtains. I guess I'll sew something." -or do you think- "I really want to sew - what should I make? How about curtains?") I am *definitely* the latter. I don't mean to say I don't enjoy the finished item - I do -- I just mean that the most important aspect of creating anything is the actual making of it. Maybe that's why I give away so much of what I make? I don't know. But some of my personally happiest time and, more importantly, my "inner peace" times are when I'm sitting at my bench, my work station, my sewing machine, etc., and my fingers are flying as I bring an idea to life. I love the experimenting and piecing and adjusting and problem solving and learning ... and then once it's complete, it's not as interesting to me. It's as if now it is a static object and the energy of its life has stagnated. Maybe that's why metal has been my favorite medium - it never comes to a point where the creative potential is maxed out. I can take a gold shield created in antiquity and alter the design by soldering additional elements to it. I can take an earring made 100 years ago and melt it completely down to make a computer element. Think of all the rubble from the 9/11 disaster -- at first the steel was put together to make skyscrapers. Once an act of terrorism destroyed those towers, the steel lay in twisted heaps on the ground. But they've taken much of that steel and repurposed it into memorials and other uses. Its life never ends! Metal is one of the most fluid and interesting media on this planet! For contrast, think of ceramic. As long as it remains unfired, you can always add water and it will return to a workable mud again. But once it has been fired, the life has been removed from that piece of clay. It is no longer moldable - it is now forever set. How boring! The best you can do is shatter it and grind it down. Man, what a parallel to life, huh? I prefer to be metal - strong & useful, but forever able to be shaped by a Master .... as opposed to a fired piece of clay, unchangeable and single-focused. As long as we remain "unfired" in life, we can be molded and shaped into an ever-improving form. If we remain in the Potter's hands, then we have hope! But once a piece is fired, it's no longer in the Potter's hands ... it sits on the shelf waiting for its determined use.

So, I guess all that to say - the process of making things is what has always been my lifeline. Once I began working full-time as a goldsmith, I noticed I had quit doing many art/craft projects on my own time. But when I had to quit working due to health reasons almost 6 years ago (WOW, has it really been that long??), I noticed within a year that I had an unsettled feeling in me. I just brushed it off for a while as part of my transition, but after a while I realized what was really going on. I was not involved in creating anything. A big part of my psyche had been abandoned, left desolately void. It was not until I made a conscious effort to put my hands to work making things again that I felt peace in that way again. I guess it's never been about the finished product for me!

Rewind #10: We (I) Want What We Can't Have

Original air date: 4Feb2010

I know this is MY blog and all, but I’m gonna have to tell someone else’s story. (And I haven’t even gotten their permission yet. Oops!) Let’s just say there was a certain young man applying for the Air Force. He had been working with the recruiter for a while, and he finally got to filling out some application paperwork. All was going fine ... work history and stuff like that ... when he came to the question about prior “run-ins” with the law ... this included any misdemeanors or even just traffic tickets. Thankfully there are no charges on his record, but there were speeding tickets. LOTS of speeding tickets. Danny -- er, I mean, ‘the young man whose name I will not mention’ -- used up all the room on the front of the form and continued writing on the back of the page. And then some. (I mean, there were a LOT of tickets. He explains that he was raised during the “Dukes of Hazard” days.) So what was the recruiter’s response to Danny’s “record?” He said that the Air Force might not accept him ... they were going to have to seriously consider this application. So how did Danny feel about the recruiter saying he might not be accepted? Danny said that he never wanted into the Air Force *more* than at that moment. Why? Because someone was telling him that he might not be allowed in. It was no longer just Danny’s choice -- they had to want *him* now too.

But I’m not here just to rat on Danny. Aren’t we all like that? I know that it SURE explains me at times. It’s a simple equation: we want what we can’t have. Think about it: why is there such mystique and intrigue about places like “the Forbidden City,” a “forbidden love” or just “forbidden fruit” ... or simply whatever a parent has told their teenager “no” to. Suddenly that extra piercing or funky haircut or that one boy they didn’t even really like that much becomes almost an obsession, and the teen HAS to have it. Where it gets complicated is like in Danny’s situation above -- when part of us wants something, but then we hit that “you can’t have it” wall, and then we REALLY want it -- sometimes it can be hard to distinguish how much is the true desire, and how much is simply the teenager in us that says, “You can’t tell ME no!”

What about me? Surely I don’t think I’m an exception to the rules of human nature. How much of what I am sad that I don’t have/will never have/will never do is simply because a force outside of my control is telling me no?? Do I miss certain things because I TRULY wanted them, or just because I can’t have them?? I think about my career. Do I miss prying myself out of bed when the alarm clock is RUDELY jolting me out of a peaceful sleep and dragging my tired behind to work? There is no doubt about it - I really did LOVE working as a goldsmith. From the first time I ever worked in metal, I absolutely fell in love with that medium, plus the challenges of problem solving that are packed a million per square millimeter into making any piece of jewelry. So I know that the fact that I am sad over not working as a goldsmith anymore IS driven by the love I had for it ... but is there also just the piece of having it taken away? I look at my life now, and even WITH all of the health crap that I go through (and therefore that Danny goes through,) I have a life inexplicably blessed at every turn. My husband retired from the Air Force, and because I can’t work anymore, that means I am home all the time with him. I never DREAMED that I would be able to spend this kind of time with my best friend every day!! Shoot, I’d spend time in the hospital every month for that trade-off! But still ... there’s that lingering pain for the career that will never be ... as well as all those “other” things that has changed recently. I am coming to accept the fact that I will likely have a complete hysterectomy as a treatment for my Endo. The phrase comes to mind: “Hey, it’s not like I was using those organs anyway!” I’ve often said that I wish the human body was like buying a car - you could add the options you wanted and not get the ones you didn’t. For example, a woman that plans on having kids could add the Reproductive Package ... complete with hormones, mood swings, “THAT” time of the month -- oh ya, and the ability to bear children. But a woman that didn’t plan on all that could order more of a “base model” and not have to deal with all that. Well, I guess it’s looking like even though I was made “fully loaded,” I’m gonna be converted to a base model. But if I wasn’t planning on “using those options,” then it shouldn’t be a big deal -- right??? How much of the loss I feel is a genuine desire, or simply the result of knowing that I can’t have it any other way??

Rewind#3: While I am Waiting

Original air date: 26Jan10

(Blogger’s note: don’t worry, dear reader - not all the posts on this little blog will be this long!  But when I’m trying to explain probably the second most profound revelation to my heart and soul in my adult life, it’s not going to be a quick note. So grab a cup of coffee, get in a comfy chair, and read on!)

Recently, I have been humbled. I have been brought to my spiritual knees and things became clear in my heart that have been struggling to find the surface for YEARS. This revelation has only been rivaled by my initial conviction to turn my life to Christ - almost 7 years ago! But I certainly don’t credit myself for this big breakthrough. I know in my heart of hearts that the Lord has been working diligently on me -- He has been using the people in my life to talk to me, He has used years of frustration and a general feeling of being lost & spinning hopelessly to get my attention, and He has used pain, sorrow and heartache to bring my heart to a point where I would truly listen to Him with my whole soul. I have known that God is bigger than any situation in my life, and that He is powerful enough to use all of these things together for what is good. This requires a “big picture” point of view! It is WAY too human and easy for us to only be able to see a day behind and a day in front of us. All we can see is the hurt we feel RIGHT NOW. We don’t see the blessings that come from what I will learn and grow in and mature by going through this. We just feel our pillow, wet with tears. We feel our fingernails digging into our own skin, the sinking of despair in our hearts. It takes the faith of a saint at THAT moment to know that God will use THAT moment for what is good. The Holy Spirit tells us: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to {His} purpose.” (Rom 8:28) - and now my soul is accepting that, beyond just my intellect believing it.

So what WAS this big breakthrough? What was powerful enough to shake the very core of all my thought processes and up-end and re-align my emotions? The shortest way I can explain it is by saying it’s putting my faith where my head is. I have always thought when I should have trusted. I worried when I should have trusted. I made my own plans, blazed my own trail, and then later asked God to bless me along the way. We all say the words and quasi-intellectually know that we can’t control the circumstances of our lives .... but then when our lives are changed by things outside of our control, we are TOTALLY lost and confused and mad!! Or, at least that described me. I have been living my life working towards the goals that I have set for myself - which, in and of themselves were not sinful goals or anything wrong - I had graduated from college with a degree in Metal, I had been working as a goldsmith, which was a job I just loved! I LOVED taking raw metal and having a vision of what it could become, and through the process of many cuts, burns, and laser welds on my skin, that hunk of metal would eventually turn into a beautiful piece of jewelry. Call me crazy, but I love the callouses on my hands and the permanent black fingernails from the polishing compound (although I quickly learned that people who make their own meth have hands that look the same, and therefore I was hit up for drugs more than once.) But at the ripe ol’ age of 25, my world was changed when Behcet’s Disease (BD) began manifesting in my body. Two years later I took some time off work to heal from a flare, (which had become my pattern by that point) -- but what I couldn’t have seen coming was that I would never go back. I would never sit at that bench again. Where I hung my torch that day is where it would remain. Whatever joints I hadn’t soldered or stones I hadn’t quite finished setting yet would never be done. Even right now as I write this, that is incredibly hard for me to say, and gets me a little teary. Right now I type this with clean hands, long nails, and a girly manicure. Not that I don’t like those things, but if I had to pick one or the other, *I* would have picked the nasty jeweler’s manicure in a heartbeat! But God had other plans for me, which are being revealed to me one painfully slow day at a time. That’s not the way I like it. (Which is weird, because I really am QUITE a spontaneous person ... in fact, too much routine will drive me nuts faster than most other things. But when it comes to my life, evidently I like to know what I’m getting into.)

So where am I going with all this? (If you know me at all, you already know that I am easily distracted by shiny objects and funny stories, so me getting off on tangents will NOT be a stranger to this blog.) :-P 

The last year of my life has been one of the most difficult years of my life. There haven’t been any big new developments (well, other than the addition of a new disease. I guess that counts as “major,") yet my mind has been in a constant struggle to accept my “new life.” I have heard that we can never go back to our old normal, but must create a “new normal.” That is especially difficult if you didn’t have anything against your old normal! My faith is strong and by far the most important thing in my life, so why was I so devastated about the changes in my life?? I have always considered myself an optimist, so it was really bothering me how negative the majority of my thoughts were. I had always wanted to be the kind of person that took everything in stride ... the kind of person who, when their left arm was cut off in some tragic farm equipment accident, could simply smile and say, “My wedding ring fit better on my other hand anyway,” and never think another thing about it. Then I’d travel the country speaking to other farm equipment victims and motivate them to be in the one-handed Olympics. But the reality was that I was having a tough time!! And I didn’t want to be having a tough time, so it made it even worse. If you had ever asked me, I would have said that what a person DOES for a living is NOT what that person IS. “A job title does not an identity make.” Yet in practice, now that I didn’t have a job title or a career, I was feeling totally lost and without an identity. So here I am, 31, without a career and without little kids runnin’ around the house ... so what did that make me? Without a career and without a family, what did I DO?? Who was I? I was struggling very much to feel intrinsic worth as a person, without making a tangible contribution to society in the work force. But I have never looked at anyone I’ve known that does not work (or is not raising a family) as if they were any less of a person because of it, but I was overwhelmed with those feelings for myself. Quite the double standard! 

Through a lot of conversations with people, through soul-searching and prayer and asking for prayers, and just by keeping my antennae up for direction from the Lord - it all revealed amazing things! I think it all came to a head and gelled together while listening to a sermon by Dane Bengard in Chester a couple weeks ago. The basic point of the sermon was yielding yourself and allowing the Spirit to work in your life, and not only asking for God to guide your life but also making yourself available to be guided daily. This was revolutionary! --even though I had known that intellectually for quite a while. The book of James talks about when we make plans for our lives, we should always say, “If the Lord wills we will do this or that.” But does our heart say that too? The litmus test is how we react when our plans don’t come through. I was failing that test miserably! I was devastated, pouting, hurt, angry, and unsure of where to go or who I was. As if God had been waiting for my agenda to move forward, and if He didn’t have MY plan to go by He’d just be at a loss for what to do next. I suddenly realized that I had never lifted my plans up to the Lord and asked if it was His will that I do the things I was planning!! It all came home when I realized (not for the first time in my brain, but the first time in my heart,) that I serve a God who does NOT simply close doors and leave us scratching our heads. If God is closing a door in my life, it is because He has another door opening for me. 

I have no idea what that door is. I don’t know what’s on the other side. I have no idea what I’m going to find when I walk through it. But I know one thing is for certain - GOD is on the other side of that door, and Christ is there waiting to walk with me every step of the way. Why do I need to worry about where the path leads, when I have Christ at my side? So I am waiting. I know that my old plan is not the way God is leading me, but I don’t know yet the form of the new plan. But while I am waiting I will be hopeful, and I will be peaceful, and I will continue to worship the God of my every tomorrow.