Living with April Showers, May Flowers, and Fertilizer

Earlier today I was driving in a light rain down a road called Garden Highway. It's one of the few streets with a fitting name; it winds through beautiful stretches of orchards and agriculture. While driving through the drizzle I was enjoying looking at the gorgeous trees covered with bright pink blossoms and all the flowers peeking their heads out of winter-worn flower beds. I thought how the brightly colored blooms seemed to not fit with the darkened grey sky; their beauty deserved the rays of sunshine classic of springtime postcards and computer screen savers. While I personally enjoy rainy days and puddles and mud, I thought of how many people complain when it rains and are miserable on days like this; I always feel they are missing out on the beauty of a rainy day. However, I've yet to meet a person who doesn't like spring blooms and trees covered in blossoms and the symphony of returning songbirds chorusing in their backyard! (Not counting people with bad seasonal allergies, that is - and even they enjoy the beauty if it weren't for the sneezing.)

But then something struck me -- while we all love the days and seasons in our lives that are full of proverbial flowers and songbirds, very few of us are thankful for the storms in life that make those lovely days possible! Think about it - as soon as any kind of hard time hits us or someone we love, what is the first thing we do? If we are praying people, then we call all our friends to pray hard for this person that their affliction is lifted. "Lord, please make them healthy - restore their job - heal their marriage - remove the trouble with their kids ---- make the hard times go away." If we aren't praying people, then we send them well wishes and healing energy and loving thoughts. We all commiserate with our friends and tell them we would take this away from them if we possibly could.

But should we?

What if we prayed that there were no dreary, rainy days in spring? Where would the flowers be? Where would the harvest be?

When there are times without rain, what do we have to do? What if there's no natural nutrients or fertilizer? Well, we have to pipe in the rain artificially. We turn on the sprinklers and apply the store-bought fertilizer. And the longer we go without rain, the more we have to turn to artificial means to hope for growth. But even with these artificial means, if the rain is absent long enough - if the drought is severe enough - then eventually even our irrigation channels will run dry. (In fact, for some people it requires a drought for them to appreciate the rain.) And life is no different. When I think about it, when growth is not happening naturally -- through mentoring, for example, where the people who are more mature have taken the younger under their wings and helped them grow by investing in their lives and teaching them day by day -- then artificial means have to be employed. Bring on the self-help books - the intellectual studies about how to build character, the workbooks about how to "be the best you you can be."

I don't know about you, but when I look back on my life it is almost solely in times of trial that I have really grown - that's when I have learned anything of substance, whether it's about myself or God or others. Very, very rarely does monumental growth happen for me when life is hunky-dorey. What about you? How much do your muscles grow when they are at rest? Don't they require resistance to grow? And from what I understand, the muscles have to tear ever so slightly in order to grow stronger. Where's the strongest part of a bone? Isn't it where was once broken and has since healed? The strongest part of a piece of metal is where it was soldered or welded. Unless, of course, the welding was done poorly, or the bone healed improperly. When there is trial and we try to heal artificially, instead of becoming the strongest point, it instead becomes the weakest point.

So how do I know whether or not the hardship is precisely what is needed to strengthen me? What if all our prayers were answered and every hardship was lifted - where would that leave us?

If it weren't for the hard times and afflictions in life, the rubber would never meet the road. The gold would never be refined. And who wants gold filled with impurities? We all want to be pure gold, but we never want to be refined. Often times the best possible thing that could happen in our lives is a healthy dose of rain and fertilizer.

So my mindset is changing. Instead of praying for every hardship to be lifted and for every refiner's fire to be snuffed out, I instead am learning to pray for perseverance, for faith, and for the wisdom to recognize the lessons in the trial facing me. In other words:

And because I have a hope that extends far beyond my circumstances -- far beyond this life, I can say from my heart, "[W]e rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit..." and therefore: "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. It is good for me that I was afflicted -- in faithfulness you have afflicted me."  

Note: While I was in the process of writing this post, a friend unknowingly caught me in my own trap! I had posted in a Facebook thread about how much I dislike the wind, and this was my dear friend's comment: "[I'm] not exactly a fan of the wind either. However, I find it interesting that the wind can help scatter seed in the windy season even if I think that the wind is frustrating at times. Likewise, when I get frustrated about spreading God's word to people thinking that my breath might be wasted and no one is listening, it helps to realize that seed is being scattered in the process and He knows where it will fall." I am so grateful for friends who help put things in perspective for me! 

Losing & Finding My Way - Again (Part Two)

{Continued from "Losing & Finding My Way - Again (Part One)"}

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one {more} traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

But then something slowly changed.

And I didn't notice it changing.

I think most of us have heard the story about the poor little frog and the boiling water; if he's put in lukewarm water and then it's heated to boiling, he won't jump out and it will kill him - but if you try to plop him into water already boiling he'll jump right out and save his life. Isn't that so true in life? 

Just like I didn't realize how weary I had become when I first tasted true healing, I didn't realize just how much things had changed in the years since I'd turned my life to Jesus. Have you ever been carrying a super heavy backpack and then when you set it down, you immediately feel like you're going to float right off the ground? Isn't that the weirdest feeling?! That's as close as I can explain the feeling when you realize that Jesus has taken your load of bricks off your back - your soul floats and soars. (And if you are where I was, believe me - I understand how hokey that sounds.) 

Well, somewhere along the line I never realized that my yoke was no longer easy and my burden was no longer light. But why? It has taken me years to realize why. 

I'm not here to go into the ins and outs of everything that made me realize what I have come to realize, but I would like to share a few things. First, the most important thing I could stress right now is:

If the yoke is not easy and the burden is not light, then it is not from Jesus. 

There are many, many people who are peddling heavy burdens in the name of God that are not from God. Just like when Jesus walked the earth 2,000 years ago, there are an overwhelming number of people who have changed what God has commanded into their own religion. How could Jesus defy so many Jewish laws and yet claim to be of God, when God Himself established the Jewish religion? Because over the centuries, Jews had added their own stipulations on top of what God had given - and yet they claimed it was all a mandatory part of the faith, and they would harshly judge and condemn anyone who did not keep their religion as they had come to define it. [Sound familiar?] For example, when God told the Jews to observe the Sabbath and keep it holy, the Jews added countless laws down to how many steps could be taken on the day. Did you know they even made a law saying you could not heal someone with mud & spittle on the Sabbath?? So, when Jesus came and healed a man born blind on a Sabbath using mud & spittle, was Jesus breaking the law? Yes. And no. He was breaking the law the Jews had created, but not the law of God. 

I believe if Jesus were to walk the earth in the flesh today, He would make a lot of Christians very mad. Why? Because He would no doubt break many such laws that we have added over 20 centuries in order to show us what God had intended for us all along. Why else does the Christianity we see all around us today look almost nothing like what we read about in the pages of the New Testament? Today we see a multi-billion dollar industry called "religion"; when Jesus walked the earth, helping the orphan and the widow in their affliction was called "true religion." "Organized religion" in their day might've meant multiple followers of Christ working together to feed those orphans; today a majority of Americans say they hate organized religion (for good reason) - because of what it's come to mean in our vocabulary. The differences are endless between how we see early followers of "the Way" acting with each other and their world, and what we see today.

There is one thing I am not interested in doing:

Giving you my conclusions about what those differences are. 

I am on a journey back to the beginning. Back to when the yoke was easy. Sometimes that means taking a turn off the road most traveled and most popular, and onto a road few understand or agree with. For too long I got caught up majoring in the minors and auditing the majors. I've learned there is a monumental difference between intellectually studying about the history of Jesus, and in pursuing a living, breathing, tangible, change-the-way-you-live-your-life relationship with Jesus, by living through the power of His Spirit. Francis Chan said it well when he said that the majority of lives of believers are indistinguishable - they "make sense" - to unbelievers. In what ways am I living by faith in such a way where if God does not come through, I'm hosed?? For years I have sung - and heard crowds singing - words such as, "Living by faith in Jesus alone" .... "Though none go with me, still I will follow" .... "We place You in the highest place, above all else" ......... and frankly, many of us haven't meant it. The first thing many consider when it comes to following Jesus is how popular that move would be with the church. (And if it's not popular, well then.......). And the fact is, in my life and many others', God has been anything but "above all else."

So here's where I am with all of this now. For the first time in my life I truly understand the old cliché about "the more I know, the more I know I don't know." I'm stripping things down to a living, breathing relationship with Jesus and am pursuing knowing Him - not knowing about Him. To the best of my ability I will help anyone I can to draw close to Him as well, but not to hand them my conclusions. I will help show them what I've learned about how to pursue Him so they can get their conclusions from Him, not my feeble little mind. I believe one of the reasons that His way is described as narrow is because it really is very simple. Seek to know Him, and Him crucified. There's so much else we try to add to the path that are distractions at best, detours at worst. Let's stick to the straight and narrow, my friend, and along the way we can help to remind each other that His way is easy and His burden is light. Let's not accept any counterfeits.

Losing & Finding My Way - Again (Part One)

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

----Robert Frost

Several years ago ... nearly 10, to be exact ... I turned the direction of my life on its tail and nothing has been the same since. I had been confident in my worldview and more than a bit cocky, because I "knew" what few others seemed to grasp - and yet it was so clear to me: All we are is all we are. There is no magical supernatural being over us or in us; the only part of the Bible I agreed with was some part about coming from dust and ending in dust. Period. End of story. 

Although I had this grasp on a "truth" that seemed to escape the masses, there eventually came a point when I was forced to admit that my life was digging itself deeper into a ditch - a ditch that those masses were seemingly avoiding. What was the difference? In my early 20's I finally took to heart the old maxim, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results." I had been making decisions the same way over & over and was getting the same downward-spiraling results over & over. It was time for a change. 

But what needed to change? I wasn't sure - so everything was up for reexamination. Turns out that my entire life was put on an anvil by which I was being forged into something completely different - what I believed, how I thought, who I spent time with, what I did for a living, what I did for recreation - all of these things were up for reevaluation. This was the most important thing I ever did in my life, and I hope that I never take any piece out of the "Able To Be Re-Examined" category again.

By that point in my life I was weary. Weary of running so hard and so fast in one direction only to realize, a hundred miles down that road, that it was the wrong road. I was weary of living according to the way that every logical neuron in my brain said was right, and yet it ended in disaster time and time again. I was weary of having no hope; I was weary of thinking that the here & now was the best it would ever be. "But I am a realist," I continued to tell myself. You don't believe in something that's not true just because you want it to be true; just because it makes you all fuzzy inside. That's the 'opiate of the masses,' right? But I was ... so ... weary.

"Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me - and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Have you ever heard something that soothed a nerve deep inside your soul that had been rubbed raw? Maybe a raw nerve you didn't even realize you had? This was it for me. I don't know that I realized at the time just how weary I was, until I tasted of this salve for the first time.  Somewhere in my subconscious - that part where you know it, but you won't admit it to yourself - I had been trying to treat my own raw nerves in several ways for a long time. It was as if deep in my soul I had a bundle of raw nerves - like copper wires stripped of their protective coating - and as painful as each one was, they were outright dangerous if one bare wire touched another. So I would wrap each raw nerve in whatever I had in my tool belt (which, as an atheist, wasn't much), so I wrapped each nerve as if in an Ace bandage of alcohol, or partying, or just the constant noise and busy-ness around me so that I would never be left alone in the [sober] quiet company of my own raw nerves. But what I had come to learn was that these bandages of partying and distraction were actually just as conductive as a bare wire; although it might take a delay of a short amount of time for the electric shock to travel, the punch delivered was sometimes worse than it would've been without the delay. 

But then I started to experience a genuine salve - a true solution for my raw nerves instead of the poor & temporary fixes I'd been attempting. A single drop of hope applied to a raw nerve is more soothing than a hundred bottles of alcohol. The more I sought to learn more about this "easy yoke" and "light burden," the more that one drop of hope turned into a small, steady trickle from a faucet. Each drop peeled back a layer of my own shoddy bandaging and applied a sincere remedy - and unlike my other attempts, this one wasn't wearing off a few hours later to only reveal more corroded wire. Unless I went back in after the salve had been applied and stripped the wire raw again on my own, it stayed healed. I'd never experienced such a thing before -- and it made me crave more of it.

Little by little and day by day I realized that Jesus - yes, this same Jesus whom I had debated endlessly about and whom I had denied my entire life - was standing right in front of me, knocking persistently at my door and imploring that I let Him heal not just one or two of my raw nerves, but every single raw nerve I had. Ones I didn't even know I had. He would gladly take the bag of bricks I'd been accumulating off my back, set them down and forget them, and hand me a yoke that was truly a resting place for my soul. I was finding that Jesus was not some historical event to debate or some overlord desperate to condemn the world -- He was living and breathing and calling me, all in a way I couldn't explain. How could someone who lived 2,000 years ago be active in my life today?? Skeptical, thinking it was too good to be true, I eventually took Him up on His offer. And you know what? Every raw nerve is healing and my soul is at rest. This sure doesn't mean I don't have problems - it simply means that the fountain of hope & living water from which I now freely drink is enough to give me a contentment and a peace that goes well beyond whatever temporal problems I have -- and that, my friends, is rest for my soul.

{But then something changed. Please see Part Two}

Vignettes from a Borrowed Life

Last week I did something I've never done before ... I played "Mom" for a whole week to my three awesome nieces (ages 8, 10 & 10 ... mid-week the little one had a birthday, so it was 9, 10 & 10.) My sister had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go to Nepal for a month and trek around on a particular trail on Mount Everest, which gave me & other family members the chance to spend some time with the girls by alternating weeks.  By the end of my week with the girls I was EXHAUSTED ... and totally bummed it was over. I had so much fun and I owe so much to three special young ladies who made that time unforgettable!

Here are some of the priceless moments from the week that I hope to always remember:

• Coming to the realization - pretty early in the week - that my sister (and all others who take raising a family seriously AND who have to juggle everything else in life) are pretty much real-life superheroes. I feel very strongly that she has a cape and mask hidden somewhere in her house. Without it I don't know how she does it.
• Having a heart-to-heart with my oldest niece over a cup of frozen yogurt.
• Doing an impromptu photo shoot with them while toodling around up in Nevada City, when we came across the perfect brick wall!
• Having random conversations about faith, Jesus and godly living throughout the week, especially with my oldest niece - mostly because of questions she asked me. One was about how I can know that the Bible is trustworthy. We talked about things like the Dead Sea Scrolls, prophecy, carbon dating and consistency. She also asked God's view on temptation and sin in the middle of lunch. We all had a good talk about "not returning evil for evil" when they'd be snippy to each other because "she did it first." We've talked about the good ol' line, "everyone else is doing it" and how God's people are never the majority in society, so it's usually a good thing if you stand out from the crowd! We've talked about "garbage in, garbage out" several times and how no matter our age, we always need to be mindful of the influences we are mentally & spiritually digesting.
• Awkward Moment of the Week award goes to: having to explain my "no" answer to my youngest niece when she asked if I ever wanted to have kids.
• Coming to appreciate even more how much of a full-time job and entire-life sacrifice it is to raise kids. You can't take a day off or "check out" of it for a while. It's the most important - and quite possibly the most difficult thing - anyone could ever do.
• "Dangers of Technology & The Insane Speed at which Things Can Go Awry" Awareness award goes to: showing my nieces how to start a 2-player game of Words on their Kindles using a family member's known username, checking back 10 minutes later to find they've started roughly 15 new games with random opponents, some of whom they'd already started live chats with. Eeek! 
• Being teased about my having had multiple weddings. While playing dress-up with them, my niece got a good long laugh out of having to specify which wedding of Aunt Karyn's that red dress of their mom's was used in. ;-)
• Even though I only "played Mom" for one week, I have a newfound appreciation and compassion for all those people who have to deal with chronic illness and a family. I don't know how they do it.
• Not-so-different with age: I learned that even if kids are wide awake and able to have fun during a late-night slumber party, where they're up over 2 hours past their bedtime, it doesn't mean they'll be able to do their next morning's chores without pinching each other's heads off. Slumber parties the night before our busiest morning of chores (as we were getting ready to leave to take them elsewhere for the next week) was not a good idea. However, the night was fun and I have some awesome pictures of the hours we spent playing dress-up. So I guess in the end it was worth it. :)
• Selfishly Awesome Moment of the Week: while with the girls at their ceramics class (an hour and a half each for four days) the teacher actually allowed me to work in clay too! When she heard that half my college degree is in ceramics, she told me to feel free to use the clay and the wheels to make anything I wanted, and she would fire it for me! I worked on the wheel one day ... the first time in the 11 years since I graduated college!! ... and it was sooooo wonderful!! It was like a therapy session with a trusted counselor! And then the next day I worked on a hand building project along with the girls. Even though I ended up not saving the bowl I threw (below), it was all worth it just to have the time on the wheel!

• I can see especially now how parents have to walk a line in their relationship with their kids where they are not just "friends" with them, but are parents. I have seen many-a family fall because the parents want so much to be liked by their kids and to have someone to hang out with that they fail to uphold standards and discipline when the need arises. I'm not saying at all that there shouldn't be a tightly-knit love & relationship ... I'm just saying they can't be your buddy. Being an aunt is a special sub-category -- and while I have the benefit of not being the disciplinarian, I still hope to set a good example!! (While at the same time allowing them to eat ice cream for dinner.) ;-) 
• Realizing that other than special occasions, I've never once called my nieces just to say hi and see what they're up to. Sure, when I talk to my sister I will sometimes chat with them too for a bit ... but I don't ever remember calling just to talk to each of them. So I've made a resolve to do that.
• Watching the girls document their day each evening as we took some time to write in our journals that will be given to their mom when she gets home, both as a way of "talking to mom" while she's gone and as a fun memento for this time.
• Coming to look at pop culture (like music) in a whole new light. Parts of songs I never really noticed before jump out at me when listening to them with 10-yr-olds!! And realizing just how toxic pop music is. One of the hit songs right now is "Teenage Dream" ... and you know what it's about?? Here's just a few of the lyrics: "Let's go all the way tonight/No regrets, just love...You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream/The way you turn me on/I can't sleep/Let's run away and don't ever look back." YIKES!!! And even when listening to a decent song on a decent station on Pandora, the cover art and ads that pop up can be crazy!! I can see why some parents want to put their kids in an insulated bubble ... which of course you can't do ... but ohhhhh it's a tough world to be a kid or to raise a kid in right now. :(
• Biggest AUNT FAIL moment: asking the oldest to hold the strainer while I pour out the noodles & water I just boiled - and having some of it splash her hand because I poured too fast! She didn't cry, but I sure wanted to!!
• (This one will be hard to explain ... so bear with me. And if you're good with kids and/or have spent a lot of time around them, this might not make ANY sense to you whatsoever.) I realized just how very much little people they are. I mean, they are each striking individuals. Each of my nieces are profoundly unique from not only their sisters, but from anyone else. They are already the core of what they will always be ... they have the core personalities and traits and dis/likes they will likely always have. They are people!! When you have never really spent a lot of time around kids, it's all too easy to think that they aren't just little people - at least not yet. At what point did I think they became little people?? I don't know. Teenagers? More?? I don't know. It's not really a logical thing to try to explain. In fact, I have no idea how to explain this. Suffice it to say that although they're little and they're young, they very much have unique and distinctive traits, goals, dreams, preferences and styles.  I can already see much of the young adults and even adults they will likely be. Even though I wholeheartedly believe we have the power to change much about ourselves (I sure have!!) I also believe that there is, deep down, a core to your soul that makes you you. And even at 8 ... 9 ... 10 ... you've already got it.
• Getting to play "Tooth Fairy" for the first time ever!!! My oldest niece said she was finally going to put a tooth under her pillow that she lost a year ago. Let me tell you, it was stressful to do!! I held my iPhone in my teeth as a flashlight, trying not to shine it on her sleeping face, while I oh-so-carefully lifted the [giant] pillow slightly with one hand & tried to search for the tooth with my other hand all while nervously holding my breath trying not to wake her. I finally found it and slipped the dollar in [having no idea what the going rate for a lost tooth is], but BOY it was stressful!!!
• Moments of the week that stand out that show how they are being raised right:
• seeing how incredibly polite they are. They aren't pushy little kids or whiners or beggars. They are just plain fun to be around.
• after eating chinese food for lunch and saying I was tired and could sleep the rest of the afternoon, all three girls piped up with, "That means this is the best time for you to go exercise." I just laughed!
• upon waking up from a short night's sleep (due to our slumber party the final night) and in prep for a morning of chores, the oldest one said to the others: "Since we didn't get a lot of sleep last night we are more likely to be cranky this morning. We really need to watch ourselves and check our attitudes."
• two of the girls recently saved up enough money of their own and each purchased for themselves a Kindle Fire (a 7" tablet, like an iPad.) 
• Even with the excitement of their brand-new Kindles, when they youngest one asked for a turn playing on them they each said yes without any prompting.
• at a frozen yogurt place where you dish it up yourself and then are charged based on the weight, the only topping my niece would add was whipped cream, "Because you can get a lot and it doesn't weigh hardly anything." Even when I encouraged her to pick something else, just for this one special time, she said, "No thank you. Those weigh too much."
• after eating take-out or fast meals pretty much all week, when we hit a Chinese buffet on Friday for the little one's birthday the middle one came back with a big plate of salad. She said, "We haven't had many greens this week."
• But most of all, more than any other moment, I remember the way I dreaded Saturday's quick approach and my sadness that the week was over. Was I exhausted beyond any reasonable level? Absolutely. Would I have loved to have my time with them be longer? Without a doubt.

.........Aunt Karyn

Once again, I worried for no reason

Well, today is Day 1. Yesterday I received my first infusion of a medicine called Remicade. It is the next step up the ladder for me in immunosuppression in the fight to control my Behçet's Disease. [Quick dictionary entry: BD is an autoimmune (AI) disease, kind of like a cousin to the Lupus and Crohn's family that never shows up at the family reunions. Far more rare than its cousins, BD can be difficult to treat because so little is known about it. Only 13,000 people in the US have it ... for comparison, the football stadium for my alma matter, Boise State University, fits 33,500 people. As with most AI diseases, my immune system can't tell friend from foe. Imagine an army on a hill facing an opposing army. While all the soldiers start firing on the opposition, my immune system is the lone gunman that turns and starts shooting at his own men. So my healthy cells get attacked for no reason, causing all kinds of problems. In order to fix this problem, my doctors take away the M-16 from the rogue soldier - in other words, they suppress my immune system until it can no longer effectually fight friend OR foe.]

My hubby and I are so far thrilled to be able to say that I received the infusion very well and have had NO negative side effects. I pretty much slept all day yesterday because of the Benadryl I had to take to minimize side effects - and also, I believe, just as a let-down from all my anxiety. But why was I so anxious?? We have read about Remicade since practically the onset of my BD in 2004, and have been seriously tossing around the idea of starting it for almost 2 years. Last summer was when we made the decision with my rheumatologist to formally apply for insurance approval to start it (again, one of the drawbacks of BD being so rare is that no med is FDA-approved for BD, so I have to ride the coattails of similar diseases for approval.) After several months waiting, we finally received the approval and I started the infusions yesterday. So I guess on one hand I've had plenty of time to get the jitters about this - but on the other hand, I've had plenty of time to turn my worries over to God! Hmmmf. I hate it when I'm confronted with my own hypocrisy.

I knew in the days ahead of the infusion that I had some anxiety going on. After all, who can hear the word "chemo" and not get a little freaked out? (Remicade is and isn't chemo. I don't understand a lot of the details, but I know it's now classified as chemo, but isn't a conventional, make-your-hair-fall-out chemo. From what I understand, all immunosuppressants are a form of chemo.) While I've been on meds before that are also classified as chemo (like CellCept, which nurses in the hospital give the pills to me by a spoon so I don't have to touch it - which was always weird to me. Why is it important for my skin not to touch something I'm putting in my blood stream??) - there's just something different about infusions. My first three infusions will be given at the hospital center of my doctor's office, but thankfully from then on I'll be able to receive them at the local cancer center, trading a two hour round-trip drive for 15 minutes.

What I didn't know until the morning of my infusion was just how nervous I really was. By the time we got in the car and were headed to my appointment (with my trusty best friend and husband at my side, as always), I felt sick to my stomach. I kept thinking, 'How will I be able to tell the nurse if the infusion is making me sick or if I'm just a scaredy-pants??' So while Danny drove, I laid my seat back and had some quiet time. I just prayed to God that I knew I'd gotten myself all worked up over nothing - that not only did worrying not help anything, but we all know what stress does to the body - but even more so, my worrying proved that I was not trusting God. Didn't He already know how the treatment would affect me? Didn't He already have everything in control, whether or not the new med worked for me? So why worry? No matter what my body did, I knew Who held my future.

But here's my question: would I be sitting here this morning, confident in my God and feeling all silly about my worry if I would not have reacted so well to the infusion? What if I was losing my cookies all morning? How often is our faith and thankfulness based on things going smoothly? OK, I guess what I'm really asking is, is my faith too often based on things going smoothly? It's sure cause for me to stop & think. My goal is to have the faith of Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego. I read about them talking to the king who is about to throw them in a fiery furnace (heated 7 times hotter than normal!) because they refused to worship anything other than Jehovah. They told the king that they did not fear being thrown in the furnace because they knew Jehovah could save them - but even if He didn't, they would praise Him anyway!! Do I have that faith?? No. But I pray I'm on my way.

Rewind #33: Getting Back In The Saddle (again)

Original air date: 21Jan2010

No big news. No big revelations. Just enjoying getting back in the swing of things - albeit slower than I might prefer - but I’m thankful for the recovery I am being given from my surgery. I am now 5½ weeks post-op, and doing well. Of COURSE I’d prefer to be spending more time away from the couch, but hey - I won’t complain. (Too loudly.) 

Sometimes it’s the occasions when we’re forced to slow down that we take the time to look around how notice how blessed we really are. I am so grateful for my husband who has nursed me tirelessly day and night, both in the last month and too frequently for the last six years. I can’t believe we just celebrated our 6th anniversary!! In some respects it seems like just a few months, but on the other hand, anything else feels like a dream of another life. 

I could also talk of the blessings that have overflowed on friends and family recently -- one declared cancer-free after a 2-year fight, one had too close of a call with cancer but received normal results, another is enjoying healing unprecedented for 9 years ... not to mention some of the  more personal spiritual growth in people I know ... and myself. The more I experience in life, the more I am convinced that blessings are everywhere for us to recognize and claim, not something we sit back and wait for. And, more often than not, the biggest blessings come in packages that can be very uncomfortable to open.

But I said this wouldn’t be about big revelations. :) Soon I will tell the tales of the new adventures I’m having with learning a new trick or two, and what it looks like this spring and summer will have in store for us. Until then, we’ll just sway to the rhythm of love and thank God for every new day we’re given. ♥

Rewind #32: But Even If He Doesn't...

Original air date: 13Dec2010

Well here we are, on the eve of the big day! Tomorrow, December 14, 2010, is a date which will live in infamy. I will call it “H Day,” because it’s the day of my complete hysterectomy. Wow! Here it is, at midnight, and before I know it I will be down at the hospital and then all done with surgery ... it’s funny how life moves that fast. Then right around the corner I’ll be telling people, “I remember when I had that surgery, back in my early 30’s ...” The days are fleeting, and there are no guarantees in this game! Well, at least not as far as time is concerned. Really, I’m not even promised tomorrow morning.

On one hand, deciding on this surgery was fairly easy: there weren’t many other options. We’ve tried most anything we could think of, and what was always “too drastic to consider yet” is now Plan A. One of the things that makes this difficult, though, is walking the line between having all my hopes & prayers for a “cure” (ie. remission,) or at least a drastic reduction in symptoms for both the Endometriosis and Behçet’s Disease, all resting on this surgery - and then not being devastated if it does not work out that way. I guess the bottom line is to have the kind of faith that would not only sustain me in a time like that, but actually serve to bring me closer to the Lord. There are SO many examples of that kind of faith in the Bible, and they are such an inspiration to me. Of course I think of the apostle Paul who had a “thorn in his flesh” that he repeatedly prayed that God would remove. Paul is blunt and says that God said “no.” Why? Because of the exceeding greatness of the revelations that would be given to Paul, there was given to him a “messenger of Satan” to torment him. Translation: God kept Paul humble! One of the quickest things I learned when my health failed was how little control we truly have over our health. We all think if we eat enough salad and walk around the block on a biannual basis we should live to be 100. But in reality, any day of the week we could look down and find a little spot on our skin, and our lives just changed. So yes, my health challenges has definitely served to keep my humble! Besides, if we were all strong and independant and - as the world views it - a “self-made man,” where would the room be for glorifying God? Who would see my good works and glorify my Father in heaven, if everyone just naturally assumed *I* was capable of doing that?? No one. Everyone would tell me, “well done!” and that would be the end of it. But God is glorified when we do great things through and for him in spite of our weaknesses -- so let me have the attitude of Paul and say, “Most gladly therefore I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor 12:9-10) 

As far as the outcome of this surgery goes, I of course pray for it to be successful in helping to heal me. However, if I rest all of my hope on only that outcome I may miss the blessings of what God will be doing through me if He decides to answer my prayer any other way. Who’s to say who I should meet, how I might share Christ, and what I might do with my life if I continue with my current condition? That might be where He needs me. Paul did some pretty important work while locked up in a prison! In fact, it can be our attitude during the toughest times that has the biggest influence on people - such as the prophet Daniel’s buddies, Shadrach, Meshack & Abednago. Someone twisted the law in order to make the king throw them into a furnace of fire heated 7 times its regular temperature for not worshipping the king’s false gods. Yikes! As the guys were being walked to the fire, this is what they said to the king: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up.” Wow!!! I bet that’s not the average spare-my-life speech the king heard! But what a great example for me. For us. Let my heart always joyfully say:

My God is fully capable of delivering me, of healing me, and of rescuing me - and He *will* deliver me! But even if He does not, I will not cease to praise His name.
Amen!!

Rewind #31: Back Home; Back to Life

Original air date: 20Nov2010

Well, the monster road trip of 2010 is now finished - we are back home and back to the “regular grind” (whatever that means!) Even though we’ve been home for a few days, AND we have company coming to stay a few days with us, I have to admit that most of my bags still sit like I dropped them, unpacked! Ugh, I really have to get to that today. Since we got home, Danny and I have each felt a little under the weather, but nothing major. Once a year Danny get a changing-of-the-seasons cold, and he’s been fighting that a few days. I hope he starts feeling better soon -- but I have to be honest that a part of me “likes” it when he’s under the weather, because it’s one of the very few times where I actually get to be a nurse to him, instead of the usual other way around!! I got my flu and pneumonia shots this week after getting home, and then I started feeling really yucky afterwards. I know it’s just my reaction, that it’s not the real flu, but it sure feels the same! But it only lasts a short time, so hopefully I’ll be feeling better soon.

Danny and I just couldn’t be more thankful for the trip we were able to take. It was SO wonderful! Not only was it a time of GREAT fun and a billion laughs, but we also used it as a spiritual realignment. That was very needed. We are both thankful for all the prayers on our behalf for health and safety while on the road, and we know that God heard and answered those prayers. 

Now, we’re onto the next phase! Keep checking back for updates on what THAT means. :-)

Rewind #30: Just Go Ahead and Say "Thanks"

Original air date: 6Nov2010

Our “Roadtrip Extraordinaire” continues! We are having such an amazing time!! We have now been out for over a month ... and we are still several days and states away from being back home. (Wow - where would we be without the friends we have that are holding down the fort back home??) Danny and I are just without words to express how thankful we are for the opportunity of this trip. Right now we are at the heart of the trip - the Homecoming of Harding University ... especially the Jazz/Stage Band! It has been 30 years since this group played together, and the performance they put on today was worth the wait! Just stunning. Danny has been looking forward to this for so long, I can’t even count. Soooo great!!!

The weather has been ideal on the trip - the scenery has been amazing - the timing of everything is just more than we ever could have planned. When we got to Colorado, it was smack in the middle of the elk rutting season, so we got great pictures. We got to Tennessee at the height of all the autumn colors, and by the time we were leaving there the leaves had mostly fallen. We saw thunderstorms in Kansas like California has never seen! (Complete with a tornado siren.) :) And now here we are in Arkansas, and it is just amazing (am I over-using that word?? I can’t think of others more appropriate!) all the things we’ve been able to experience.

Yet in the middle of all these blessings tripping over each other to come in my front door, Satan still tries to cram his way in. Sometimes he almost wins - other times he wins. (But only temporarily!) A couple days ago I got a call from my surgeon’s office, and found out that there was a mistake in the scheduling of my operation. Instead of being November 30th, it will have to wait until December 15th. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper! I was quite bumped and even spent a tear or two on the deal - but then I just went on. This morning I was thinking about the fast pace we’ve been running and the few people we’ve been around that we know are or have recently been sick, and I couldn’t help but virtually start my count-down clock for when I’ll soon be sick. Then I thought, ‘Well, at least this is towards the end of my trip; I’ll have time to get a lot of rest at home now that my surgery is pushed back.’ Then it hit me - like a ton of shoulda-thought-of-that-before bricks. Remember last July when I was in the hospital and got the ‘horrible’ news that my laparoscopy had been cancelled due to my hospitalization? I was so crushed ... until I met with my surgeon a month later and found out that it was a good thing that it was cancelled! I didn’t see it coming, but God knew all along exactly what I needed and orchestrated things to work out perfectly! So, it wasn’t until this morning that I put all the pieces together. Whether or not I actually get sick from this trip, I *know* I will need time to recover from this trip. I kept thinking, and then one neuron met another (seemingly unrelated) neuron. The I-need-time-to-recover neuron met up with the my-surgery’s-been-rescheduled neuron, and they tied a bow together around the God-ALWAYS-knows-what-I-need neuron!! 

So I guess what I am saying is that even when things frustrate me, confuse me, and set me back, I should just go ahead and tell God “Thank You” - because I know that one way or another, visible short term or in the long run, He really IS working all things together for my good, because I love Him. That’s His promise .... yet how quickly I think my current circumstances must be exempt from that rule. Silly silly silly me. Satan may win a round here or there with me, but since I have the strength of Christ on my side, I know he will not win this war!!!

Rewind #29: Counting Down, Spoons, and Dreams

Original air date: 16Oct2010

Well, here we are - 16 days into our dream road trip! We are having SO much fun, and I have to say (since I’m not superstitious) that we haven’t had a single bump, issue, or setback. It’s truly been a blessed trip. The scenery across America in the heart of autumn has just been amazing, and I wouldn’t trade my company for the trip for anything. Danny and I have giggled our heads off, had big deep serious conversations, and just chatted away a few thousand miles. And even though we have XM radio, a bunch of cd’s, and several books with us, most all of our time has been spent just soaking up the conversation of a couple best friends. I am so blessed with my partner. I may not have done a lot of things well in my life, but one thing I *can* say is that I married well. :)

The one thing about the trip that’s really surprised me, though, is how many ‘spoons’ it requires to sit it a car all day. Even when we don’t have a schedule to keep, I can nap throughout the day, and there’s not a stressor to be found, I have still been strangely low on spoons! I knew I wasn’t going to have an overabundance of them, but I’ve been surprised by how many this trip has taken.  For so many reasons I am looking forward to my surgery in November -- but I have to admit there’s still quite a nervousness in me! I am still doing research, even at this point. I am reading a book (out loud while we drive, so that Danny is reading it with me,) on “What every woman needs to know” about a hysterectomy and ovary removal. There is a lot in there I didn’t know! I am sending out an email to all the women I know that have had this surgery (that have said they wouldn’t mind answering some questions) to get an informal “poll” back. Some questions will be specific, and others will be general. Hopefully it will help me get somewhat of a feel for these topics. I will admit something that is rearing its “ugly” head .... all of those issues I talk about a long time ago - I think when I was on the Lupron and contemplating this surgery - related to the emotional impact of this surgery. Things like: being less of a woman, having the option taken away of ever getting pregnant (and as those who know me would know, the decision to not bear children was made long before this surgery, or even these diseases, came about.) Yet these are all reeling around my head a mile a minute! For some reason the term “eunuch” keeps going through my head. I have had more dreams in the last 2 weeks about being pregnant than ever before in my life -- dreams that are happy & good (like being pregnant at the same time as a good friend and sharing the experience,) and dreams that are scary or sad (like having the surgeon find out midway through the surgery that I was actually pregnant, but it was too late because things were already severed.) Ahh! I really could use the help of my subconscious here. It doesn’t need to be messing with my head at this point. (Interestingly, from reading online I have found that these exact same dreams are pretty common among women facing this surgery -- especially the one about finding out mid-surgery that you were pregnant. I guess that’s why they do a pregnancy test during your pre-op.)

So, here I am - back where I was so many months ago: trying to bridge that gap between head and heart. Why can we intellectually know something that is so difficult to incorporate into our hearts? Another thing that is basically one of the major maker-breakers of the decision on the surgery is weighing the balance of (a) the benefits to moderate-to-major medical and quality-of-life issues now, with (b) the possible impact and consequences of major health and quality-of-life issues later. Just skimming off the top of that pond brings up issues of being 3 times more likely to develop coronary heart disease; 6 times more likely to develop congestive heart failure; and 8 times more likely to have a stroke. Isn’t that a lovely bedtime story?

I am so grateful for the wealth of information available at our fingertips with today’s technology, for living in a part of the world where I even have the possibility of major medical care like this, for the friends and family who support me through anything, for a husband who will walk through fire for & with me, and for the love and peace that transcends any medical condition or life situation that can only come from Christ. I am so thankful that the Lord held these health problems back until I was His child and had Him as a source of strength to draw from. 

“The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests
be made known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all comprehension,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Phil 4:5-7

Rewind #27: Ups & Downs

Original air date: 2Sept2010

Have you ever heard the phrase, “The only thing constant is change”? Isn’t that an annoying phrase? I think what’s so annoying about it is its truth. Well life goes on, things are changing and we’ve got a new game plan. As far as my health goes, I’ve had some ups and downs this summer, (kinda like that roller coaster behind me in the picture), and sometimes what we define as an “up” or a “down” is in the eye of the beholder. For example, during mid-July my husband and I were on a two-week trip to TN to visit his family and take part in a spiritual retreat --- it was a GREAT time. However (as it often does), my Behçet’s decided to use that time to come out in full force and thus it ended up earning me an early flight home and 10 days in the hospital. My doctors were all very concerned and immediately started talking about what new (& stronger) meds to put me on, whether to double or triple my current meds (they opted for triple), and how slowly to taper me off some of my flare meds (they opted for the “turtle-out-for-a-Sunday-drive” kind of slow). For a little while we all consoled each other about how terrible it was that it was happening, but then I really tried to look at the situation differently. With eyes of faith. For one, it had been 27 months since I was last hospitalized. That is a RECORD! My average is 8-10 months! Over two years between major flares has been unheard of for me. Second, of the 6 times I have been hospitalized, it was the second most moderate. Not bad, relatively speaking. More blessings about it include: the flare was timed perfectly so that I was able to spend a few days visiting with family and be part of the entire retreat before I had to fly home; God had blessed us with the means to be able to purchase that short-notice plane ticket; I had somewhat of a spiritual breakthrough during the flare that I was able to share with others; and hopefully now my Behçet’s will be fairly quiet so that I can focus on treating my Endo. The biggest thing I was upset about was that the laparoscopy I had *finally* been able to schedule had to be cancelled. It was too close to that major flare for safety’s sake. However, later when I met with my GYN surgeon, she said that it was actually a good thing that surgery was cancelled, since it wouldn’t have been the most beneficial thing for me. The game plan we’ve decided on now is that in late November I will have a complete hysterectomy, and while they are in there they will do what the laparoscopy would have done (look around and cut out and Endo they find.) So, it all worked out! In fact, had I *not* been hospitalized, I almost certainly would have had the lap, and not pursued the better alternative for my treatment. God knew what he was doing all along!!! Ahhhh, don’t I doubt too often??????

When it all boils down, isn’t that where my assumptions usually go? Here’s typical life: (a) I have my heart set on something; (b) something gets altered from how I thought it should go; (c) I assume it’s all ruined. Only LATER do I find out that it really was the best plan after all .... in this case I was blessed to be able to put the pieces together concretely within a matter of weeks, but how many times do I not have the vision of hindsight until months or even years later? And I spent all that time disappointed or doubting, thinking God must not have heard my prayers. At what point will my knee-jerk reaction be to look forward to how God is going to work His blessings in a way even better than I imagined?? I can easily say I’m still smack in the middle of THAT learning curve. 

Rewind #24: Courage

Original air date: 27Apr2010

I have to admit it’s kinda been a tough day. I think I am hormonal, I’m tired, I don’t feel good, and I’m getting really frustrated with my health. I was watching an episode of House the other night and a man who was chronically ill and disabled was diagnosed with a terminal condition, and the doctors were weighing options with him of extending his life with medication, etc., but it clearly would not have been an extension in any quality of life. The man said, “I have been trapped inside this body for so many years now, and I’m just looking forward to getting out of it.” Wow can I relate! Whenever I start feeling down or “claustrophobic” inside this body, and I reminded of just how temporary this situation is. It’s kind of like being in college and having to buy a pretty junky car, just because you have to have *some* kind of transportation but you can’t afford anything nice. So waa-laa, the ‘college clunker’ enters the scene. Why are you able to laugh off a car that you have to enter through the passenger’s door because the driver’s side door was from another car and therefore used a different key - one that you didn’t have? (True story in college there.) Because you know it’s not your ‘forever car’ - it’s just something to get you through right now. Sometimes when we are given something that is too nice, something that someone else worked for and that we ourselves didn’t do anything to earn, how much do we appreciate it? Don’t we take it for granted? Sometimes I feel like the same is true for our bodies. If everything worked just great and never deteriorated, where would the longing be for our heavenly dwelling? A body not made of the dust of the earth? Is that maybe why the young (and healthy) typically take their health and life for granted, but as we age we learn just how mortal and fallible we are? I think that has a lot to do with why the elderly have more longing for that final day -- and personally I’m quite excited about that day. Nobody better be grieving over me! I will be dancing on the streets of gold!

What I do most often when I really start getting down about health and issues of this life is I turn to scripture. God has given us every measure of comfort and hope that we could possibly need! Just this morning I was reading in 2 Corinthians 1: “Praise be to God ... who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (vs 4) Quite simply, we are comforted so that we may comfort! 

I would like to include some of the scriptures I have found over the last few years that have been an amazing source of encouragement to me, even on the toughest days. Do you ever find yourself getting discouraged in the same ways? Do you know someone else that struggles with health or aging? I pray that these are also a source of comfort to you.

One of the first places I go in scripture is to 2 Corinthians 12, where the apostle Paul talks about the way he struggles with his illness - what he calls the “thorn in his flesh.” Here are verses 7-12:
“Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me - to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of God may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Amen! Wow. Every time I read this it practically gives me goosebumps. Paul sums the physical fight up so well - it is definitely a ‘messenger from Satan’ meant to keep us from becoming arrogant. When I think about some of the crazy ways my body can misbehave, I can sure tell you it’s really hard to have much pride at certain times!! 

2 Cor 4:7-9
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

2 Cor 4:16-5:10
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, *1 we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, *2 guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith and not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please Him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.”

<<I just love cross-referencing the Bible! It really brings to light how perfect the Word is, and how is must be written by the hand of God. *1 Also see Galatians 3:26-27: “For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.” And also *2 see Acts 5:32, “we are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey Him.” Acts 2:38, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Christ Jesus for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.” Isn’t this *great* stuff?! I just love how it all comes together!>>

As far as me feeling overwhelmed and like I’ve been given more than I can handle, I often find comfort in: “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide a way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.” (1Cor 10:13) So what is that ‘way of escape’? Paul explains this: “For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope.” (2 Cor 1:8-10) So, our way of escape is to put our hope and trust in the Lord! Makes sense to me -- and when I can fully do it, it works every time.

OK, ok, ok ... so I could go on all day with uplifting things from God’s Word! In fact, just in typing all of this out for the benefit of my reader, I myself already feel worlds better. Do you? And do you have any other verses that help you in this kind of time? We all get there from time to time, and it’s up to us to choose either constructive ways to deal with life’s trials or deconstructive ways, which only heap trouble on top of trouble. (Trust me, I tried that route for many years, and it’s just not as productive as it sounds.) :-P 

The final quote that I will share with you is not from the Bible (even though I believe the principle is solidly biblical,) but it was a quote I recently saw on a friend’s Facebook page:

“Courage does not always come with a roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”

Amen!

Rewind #21: Life, and Stuff

Original air date: 29Mar2010

Well good morning! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s unfortunate because there’s been all kinds of things going on that I would have liked to have written about - but life has just been too busy to allow for blogging. (Somewhere in the middle would be nice!) Our most recent adventure was a couple days spent at a little bed & breakfast on the coast up near Ft Bragg, CA (that’s where the flower pics came from - the garden out front of the house at the B&B.) It was a really nice getaway ... right up until the moment I got knocked underwater by a rogue wave -- with my iPhone in my pocket. :( Needless to say, please don’t be sending me any texts anytime soon - I won’t be getting them. So *anyway* - on to cheerier topics! I am thankful and excited to be able to report that I have been feeling much better recently! My worst round of bronchitis ever has finally receded and I back to nearly business as usual. (I wish my poor hubby could kick his cough once and for all though.) I actually went three weeks without any pelvic pain last month -- which is *quite* the record for me in the last many many months (like a year or better.) It’s come back now - in fact, that’s the reason I’m writing this at such a wee hour, I was up and saw every hour on the hour last night, tossing and turning due to a symphony being played by GI cramping, “girl” cramping, and my hips aching. Since I was just laying there staring at the ceiling since about 4:30am, and I had already had a good long conversation with God (those quiet hours of the night are sure great for that,) I figured I may as well get up and get a cup of coffee in me before I meet my friend LaDona here in about 15 minutes to (re-)start our morning walking again. Ahhh, wouldn’t it be nice if Jack had to be at work at 10 -- then we wouldn’t have to go out so early! ;)

So while Danny and I were enjoying the beautiful scenery of the drive and the great company we had (at least that *I* had,) we were having our usual deep conversations about life. One of my favorite things about our relationship is how much sharing and talking and dreaming and analyzing and solving all of the world’s problems that we do. In fact, our whole dating experience is defined by the hours and hours and houuuuurs we spent talking! During the drive yesterday I asked myself a very interesting question, something I had never considered before. It’s one of those questions that really is hypothetical, since my answer one way or the other would change nothing, it’s just interesting to think about. Here’s the question: Do I think I got a “fair trade” for my life, from the life that I had planned on and worked towards and was in the process of living (basically, everything I considered “normal” back then - working as a goldsmith, being very physically active, really being quite healthy,) to what now defines my life? Would I say it was a “fair trade,” that I got the “short end of the stick,” or that I got “the better end of the deal?”  I considered the ‘cons’ of my life - the constantly being sick, seeing umpteen doctors regularly and taking umpteen medications daily, all the things I can’t do or end up having to cancel, being hospitalized 5 times in 5 years and facing all the new unknowns about the most recent additions to the disease repertoire ... with the pros of my life, first of all that I get to spend virtually all of my time with my best friend, we are able to focus our time and energy (what I do have) to first and foremost our work in the kingdom. I had to think about the answer a lot less than I thought I would have to. The simple answer is, although there are many very difficult aspects of my life, I really wouldn’t change a thing. I love my life and consider myself really having the better end of the deal. Although I never would have picked this course for my life, I am thankful for what God is doing in my life and the ways that He is shaping me. I have learned things and grown in ways I never could have during my “old life.” I know that my ways are not God’s ways, and that His plan is always better than I could imagine. Of course it doesn’t take me agreeing with Him to make that true, but embracing His plan with an open and moldable heart sure makes a difference in the quality of my life! So thinking about all of this actually led to me thanking God for my illnesses and my conditions this morning, because without them I would not be where I am at now. So many people look back and have regrets about their lives, but that is just somewhere my heart doesn’t go. I know that every terrible decision I made and every way that I jumbled up my life has been rolled together with every *right* decision I made and every way that I have grown to make me the person I am today. If I went back and changed any of that, I would change where I am at now - and that is nothing I am willing to consider. I can honestly say that I have never been truly happier ever before. I might have been more playful or joyful or giggly at times, but I have never had the true spiritual peace, comfort and contentment that I have now. As the apostle Paul said, “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am ... I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Phil 4:11-13

Anyway, it has been such a while since I updated this, so I just wanted to jump on here and say hello. Hope you all are doing well! God bless. ♡

Rewind #19: Living with Urgency

Original air date: 20Feb2010

... and no, I’m not talking about the bladder-kind of urgency. ;-)

This blog has been a place for me to mull over some of the struggles and trials I have been facing lately due to my health issues, and it has been a very beneficial outlet for me. I also think that this would be an appropriate forum for me to talk about some of the unique blessings that have come from those very same struggles.

First of all, let me start by saying I don’t think I’m dying. Don’t be alarmed by the song ... but I *do* think it’s an important analogy. I may not necessarily live each day “like I was dying,” but my mindset does adapt to appreciate the fact that I have no guarantee how healthy I will be in the future. Recently this line of thinking was sparked by reading one of my newest friend’s blog, and she wrote an entry about “Always Being Prepared.” It really hit the nail on the head as she talked about how having a disease like BD [she’s in the process of being diagnosed, which unfortunately is not a quick process,] can really change your perception of control. In a regular ol’ life, we have the illusion of control in just about every aspect of life. This was especially magnified before I was a Christian - before I understood just how truly fleeting life is. In our society, it is so easy to develop an “invincible” attitude ... which is especially contagious among the young, the healthy, and the financially stable. We tend to take for granted that because the average life span in the US is 78 (as of 2007,) that means we are guaranteed those 78 years. When people in their 40’s have emotional issues, what do we call it? A “mid-life crisis.” Well who says that 45 is your half-way point?? Isn’t that awfully presumptuous? We act like if only we eat salad often enough and are at least moderately physically active, then we are in control of our bodies and our health. And we can’t forget the illusion of having enough equity in your home, diversified stocks, and so-many months income put back in savings means we cannot be financially devastated. Well, I hate to say it but there is a poor joke saying that my high school wasn’t going to be able to have a 10-year reunion because there weren’t going to be enough people left to attend it, since tragedy after tragedy has claimed the lives of countless people I graduated with ... I am just one example of someone just cruisin’ along, fine and pretty healthy, and then out of the blue a disease comes along that turns my life upside-down ... and ask victims of things like Hurricane Katrina or the recent economy dive how secure their financial lives really were. The point is, nothing is really secure and anything & everything can be swept away in a moment’s notice. We can all intellectually acknowledge that, but I believe that it’s not until YOU get a personal taste of it in your life that it truly changes you forever. Survivors of cancer know what it’s like to have no guarantee of tomorrow and be forced to make peace with their mortality. Even with just a condition like mine, I acknowledge that I may never be healthier than I am today for the rest of my life. I have no guarantee of remission or of a treatment that is successful at managing things. So what do I do with that? I can either get depressed, which is certainly a temptation, or I can use that outlook to truly seize every moment in life as if it will never happen twice. It’s not necessarily about living impulsively ... I am not advocating a “do anything, regardless of the consequences” mindset, but I *am* advocating an outlook that says: If you ever have the opportunity to do something you’ve always wanted to do, TAKE IT, because that chance may never happen again. That is why I chose this picture of my mom (on the left) -- I absolutely love this picture! It might be one of my favorite pictures I’ve ever had of my mom! She has had health struggle after struggle (that make mine look like I’m dealing with the common cold,) yet she and my dad seized the opportunity to spend a month in Brazil with some new friends recently. They had SUCH a great time and made memories that I know will last the rest of their lives! They knew that the stress and demands of such an ambitious trip would most likely take a toll on her, but they also knew that another opportunity to go on a trip like this might never happen again. How great!! I thank God that they were able to take that trip and had so much fun while there. ((Maybe sometime we can go down there with them!))

Another benefit of “living like you are dying” is help prioritizing your life. We’ve probably all played the “What if?” game and asked ourselves, If I had one year left to live ... or 6 months ... or one month ... or 24 hours ... left to live, how would I spend that time? How would I change my life? One of the biggest ways that this has affected me has been in what I say and what I leave unsaid. I am trying not to assume that my family and friends know how I feel about them - I would rather say something to them from my heart that they already know than take the risk that it had never been said. I still have a long ways to go on this, but I am trying to get better and better about this. 

But to me, the ultimate benefit of all of these struggles and trials and wins and losses associated with my health has been twofold: (1) I know that I have grown spiritually in ways and amounts that I could NEVER have done without facing these things. I have chosen to allow this to draw me closer to the Lord, and He will always reward that. I do not believe that because I have chosen to put my faith and trust in the Lord means that I will get out of trials (in fact, we are promised the opposite ...), but I believe that means God will help me during anything I have to face. What’s the saying? --loving God doesn’t get me out of struggles, but it gets me through them. And (2) I believe that having faced these things in my life has better equipped me to be able to relate to and help others that are struggling, and to help share with them the love of Christ. Have you ever been really down and had someone try to encourage you that you knew had never ever experienced anything close to what you were going through? You appreciate their love and effort, but when push really comes to shove, we want to talk with someone that has tasted our struggle ... and hopefully come through on the other side with shining colors. I am striving to be that person, that can say “I’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death/pain/heartache and tears, and the Lord has made me to lay down beside cool waters in my soul, and with God as my shepherd I shall not want ...... and He will do the same for you.”